Foster to adopt. Child returned to bp

[Pollylong]

Honestly I’m just looking for kind words really. Our LO was with us for a few days shy of 19 months, and has now gone home to her parents.

The case had the most ridiculous delays, and general incompetence, and that’s not me being angry and lashing out, that’s the truth. We have heard so many times in the last year, “it’s a unprecedented case, we have never seen anything like it” and court and IRO’s have given telling offs and dressing downs and “this must be done better” and it never was.

The lack of compassion at the hardest time of our life, in Foster to adopt you are bottom of the pile of importance, which is how it should be. But when your losing a child, and your bottom of the pile, and there is a lack of compassion, understanding, awareness from the professionals about what your going through and how they actions make it harder through their thoughtlessness it’s rough.

And I know people instincts are to say, focus on the positives, you gave her a good start, and I know that, but right now that doesn’t make the pain any less. Right now all I want is to hug my child, and she’s not my child to hug anymore and my heart is broken into
So many pieces.

You must be in such turmoil, my heart goes out to you.
Wishing you strength as you go through this.

That's heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry such a difficult situation has been further compounded by a lack of compassion by those involved. Thinking of you

I'm so sorry for your loss, and your experience of poor practice.

Of course you're heart-broken, you've lost your baby.

I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. The pain must be unimaginable. None of you deserved this and it is mind blowing to me that your baby and yourselves have been put through such gross incompetence. I am so, so sorry.

I'm so very sorry. Be kind to yourself

I am so so sorry to hear this. Our son came to us on a fostering arrangement and I know we would have been absolutely grief stricken had he been returned to his BP.

I am sure it must be all the harder from people just not getting it. Sending so many 💐

Oh, Pollylong, no wonder you're heartbroken! Please allow yourself as much time to grieve as you need. Sending love.

@Pollylong I'm so sorry, this must be devastating for you.

Give yourself that time to grieve, be angry, hurt and sad, whatever you need to feel, do or say, and if that makes some people uncomfortable, well that's their problem.
You have lost a child, you don't have to pretend it's ok
Big hugs

This just be so so hard.

I would try and look at it this way - get parents fought for 19 months to get her back. The odds were enormously against them, and many parents would have given up. I would hope that this level of commitment would translate into a really positive outcome for this little girl when combined with the life you shown her for the first 18 months of her life.

I’m so, so sorry. I suppose there is always a small chance the child could be returned to biological parents but that must make it even harder for you. I hope there is a way of staying in contact with your daughter. She’ll always remember you.

We are a F2A family. We mirror your families story in many ways. You have lost a child - the little one you invested everything into over the course of their life. The trauma is no different to any catastrophic loss and as others have already said allow yourself to treat it as such. Now is not the moment to be told about what you so selflessly did for baby. Now is the time for everyone you know (and don't know well) to completely support you in your grief. In time, you may want to make connect with a f2a support group, speak to fostering network for support or access grief counceling through your GP or privately. Until then, all I can do is offer you my deepest, most heart felt sorry and say I hope, like all who suffer loss, you find support in those who surround you. Feel free to PM anytime. xx

That is heartbreaking polly and you have every reason to be devastated.
I have no words, but to hope you are able to recover from this, I'm truly so sorry.

Im so sorry. It must be so difficult for you. Its such an incomprehensible grief for others to relate to and im sure youre having so many different feelings.
Do you think speaking to a counsellor might help? Sometimes i find difficult things like this easier to speak to a professional. Things you may otherwise think are unacceptable feelings to share like anger.
It really helped me get over my miscarriage, i felt grief but i also felt anger towards the baby for leaving me which sounds crazy but it was a valid feeling i worked through.

Try and do something nice for yourself, even just like a nice bath or a walk if you dont want to spend anything.

Its going to be hard now but it will get easier i promise!

@Pollylong what has happened to you is devastating. What an enormous, unfathomable loss for you. This is not at all what the training attempts to prepare you for and it sounds like you have been so terribly let down. Every feeling you have is completely valid - let them in and be gentle with yourself. Know that you'll never 'get over' this but that time, sleep, talking will help you to start to heal eventually. Sending loads of love, compassion and strength at such an impossibly difficult time xxxxx

I have walked in your shoes and supported two much loved little ones placed under concurrent care home to birth parents! Our feelings at the time were mixture of sheer grief, and also pride for the birth parents who we had come to know through contact for the major life changes they had made! At the time though the grief was so very palpable! It has helped over the years since that we have stayed in touch with both children and they continue to thrive! The grief lessened in time and we now look back at our time with these little ones as very special memories! I will pm you some more thoughts! Thoughts, hugs and prayers with you! I am happy to chat more via pm if it helps and depending on where you are link you in with others who have been in a very similar situation.

I'm so sorry Pollylong this is so sad. XX

I’m so sorry OP it must be so, so hard

So sorry to read your post. Take very good care of yourselves.

This is horrific. You poor things, you are allowed to grieve the loss of your child and the life you thought you would have together. Will you have any ongoing contact with the child?