Our only DC but multiple siblings how do you approach?

[Youarethecarcass]

My utterly amazing, funny, kind DC has been with us since they were 18 months old and we’ve quite rightly been open from the outset. Tonight, (she’s now 8) she broached the subject of other children. Her wording I thought was quite strange as she asked ‘do I have 2 siblings” so not sure if someone in school was suggested this as a possibility.

I’m struggling on how I approach this as potentially she has at least 7 siblings. I say potentially as BF was always hostile and never forthcoming with his past. So there may be more, there may be less.

There are two full siblings (older) who we definitely know about.

I’m struggling with how I drop the bombshell when she has been brought up as an only child with several only children in her friendship circle.

As an adult, I think I would struggle with the concept. We’ve always been honest with her but I’m at a loss on how I handle this, particularly as I can’t be 100% accurate.

I’d be grateful for any advice x

I think you can just be as honest as you can, that her birth father has not given accurate information so you only know about the older full siblings. You said "We’ve always been honest with her" so presumably you have told her about the older siblings.

Presumably she never lived with them and so the relationship, although she is biologically related to them, is not the same as having a sibling who you grow up with and have the experience of being together with.

Personally, I would ask her for her own thoughts. She may feel she is missing out by not having siblings, or she may feel a sense of responsibility for the 'siblings' she doesn't know, or just confusion, or there could be a lot of feelings so it would be good to know what she is thinking.

Good luck.

I would start with contacting children services and asking for any further information they have. That way you will know you are giving her all of the information available. Would life story work be a possibility? If I was going it alone, I think I would do a family tree with her of her family now and then another of her birth family…but I would seek advice on this first.

I've heard that other siblings should referred to as your birth mothers other children rather than brothers and sisters.
She won't be brought up with them and possibly won't even ever know them so it's very different from a typical sibling relationship.

I think I'd start with getting her to understand that there are many different types of family. Look for the Todd Parr books. There are several with adoption themes.
She is also unlikely to be the only child in nursery or school who had siblings living elsewhere because parents are divorced.
It shouldn't be a bombshell if you drip feed information in the right way.but do look at life story work to support you in this

@gabsdot45

I've heard that other siblings should referred to as your birth mothers other children rather than brothers and sisters. She won't be brought up with them and possibly won't even ever know them so it's very different from a typical sibling relationship.

This is absolute shocking to me as an adoptee. Wow!

OP, I have 2 full siblings that I was totally unaware of (very different times). I think you should give your child the full picture at an age appropriate level. IME editing family history will cause issues in your relationship down the line.

@vjg13 LO has older and younger siblings who don't live with us. We refer to them all as her sisters.

@gabsdot45 research shows that sibling relationships need to be handled with care and respect. Most adoptees find one of the hardest things that comes out of their adoption is that they were not allowed to form relationships with their siblings as they were growing up.

My son is the eldest of 5, he has one full sibling and 3 half siblings, 2 from his birth mum and 1 from dad.

The half siblings are between 13 and 15 years younger than him

We refer to them all as his brothers and sister