Really struggling

[Whatnext00000]

I have a little adopted boy of six who spent his first 18 months with his birth mum. Whilst living there he witnessed lots of domestic violence and was continually exposed to lots of frightening experiences. As a result, he has suffered terrible developmental trauma which affects him in all sorts of ways - sensory integration, diet, social relationships etc. Until recently he would tend to shut down and withdraw in what he perceived to be threatening situations. However, he was generally calm, loving and gentle and appeared happy. Yet over half term things have changed. He started to have huge meltdowns and to lash out at me. I have been kicked, hit, scratched and slapped (this has never happened before). It is as if a switch has been flicked and all the hurt and emotions are coming out.

It’s really upsetting to see him feeling like this and it sounds horrible (and makes me feel terribly guilty) but I almost feel like I don’t know him any more. I have been calm (on the outside) when he has been hurting me, and have tried my best to help him with his emotions as I know it’s not his fault. I was really worried about him going back to school and the behaviour continuing there and I have just now received a phone call from the school saying he has been hurting the teacher and other children. The school seems baffled and are not sure how to handle this, but to be honest I feel the same. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

It might not feel like it right now but this is a positive thing. It sounds like for years your son has been dissociating when under threat - shutting down, withdrawing, blocking out whatever is going on as he’s not able to process or cope with it.

He is now allowing himself to acknowledge the threat and is reacting to it in what is actually a more normal way - whether that’s fight or flight. He needs help regulating these emotions and his response to threat, but the face he’s reacting at all is a positive thing.

He’s able to do this now because he trusts in the consistency of your relationship and that you aren’t going anywhere if he does show his emotions.

Hi @Whatnext00000 it sounds really difficult for you.

I've not adopted yet (currently in family finding), so I wasn't sure whether to post. But I will and you can ignore me if it's not helpful.

I'm currently re-reading Why Can't My Child Behave? And your post reminded of the bit I just read. In it she basically says that when a child has been dealing with stressful situations by dissociating, that when that improves they will then react in other ways, so it can feel more difficult. Exactly what PP has said.

I am sure other people will be along shortly with some really concrete advice, but I think he's reacting like this because he is feeling more secure with your family. It sounds like you're a really good, loving parent.

Thank you for comments. I do understand the theory behind trauma and that it could be seen as a positive thing, but I can’t understand the timing. He has been with us for over four years and although there have always been issues, he seemed generally happy and settled. We love him very much and want to help him. At the moment he’s stressed out and anxious all the time and he told me last night that he feels scared. I have another adopted child and (not in any way their fault) I’m feeling emotionally exhausted right now.

Hi @Whatnext00000

This is really hard for you, so do look after yourself. Our little one had a similar start in life and was removed at 3 years old. His meltdowns started at around 7/8 years old. They are usually when he tired and or feeling unsafe. They are dreadful, hitting, kicking, spitting, once he had heard all the swear words in secondary school they are all thrown in. For us remaining calm is the only way to handle them (something I do not always achieve). Soothing voice, "This must be really hard for you", drinking through a sports bottle, chewing, distraction. Our GP told me it was a parenting issue and he needed discipline!! He is now a teenager and things are better.

We waited far too long to ask for help, please don't make that mistake. We now see a clinical phycologist and things have improved. I found therapeutic parenting and the NVR course really helpful along with a sense of humour. We asked for post adoption support and the Adoption Support Fund is paying for the phycologist. We found one of the triggers was my facial expressions and tone of voice, so if I started to become cross because he was messing about at bedtime, that would result in a meltdown. After much practice my face rarely alters if I am getting cross. I keep my tone of voice as steady as possible. I do not always achieve this as I am a human but I do my best.

We also have "us" time after the meltdown, cartoon and drink etc... We do not have consequences for a meltdown, but sometimes there is one for the behaviour that leads to it, but this is now he is older and can see the difference.

The book "Why Can't My Child behave?" has an adoptive mothers letter to the meltdown and the meltdowns letter of response. (I think it was called "The Rage" in the book but I can't remember.) I found this especially helpful.

Our little one had been home 3 or 4 years when the meltdowns started. I should also add we now go months without one and even when they come they are much less violent and much shorter.

Im completely with you there!!!

Our 6 yr old has been us now for 2 months and we're in the middle of this sort of behaviour. In the last 4 ish weeks I've been hit, kicked, had stuff thrown at me, spat at, screamed, shouted at and the cats have been chased and hurt.

We're really struggling with her and have even discussed amongst ourselves and mentioned to the social worker about handing her back. If it weren't for her younger brother who 98% of the time is a complete angel I think we would.

We've spoken to her Foster carers today who said they didn't have it anywhere near this bad and she was there for 14 months.

All our sw seem to do is book me on yet more virtual training sessions 🤔 we have only seen the kids sw once since Christmas and she is useless anyway

@Valda1973 thank you for your comments. It really helps to know that someone has been in a similar situation and things have improved. Yes to remaining calm as I know getting angry would just escalate things. I’m also aware that I have to be very careful with my tone of voice and with a huge effort I’ve managed to head off any meltdowns for the last couple of days. It’s taking its toll though and I’m feeling very anxious all the time. I’m doing that ridiculous waking at 4 in the morning thing, overthinking everything and worrying about the future. Thanks also to you and pp for the book recommendation.

@claireb7rg that sounds so difficult for you and for her. In a way it’s probably even harder for you as you haven’t had time to build bonds. You need to make a noise and get as much support as possible. I hope things work out - we do at least know that we are in it for the long haul.

I hope things are a bit better now @Whatnext00000

My son is a similar age and has horrible outbursts since he joined our family. These have lessened a lot now and on the whole, we are a happy, normal yet chaotic family. I have posted similar in the past when I felt I couldn’t keep going but I have and at the moment, things are fine.

The biggest turning point for me was handling my own emotions. Self regulation was key. I was constantly anxious, waiting for triggers or signs he was w starting to dysregulate (which I had to to keep everyone safe). It was a horrible time. I went back to basics with me. Lots of self care, see breathing, being more aware of when I was becoming anxious. It meant I was able to support him better when he was dysregulating. The change wasn’t so much with his behaviour at first but my ability to cope changed. I was able to contain all his negative emotions so much better.

I completely understand the lying awake at night, thinking about things. That was me. I spoke to the gp lots and decided not to go on medication (I’m glad I did) but focused on developing my own awareness. If you need medication, it’s ok to speak to your gp (the rationale for me being I knew I wasn’t handling it well and that because my mental health was affected by the situation, and the situation wasn’t going to change overnight, I felt I needed better coping strategies. I also started counselling at this time).

Being frank and honest with people also helped. It helped me understand what was going on for me and I am so glad I spoke to people. It was more along the lines of I’m finding things at home hard.
I am a huge fan of Bruce Perry and these little moments were probably so much more beneficial for me than the counselling. I wasn’t alone.

I am happy to chat anytime. Our adoption journey has been challenging (and will continue to be for a long time yet I thibk) but for the first time, I am truly feeling hopeful for our future.

Oh and rupture and repair was the focus for a long time too and it went both ways. I am sorry I shouted and I am going to do x and y and z to manage my emotions better etc. together, my son and I learnt all about regulation and reflection.

@claireb7rg child to parent violence is absolutely awful and unless you experience it, you’ve no idea. It’s nothing like the books. Try focussing on attachment with both kids separately and together throughout the day. You are still so early in placement that you are all still strangers (my son talks about how scared he was and how we were all just strangers to begin with and how it took a long time to start seeing us as mum and dad). I am not surprised she didn’t display the behaviour with foster carers. She is grieving them and everything familiar (but you know that). It’s time for you and the little girl to get to know each other and yourselves. Wishing you well

I think that there are a number of reasons why it could be happening 4 years in, and it could be more than one reason too. I think that it is important to work out what is the cause so that you can talk with him about it. It is also important to talk about not hurting other people, reassuring him that everyone loses their cool at times and that you will help him learn to control his actions and express himself with words instead, as well as help him with what is causing his upset.

It is going to be difficult for him to express feelings with words unless he understands himself and so this is why it is important to work out what the problem is, rather than just seeing it as related to general trauma.

Examples of what could be affecting him:

• any changes at all changes with friendships, who he sees, activities, work at school which he is struggling with, how he is treated at school by peers

• at six he will be becoming more cognizant of who he is and how he fits in and it might be that he needs to talk about things he cannot remember, for you to explain to him what effect it might have had on him then and now and how you will continue to help him, and find out his feelings about birth family, he could feel guilt or want to see them or feel afraid or wish he wasn't adopted, etc - all these things can come up again and again in different ways periodically as adopted children get older, they can be explored and you can help him with them and reassure him

• at around six there is a surge of testosterone and he may need help to handle that, again it is to do with understanding what is happening to him and that he can learn to control it, and that you will help him and he may be scared of his own behaviour. Hormones can be powerful and overwhelming as we women know!

• I think it is really important to consider and rule out contemporary abuse including sexual abuse from any source as a vulnerable child is more vulnerable to abuse and children of this age will find it really hard to talk about as they will be aware of the trouble which could be caused. Unfortunately I have personal experience of this in my wider family and the best thing to do as I understand it is to periodically talk about the pants rule, the information slightly changes as the child gets older, and to provide reassurance that whatever happens you will deal with it, there won't be trouble and he doesn't have to worry, he can say anything, whenever.

These are just examples.

I hope that you find the cause(s). The more you get to know what is going on in his mind the easier you will find it to understand him as time goes on.

@121Sarah121 - I think we’re similar and I do need to work on my own anxious feelings. My husband is well meaning, but not very emotionally literate so I find that I’m dealing with everyone’s high emotions, leaving me depleted. I’ve never tried counselling as I’m quite a private person, but I’m sure I could benefit from it. Was this via your GP?

@filanthrope thanks for your comments. There was no sexual abuse (as far as anyone is aware) but a great deal of neglect and exposure to scary situations. School is difficult for him and he has a complete mental block around doing his work. He spends a lot of time shut down saying he is tired and wanting to cuddle his teddy bear. When I picked him up today, his teacher told me he had spent around 70 per cent of the day disengaged from lessons. They send the work back for me to do with him at home, which he finds very easy and completes quickly. He is bright and is a rapid reader. When I ask him why he didn’t do it school he just says “I was too tired”. This happens every day now.

At home he has been calmer this week. I have made a huge effort to help him manage his feelings and it’s paying off. I’ve also instigated us having a half an hour cuddle in my bed before he goes to his bed. He talks about his day and is opening up. He told me that two boys in his class keep playing police with him and arresting him. He asks them to stop and they don’t and then he feels upset when they hold onto him. He also said to me last night “mummy, why do I feel scared all the time?” I felt so sad for him and also a bit out of my depth to be honest. He said the feeling is in his chest next to his heart and he feels it all the time. I wonder if he could actually benefit from counselling although he is only six and I’m worried I may say the wrong thing.

A lot of that sounds really positive. I just want to quickly clarify that in relation to sexual abuse I was referring to contemporary sexual abuse ie happening now if there is a sudden change in behaviour. My experience is that, basically a child who is vulnerable generally for whatever reason is more likely to be a target. But I think what you have said about school sounds relevant for your dc.

I felt so sad for him and also a bit out of my depth to be honest. He said the feeling is in his chest next to his heart and he feels it all the time. I wonder if he could actually benefit from counselling although he is only six and I’m worried I may say the wrong thing I want to try to empower you here, as you are the very best person to be helping him. It is a question of continuing to understand his thoughts and feelings as that makes it easier and easier to help him over time, and also for you to chat through what you are doing with a professional if that would give you confidence?

And going back to what you said about school, it does sound as though school is something which he is really struggling with, I'd explore what he said about the 2 boys definitely. It sounds as though he might be finding it difficult to concentrate at school because he is stressed/disassociating and struggling with relaitonships at school might be a cause of it. He can do work home which is testament to the fact that he feels safe with you, I think. Reading with him social skills books aimed at his age about friendships and handling bullies will probably help a lot, both him and you as it helps parents know how to handle things. Helping him unravel what is behind the other boy's behaviour and finding his voice about how he feels. This all builds up confidence with dealing with social situations and builds up your confidence that you can help him.

What I have found is that school can be a real quagmire because even after helping our own dc to deal with things, other children can have really challenging behaviour which starts to come out at this age and some teachers are not great at dealing with it.

In relation to your mental health, I am similar to you in terms of being private, so I can empathise, but it does sound as though you are doing brilliantly, and I think that our own emotional intelligence is a muscle and the more we use it the stronger we get!

There's a Therapeutic Parenting FB group if you're not already on there. They'd be a big help as it's lots of parents & professionals who deal with this stuff all the time. Post this on there as well.