Pulling out if the process.

[journeytobeingadad]

So I will try to keep this short and to the point. We began the adoption process quite a while ago and were approved in November 2020. We then moved house should have been before panel but moving took longer.
What with work and house move I had a breakdown a few months after moving. This was a year ago now and owing to my mental health we paused the process. After a meeting last October the social worker said we were not suitable for panel at that point.
Since then there has been a lull and terrible atmosphere in our relationship. It came to a head a few weeks ago and then today.
My wife wants to carry on and try to adopt but I don't think I can do it.

I'm sure there'll be wiser heads than me along shortly, but I didn't want to leave you waiting. It sounds like you're both having a shit time at the minute, and that might not be a good place to make a decision either way. If your marriage isn't in a great place, your social worker isn't going to approve you for panel anyway, so could you both agree to just put adoption on hold for now and work through your current difficulties? Once you're both in a better place you'll be able to see if continuing is the right path x

Thank you. Maybe I am wrong but it feels like a catch 22. We are not in a great place because of my mental health and the adoption but it feels that trying to improve the relationship is very hard due to the anger and resentment there us towards me from my wife at the very fact she feels its all my fault the adoption is not progressing.
Recent stress has caused so much resentment.
On a daily basis I try to do what is asked of me but there is often things I forget. She is very independent and efficient I am forgetful and clumsy

It doesn't sound like you are in the right place now and perhaps your marriage isn't in the right place either.

it sounds like you have both had a very tough time, lockdown has had a huge impact on the mental health of many people.

I’m long term single, so not the best person to give relationship advice, but I notice you said you ‘ don’t think I can do it’ , not I don’t want to do adopt. I think that’s a really critical difference. Maybe if your wife thought that there was still a possibility you could start to build back to a better place.
Maybe some couple counselling would help. Also what help are you getting for your mental health?

I think covid has been a double edge sword. In some ways it has has been nice to work from home. But as time has gone on we both find it hard and I will be looking to be in the office more often soon. To have space from each other.
I did go to a number of counselling sessions and things really improved for me and last summer.
I doubt that any counselling would happen my wife has always said she is against that but it had been suggested by the social worker.

I am struggling to separate out the want to do it from the can I do it.

Wife keeps saying yes she knows it will be hard but is it what I want. Well I know I want children and she does not want ivf natural conception it unlikely due to my poor fertility. So she says stopping adoption pretty much means no kids. She says extremely unlikely to conceive naturally.
She wants to adopt but does not want to restart if I don't want it and am just going along with her

I think its really important you try get yourselves into a better space. I get the longing for a child and went through my own black hole in the relationship when I just became absolutely obsessed with getting pregnant.
What you need to think about is whats best for the child. What if you press on and bring a child home into a tense environment? They will see and feel it!
Its so difficult when youre in this situation. I bit my husbands head off a million times but ultimately if we had got pregnant, our relationship was a mess, we barely spoke apart from when I was ovulating.

Many adopted children go through very challenging periods of stress and insecurity. Adoptive parents need to be resilient, flexible, understanding, tolerant.

Your wife is failing to appreciate, empathise and support YOU through a very stressful episode. She's angry and resentful with you for a very fraught, emotional situation that is not your fault.

I'm afraid this does not bode well for how she would cope with a stressed-out, insecure and vulnerable child in difficulty.

Your instinct is right; you and she are not in the right place to proceed with adoption. But not just because of your breakdown; it's also because of your wife's response to it.

Look after yourself; your mental health can recover.

Hi good tennis. May I ask how you improved things?

I am sorry you are going through this. No need to answer on this thread but I wondered if you considered the possibility of using a sperm donor and your wife having IUI rather than IVF. Travelling somewhere like denmark can be helpful as they have clinics which don't have a medical focus, it is simple IUI and no hormone treatment or tests.