New to adoption

[Kittygirlxo]

Hello!

I am new to the world of forums and the world of adoption!

A little bit of background, my husband and I have been TTC for almost 3 years now. In total I have had 5 losses, 1 of which was an ectopic which meant I lost my right tube. The last loss was the most devastating, it was the furthest I had ever gotten. We saw such a strong heartbeat and our little one was really starting to look like a baby, then it's heart just stopped beating.

I am finally having investigations done to see why I can't carry, although at this stage this is more for peace of mind more than anything. I have absolutely no plans to fall pregnant again, it just hurts too much and I'm really not sure I can recover from another loss, it just hurts too much.

While TTC I have been researching a lot about therapeutic parenting. I also work with children with challenging behaviour who live in a residential home, so I have a lot of knowledge regarding attachment disorders, ASD, ADHD etc. I was just wondering if anybody has any good resources regarding grieving the loss of having your own biological child? I feel like I have a good starting knowledge of things I will need to research while going through the adoption process, but I just want to make sure I have fully processed not being pregnant and grieved the babies I have lost.

Sorry for the long rambling post, thank you for any help or advice!

Hi @Kittygirlxo, we're so sorry for everything you and your husband have gone through these past three years.

We're just giving your thread a bump to get it back into active conversations - hopefully some Mumsnetters will be along soon with some advice and support.

Hi @Kittygirlxo

that sounds very tough. I'm sorry I have no experience to share or advice to offer, other than you are right to take the time to grieve your lost babies.

Most Social workers will want to see that you have given some time to come to terms with your losses and are ready to fully commit to adoption.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself, you have great experience
The process can be long and tough so you need to be in the best shape mentally and emotionally.
Hopefully someone with some experience to share will be along soon, of you could do a search through the old threads.

I'm so sorry to hear of all you have experienced so far and the loses you have had to go through. I'm affraid I don't have any specific reading material but something I did, at the stage you are at, was have a couple of counceling sessions (through NHS). It was a really important step for me not only from the point of view of my own emotional wellbeing but also because when it came time to start the adoption process my SW expressed that she was really pleased to see it was a step I had taken. Wishing you well on this next step. X

I've just realised I didn't finish a sentence
I was trying to say don't put too much pressure on yourself to be ready to move on to adoption. You have great experience from your work, you have a lot to offer as adopters - but there is no need to rush. Take your time

Hello OP, welcome x

I've also had an ectopic pregnancy and lost my right tube so whilst I haven't yet adopted I do read these forums as it's in my plans too.

I'm really, truly sorry to read your story and losses. I don't really have any advice as such, just sending some love.

Despite having BC I still feel heartbroken over my ectopic, I think it's okay to not always get over things, as long as we can live well despite them. Grief isn't ever just gone, it's how we learn to live with it, isn't it?

I'm sure you'll be an amazing mummy, that grief you've experienced, you'll one day channel that into a relationship with a little one who'll have also experienced grief, and that'll build the most wonderful path of understanding for you.

I'd suggest the following YouTube channels; aimie vlogs, mama molly adopt, adoption with nyree to start off, they all recommend really good books too.

Z library has most of the books that are suggested lots, (A-Z therapeutic parenting, the primal wound have been my faves), also these forums and the adoption uk forums and archives are excellent.

I hope you get lots of replies from experienced adopters. I've been dipping my toe into the adoption world until my youngest sons additional needs are completely clear and DP and I know if we're able to proceed forward.

Once again sorry for your losses and the loss of your tube, its such a brutal way to lose a pregancy and if you ever need to talk I'm here. X

Have just done a quick Google of the organisation Tommy's, a charity specialising in baby loss,and they have midwives who are trained in bereavement support you can email them on [email protected]

There is also a website called miscarriageassociation.org.uk who might be able to signpost you to specific support.

Thank you all so much for all your replies. They have all made me feel so much better and a lot less alone.
I've ordered the books mentioned and am looking into some councelling now. I'm definitely going to take some time before getting into adoption, but I'm enjoying learning more about it!