Experience of Adopting a Baby

[Diamond82]

We are in stage 2 of the adoption process and because we have a young BC, we will need to adopt a baby (at least under 18 months). I really would love to hear others experiences of what it was like to adopt a baby and what challenges you faced as they got older. I feel like all the training we have had is based around children who are a bit older and I can’t relate a lot of it to a baby. I know any baby who has been separated from its BM has been through trauma but it’s hard to gauge how it will effect them.

We adopted DS when he was 6 months old. The effect of early trauma has not escaped him. He is now 15 and we are dealing with 'interesting' behaviours. His behaviour at home and school can be challenging, he is far from a reliable source of information. He struggles with his emotions and friendships, he is desperate to be liked and fit in which leads to problems for him. He has an enormous sense of shame which means he finds it incredibly difficult to own up when he has done something wrong or made a mistake. School is such a huge issue because they feel he is 'naughty' not traumatised because why would he be, he's been in a loving adopted family since he was 6 months old, that really gives me the internal screams! But I love him, he is an amazing boy and I will fight for every bit of support and help he needs. The biggest challenge really is making people understand the difficulties he still faces despite being adopted at such a young age. There seems to be acceptance my DD may have issues as she was older, (2 1/2) when she came to us but the general response I get from those who do not understand, is why would he have problems when he doesn't remember anything other than being with us. Unfortunately the brain doesn't work like that and while he may not have memories of before being adopted his brain and therfore his responses have been moulded by his experiences in utero and immediately after birth.

We adopted siblings at 16 months and 4 months. So both still very young. They are now 10/11. They fit in well at school, have friends etc and don't have any specific issues. We have had some challenges in their behaviour etc and both have struggled on and off with regulating emotions etc but in general it's not too extreme. They are generally happy and I think both have a really good attachment with us and we have a nice family life. They both express a lot about their feelings of being adopted, and we encourage them to chat about it and to be open. The youngest struggles day to day with feeling abandoned, doesn't like to be alone and worries a lot about being lost or forgotten about and has a lot of affection seeking behaviour to encourage me to give them a lot of attention. They have a strong adoption identity and a big connection to their birth parents, despite not spending any of their life with them. The biggest trauma for them is the separation from birth parents and then separation from their foster family. I hadn't appreciate how difficult that separation would be when we first adopted them. I think for a baby, smells, sounds etc are everything so to be separated from that must be very traumatic in itself. I'd say both our kids are quite hyper vigilant, struggle with impulse and are just quite alert to danger and react with a high fight or flight response. One thing as mentioned before is that their feelings and experiences are frequently under mined by people who think they will generally be unaffected by adoption or will have forgotten about stuff.

I was adopted in a closed adoption at 6 weeks old. It was very rarely discussed growing up apart from the 'we chose you, aren't you lucky' narrative. I had a good relationship with my adoptive dad and other family members. I had an appalling one with my adoptive mum who was baffled that I wasn't a blank slate and had the audacity to turn into her polar opposite in every way.

I was a compliant child, was settled at school, excelled academically and presented well for the Kodak moments. Inside I was a sad, troubled, lonely, confused mid-placed mess.

Sorry to read the above. It is definitely hard to process and i worry that my children will feel the same way.

My children are young but know their story but I think we are a way off understanding it. They were adopted at 7 months and then 12 months respectively. Our first child is 5 and our second child is 1.5 and has only been with us for about 6 months, so we are much earlier on in our story.

I think people presume that the younger the child the easier it will be for them and unfortunately I don’t think this is always the case. My older child is very confident but often had sad moments when we are not around as much as we want to be. Our younger child is very attached to me as primary carer but really struggles with my partner occasionally.

Another thing I would consider is that a young young child has no understanding or comprehension of boundaries and this will be difficult for your older child. Instantly we had our older child’s stuff being touched all the time. This can be quite overwhelming and so they need a lot of support with that.

My children are all pre school and I am worried about them and their personal feelings about their adoption when they hit school. I think when they begin to process the rejection of their biological parents who they’ve never been with that will be tricky, especially as we have incredibly little to go with and their story is incredibly harrowing (like I would say most adopted children). Luckily for our children it sounds as though they were loved and looked after whilst in utero, but I guess many won’t have been unfortunately and also I don’t think I have a full story of our childrens birth family.

Having said that both children are amazing and wonderful and everybody who meets them think the same!! I’ve loved having the baby time with them too…!!!

It's hard to post on here at times as an adoptee, as it is unlikely to be what adoptive parents want to read. When I was growing up there was no awareness or acknowledgment of loss and that need to be able to grieve. To then be able to accept what was missing from my life.

Adopting a baby you are generally walking just to the unknown. Medical issues that can develop with time are not known but that can exactly the same for a birth child and even if you adopted a toddler. There will still be trauma to deal with as they grow but providing that permanency early on gives you the opportunity to work on that from an early age. That being said I wouldn't have had it any other way. Our DS came home at 3 months old, just under 5 years ago and we are on stage 2 now for a 2nd child.

Thanks everyone so much for posting some insights into life after adopting a baby. It’s really interesting to hear about the challenges and misconceptions experienced. There’s certainly some things for me as a prospective adopter to keep in mind going forward and definitely some common themes in peoples answers which I think says a lot.
@vjg13 I’m sorry to hear about what you have been through. Thank you for sharing because I think it could be really helpful for adoptive parents to read about.

I was adopted and I can relate to what @vjg13 has said. My impression is that the things she has highlighted, that you cannot see an adopted child of any age as a blank slate and that is is important to really get to know your child, are really important. Babies may be affected by trauma but whatever the age and whatever the trauma they can be helped to recover. In my experience, where there have been serious relationship problems in an adoption, the parent not knowing the child well has been a factor, and I believe that the message here if this is right should be seen as heartening as it means that what happens is very much within your control. If that makes sense.

I just wanted to say that I loved your posts here and on the previous thread (about the other thread) @chicklette

I hoping to adopt a baby because me and my boyfriend can't make one we been sad and we been trying but nothing works so we thought to adopt a baby and give it a loving home

@Mmadison if you have specific questions, I would start your own thread?

Yes I will love to

I am adopted and would really appreciate an adult adoptee board.

@OVienna

Have you asked the moderators about having an adult adoptees board?

I personally find it helpful to hear from adult adoptees, particularly now my son is a young adult. He is happy enough at the moment but who knows what the future holds and how his feelings may change. As much as I can try to support I can never of course know what it feels like to be adopted.

Hi @Ted27 .

Sorry it has taken so long to reply. In fact, my birth father died in the last couple of weeks and I have been processing and sort of avoided this board.

I have not asked but am minded to.

@OVienna

I'm very sorry to hear that. Very complex emotions I'm sure.
It was always, and probably still us, my biggest fear that I would have to tell my son a parent had died before he made his peace with his situation.
I hope you can be at peace with it, if not now, buy at some point in the future.
Best wishes
The Teds xx

@Ted27 Thank you. So tricky.

I am very sorry to hear about your birth father.

I will give some input about having a section for adults who were adopted - a few years ago a group of us requested it and MN decided they wanted to keep everything adoption related in one section. I am not sure it has worked too well for various reasons, to be honest. There are many and varied experiences out there in relation to being adopted and it would be good to be able to start threads about specific issues in that sort of space, though obviously some posts will be positive and some not at all positive about the adoption experience. Some adopted adults are also care survivors and there is no section for care survivors either, I have often thought how useful it could be for people to have one - it isn't the sort of thing one can chat about freely in real life.

If you decide to raise this on site stuff please feel free to @ me and I will support the idea. You could also start a thread on chat as more people might see it, to see how many posters out there might find it helpful.

Thank you so much for this. I will do so before the week is out.

This should also include donor conceived children.

@ahorseonabalcony
@OVienna
I am now also a foster carer and think there would be a strong case for a space for people who have been through the care system
I would support that

@OVienna I’m sorry to hear of your loss, I’m sure it’s raised all kinds of feelings for you. I agree a board for adult adoptees and/or people with care experience would be valuable, the issues are very different than for adoptive parents and I understand it can be very difficult to post in adoption more generally. I’d be happy to support any request you made to mumsnet.

@Jellycatspyjamas
@Ted27
Unless you are an adopted adult, a care survivor or a donor conceived adult, I think it would probably be best if you took a backward step. I have seen almost the worst troll hunting and bullying on MN in the adoption section, aimed at adopted adults, and I suspect that this is why on a very few adopted adults post there. I have seen some appalling posts by you, and I think you both have encouraged some utterly disgraceful posting and PMs from other adopters.

@OVienna I apologise but I am going to hide this thread now - but if you either react to one of my posts or PM then I will find your threads and show support, if you would like. Best wishes about everything else.

,@ahorseonabalcony
In case it escaped your attention both @Jellycatspyjamas are supportive of a board for adult adoptees.
I also great exception to suggestions that I have encouraged private messages to adult adoptees or any one else for that matter, and I certainly have not sent any myself
Nor do I troll hunt or encourage bullying.

I have seen some appalling posts by you, and I think you both have encouraged some utterly disgraceful posting and PMs from other adopters.

Thats a pretty strong statement to make? I always endeavour to post in good faith and have never suggested or encouraged anyone to PM another poster. If you think I’ve posted in a way that breaks mumsnet rules please report the relevant posts.

I adopted my son at 13 months and when I reflect on the experience, having now got a 6yo presenting very differently to how he did as a baby, i appreciate more than ever some of the advice we were given through preparation training that at the time it can be hard to visualise but becomes incredibly important. i think we went into adoption with quite a realistic understanding and our eyes relatively wide open but i think there are still pieces of advice you get that at the time feel like they may be being overemphasised or may not be relevant to your child but definitely become relevant later. My sons BM had a very difficult pregnancy and the impact of that trauma started to become much more apparent from age around 2 rather than his immediate adoption medical screenings or presentation as what at the time was a reasonably well adjusted baby (fostered in a loving consistent home from birth) who was meeting all expected milestones. So my first advice would be to expect the unexpected. How your baby presents at first may very well not be how life turns out a few years down the track so always be mindful of things you can do in those early stages to lay as positive a foundation as you can.

Looking back my son was quite clearly grieving when he was first home. His sleep was unsettled for a good few months (and continues to be an issue) and at the time i think we were naiive in thinking this was teething or illness but i believe this was a grief response. I would really emphasise all that you;re told about keeping everything the same. You'll naturally be excited when you bring them home and want to start making your own choices so it can be frustrating not to be able to but it will pay off massively in terms of bonding if you stick to routine, their comfort items, even things like the washing detergent foster family use and the types of bottles, dummies etc. I got good advice to face my baby towards me in the buggy to encourage eye contact and bonding. Definitely helpful in the firsr few months at least (I appreciate its a bit alwward when friends and family are super keen to have cuddles etc) for just you and your partner to establish yourself as main caregivers. Helps whevere possuible for it only to be the 2 of you to pick them up, change nappies, feed them, comfort them, put to sleep etc. You'll be needing to establish a a delayed stsge in their early dveelopment that you are the reliable safe adult and this is hard for an already confused child if lots of adults are in the mix. It can be exhausting in the early days but try to avoid jumping too soon into them having lots of other people look after them, babysit etc, Also important fir your self care to have a break but sometimes this might look more like having someone sit with you for the day for company than it will someone actually looking after them

I would also manage your own expectations about bonding and milestones. Even as a baby they will have secured somewhat of either a foundational bond with their foster carers or a disorganised bond with lots of different adults so dont expect them to have the same patterms of bonding as other babies you see aorund you or your birth child. for example my son didnt actually refer to us as mummy and daddy until 1 year in (2yo). there may be some sligjt delay in milestones - my son was on track but v slightly on late stage for things like walking, weaning off milk etc, because he was adopted at quite a transitional time so we had to go back a few steps. Do be watchful for any early signs of anything that doesnt appear quite right about their development and dont be afraid to bring this up early to health visitor, GP etc as myself and man yadopters will tell you it gets harder as they get older to secure the help you need. but most of all, enjoy! amongst all the extra considerations there is a lot of happiness in welcoming your child to your family, allow yourself to enjoy that even if it may look a little different as an adoptive family