Friends and Family Talk

[Torvy]

Hi all,

We've just got through to Stage 2 and have been given a date for a friends and family talk. Does anyone have any idea what to expect? It is 90 minutes long, and I have absolutely no idea what they will talk about! I'm assuming maybe a bit about theraputic parenting, then what support might be useful for us as adopters from them?

Also, is it something that lots of friends and family of different adopters will be attending, or just our friends and family?

Any information or experiences would be welcome!

We havent done this yet. But i got the impression from our sw that its beneficial to anyone who will have significant interaction or care responsibilities for the child. We are just asking our parents to do this as only they would come under that category for us. They told us it would be explained why routine is so important and why you need to be mindful e.g. shouting might be ok with your grandkids, but if your new ones have come from a background of violence it could trigger them. Im hoping it will help them to understand why we need to parent therapeutically and the importance of consistency in the approach we take.

Ours did an Adoption UK one which was really useful and gave the grandparents things to think about. Most importantly for us I think was it got them to understand why we wouldnt want them to share photos all over social media, so I think just generally its a way to hear experiences and learn from others experiences, some of which may be helpful to your situation.

My immediate family went but no friends. Our training was 4 hrs. They went over trauma mostly and gave lots of tips re the need to give space for first couple of weeks, to let the children come to them etc. I think it was really helpful. There were friends and family of other prospective adopters there too.

Ours was pre-covid and a day long training session. My parents and 3 siblings, OH's mum and 3 of his immediate family went. The fact that so many were prepared to give up their time to do this was seen as a positive for our application to adopt. More importantly it gave them all a chance to understand modern adoption, the impact it could have on us both as a couple and as a wider family. They got to ask questions and discuss the answers as a family in a way they would never have otherwise done. It was fed back to us that my MIL in particular had used the opportunity to ask lots of pertinent and thought provoking questions leading to some good discussions for the group as a whole and not just our family.

Thanks everyone! It seems to be a bit of a mixed bag about whether it will be just our family/friends then, but the topics covered seem to be roughly what we were expecting, and it seems as though we have invited the right number/circle of people.

I might prep people to have some questions ready.

I'm sure it's going to be a good thing in the long run, but it does feel a bit weird to invite people to something we know so little about! Our social worker is quite experienced, but I think that means she can sometimes forget that whilst she has done this several times, it's a totally new process for us, and we don't know what to expect for each part, or quite what is expected of us (like who to invite to things like this for example!). Lots of people want to come, but we didn't want to say oh 20 people have said they want to attend - which they do, the news we are adopting has been very well recieved by our families- but that to be unmanageable for the event manager, or whether the more the merrier, if that makes sense?

We keep getting told not to worry, things are flexible and chilled, centred around us and can be moved around, but also that simultaneously there are some things that are Very Important and Cannot Be Changed Or Altered In Any Way Or Else, but when we ask which events fall into which category, it's treated as though they are obvious. For example, now we know that meetings can be moved, prep groups can't. I don't want to come across as anxious, but also I don't think it's unreasonable to ask questions about the expectations of certain events or processes that we've had precisely no experience of.... is it? I'm worried that by asking so many questions I will seem anxious, but at the same time it seems really weird that they don't have a standardised list of all the stuff expected and what that may entail in Stage 2. It feels like a bit of a magical mystery ride at the moment, and given that it is clearly a relatively standard process, surely it can't be too difficult to have an approximation of what is expected? Or am I missing something?

Sorry about the rant. I've been a long time lurker on the boards, and you all give such sensible advice and reality checks! It's so easy to get in your own head about these things.