Burnt out and need strength/ advice to keep going

[Strengthtokeep]

Evening, I'm not strictly adopting but I think there will be parents here who may have had similar experienced to what I'm currently facing.

I took in a relatives child a few weeks ago. They have witnessed violence, experienced extreme neglect and are emotionally and academically very far behind. The first few weeks were fine but now I've really hit a brick wall. The DC is often rude, impossible to get to do the simplest normal tasks (even refuses to go to the toilet sometimes).

Any advice on how to approach things? And how you have the strength to keep going when it feels like their is no hope?

I don't want to give up on them as everyone else has, but today the refusing to go to the toilet has really broken me.

How old? My guess is that a) it's just sinking in for them that this is for the long haul, and b) they're starting to like you and that terrifies them. When you have absolutely no control over what feels like a very scary world, you control what you can - in this case, their body and toileting. It's extremely hard to remember this in the heat of the moment, but generally the child isn't trying to do the behaviour TO you, they're doing the behaviour In Front Of you to show you they're hurting.

Also, your home which I presume to be safe, clean, warm and relatively calm, will be totally alien to them. Their "normal" is sadly a very damaging environment, possibly an angry one - for some children they will need to push and push and push to see if they can trigger that anger in a new family because perversely that feels familiar and less scary

This is a long road so my first advice is: build in ways to look after yourself and replenish energy. Do you have trusted people to talk to? Do you have any child-free time in the week? 100% drop your standards - very easy foods, minimal household stuff, early nights. This is a really tough time and something's got to give.

Next, are you getting support from a social work team? There should be support and training for family carers / special guardians.

If you know or can guess the age they were when the neglect / trauma occurred, it may help to think of them as being that age emotionally. So you may well have a baby or a toddler in an older child's body, with only that toddler-level ability to express their feelings.

Oh bless you, that sounds really tough.

Do you have a Social worker? There are lots of things they and you will need but it will take time to get things in place if they are not already there.
I'd say your priority now is building your relationship with them, not worrying about behaviour.
How old are they ? Children who have been through trauma like you describe are emotionally and developmentally younger than their age. So if they are 5, treat them like a toddler. They will be confused and terrified. If they have been so very badly neglected they may not know how to do things, often its a case of can't and not won't do. So lower your expectations and pick your battles. Don't make food and mealtimes a battleground, if all they will eat is chicken nuggetts them give them chicken nuggetts. If they can't use a knife and fork, let them use fingers.
Do they have support in school - an EHC plan?
They will need theraputic support, if you are going for an SGO then you will be able to apply to the Adoption Support Fund.
They should also qualify for DLA.

Are you trying to keep a job going as well.
Sorry to fire a load of questions at you - if we know a bit more we can help more.
This is very early days, and its going to be a long haul, you will have to advocate for them to get what they need. There is always hope. You keep going by drawing on support, asking for help.
We've all been there - you aren't alone

Thanks for the replies.

The child is 8, and I would say their emotional level is that of a 2 year old. I was planning on continuing working but I'm not honestly considering giving it up just so I have a bit of time to myself during the day.

You are both exactly right that DC is finding it frightening. They can react badly when I praise them, and (I know this isn't true deep down but it's hoe it looks on the surface) that they prefer negative attention. When we've had a hard few days and they've settled down they start doing things that could badly injure themselves which means I feel I have to draw a boundary which starts the conflict all over again.

I've had some contact with the social workers but I haven't found them of much use so far. To be honest I'm a little afraid of telling them how hard I'm finding it.

I don't have any time without them as to be honest I'm afraid that they will hurt themselves or others without me there

That’s very hard, do you have any family or social support? Maybe someone that can even be home while you get a shower and a cup of tea?

When we've had a hard few days and they've settled down they start doing things that could badly injure themselves which means I feel I have to draw a boundary which starts the conflict all over again.

This is really very typical, and it’s generally about safety. Being in conflict with you means they don’t need to accept care from you, or affection or acceptance. It also means you might back off or send them away, mirroring what’s happened to them previously. Basically they’re trying to set their world right again.

Settled times in their old home might have indicated the calm before the storm, and so be actually very scary for them, because they know calm doesn’t mean safe. My DD would do the same every time things went well for her, it’s much less now but she can still try to sabotage things.

@Ted27 has given really good advice, also look at therapeutic parenting, Dan Hughes has a good model in responding to children centred on playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy - which is hard when you’re tired and frustrated but is very effective in reducing conflict. Traditional parenting methods like time out, imposing consequences really doesn’t work for our kids and can inflame things but there are good alternatives out there.

Try to get some rest tonight and keep posting if you find it helpful.

@Strengthtokeep

why are you afraid of telling the SWs how bad it is.

You absolutely must not let them get away with not supporting you.

My son came home when he was 8, at that point he was tiny and I could control things more or less, but it was a only a few short years before he was bigger than me - then you are in a different ball game.
You have to get support in. I understand what you are saying about staying in work to get some time to yourself, but you may have to rethink that. I worked 3 days a week for 7 years. It was a good balance.
Look into benefits, do they get DLA, if not apply for it - it will make a huge difference to your finances.
What is the situation with school - are they supportive ?

To help you understand what is going on, it might be good to look at Beacon House. They have a really good resource on YouTube about the zones of regulation. That really helped me understand my own son’s behaviour (he goes from a dissociative state to dysregulative state constantly). Also, work by Bruce Perry helped put the self harm behaviour into perspective. Reading up on these things, might help you predict the child’s behaviour better (it certainly did for me).

Also, look after yourself. You will become hyper vigilant along with the child, constantly looking for danger. Try lots of self regulation techniques for yourself and co regulation for you and the little one.

You have done her an amazing thing. Well done

There are quite a few factors which would indicate where the child is at, and which would affect advice here:

• can you outline what happened - eg has the neglect taken place

since birth, has the child witness violence constantly or recently or intermittently, who was violent to whom, and do you understand the root causes of the problem – addiction or trauma or mental health or learning difficulties or other?

• what was the nature of the neglect exactly, how did the child spend their days and has this been the case since birth?
• has the child experienced love from any quarter at any time, did the child get any positive input at any time from any source, were there any positives in their life, have there been any interventions
• what was the home environment like most of the time
• did the child get to play with other children
• are there siblings? Where are they now and how old are they?
• what is happening with the parents, is the child likely to stay with you now?
• what experience do you have of children and looking after children, if you have children how old are they?
• has the child been to school since reception and is the child going to school now and is it the same school
• do you have any help or support from other family members

Also (sorry) in relation to being behind at school, are they reading and writing and where are they with maths? Is the problem an inability to concentrate or no skills?

And in relation to emotional immaturity, can you give examples?

@fighterpilots can I ask if you are an Adopter. As many of your questions are about very personal information which the OP probably wont want to share.

On this board we tend to only share our experiences whilst keeping our childrens privacy intact.

@Strengthtokeep I found that long walks with a heavy backpack worked wonders... it really helps to regulate my now 6 year old son.

And just being there for him and using shedloads of PACE and the 'Wondering' game.

I have massively learnt to keep the housework to a bare minimum and get lots of sleep. On occasion I've even been in bed by 7pm ! As a single adopter everything falls on me so I have to keep my cup full enough...

OP following on from chocapple's post, if it wasn't clear please don't post identifiable information (I had assumed you wouldn't)

Sorry chocapple that should have been clear, apologies if not.

As a single adopter everything falls on me so I have to keep my cup full enough...

This is really important, the patience you need for your child and therapeutic parenting strategies take a lot of emotional energy, if you’re running on empty it’ll be doubly harder for you. Think of things that “fill your cup” - for me it’s things like having 5 minutes to have a cup of tea and drinking it mindfully, being in the fresh air, having a g&t after the kids are in bed, binge watching old tv series (that I don’t need to think about - mindlessness is really needed sometimes), an early night when I’m tired. It doesn’t need to be anything major or costly but time when you can attend to your own needs or just rest.

It’s not unusual for neglected children to be academically behind, apart from not having parental support to learn, it’s night on impossible for children to relax sufficiently to take on board new learning when their lives are unpredictable and their care is unsafe. Maslows hierarchy of need is a very old model now but it gives a good visual representation of how deficits in basic needs inhibits development of higher level functioning like logic, empathy, compassion etc. Your child will need stability to make headway in learning so don’t push too much, just getting them into school and connected to teachers and pupils is enough while they’re going through this transition. Don’t fuss about homework, read with them every night and ask questions about the pictures etc because it builds connection and will help with inference and comprehension when they are more ready to learn.

Basically take pressure off yourself and them. Also remember, if you had gone through the adoption process you’d be on adoption leave just now. You’re trying to do a full time job settling a traumatised child and trying to work. Make it as easy on yourself as you possibly can.

Good advice anotherneutralname and others

OP it will get better. Get all the help you can. Please ask for help.

Find connection with child,games, cooking whatever, it will feel more worth it and build trust.

I think that more detail helps because advice about a child who had suffered severe neglect from birth for a period of 8 years might be vastly different from where the child experienced a period of stability in their early life and where the neglect and other problems started more recently, for example. Also, sometimes the generic advice isn't the best advice and sometimes could make things worse. Therefore more detail helps, however, you have to balance that with privacy.

In case it helps this is one of the Beacon House resources referred to by a pp:

@Strengthtokeep, please do read up on PDA (pathological demand avoidance). Your posts resonated with me as I have been brought to my knees by my DD1’s resistance to fulfil the most basic of social demands ie go to the lavatory when your bladder is full. My DD1 is now 14 and I have been fobbed off for years by various play/art/drama therapists who were convinced her ‘issues’ were attachment related. Turns out - after a single consultation with a properly qualified psychotherapist of 20 years’ experience (ie not an Adoption Support Fund (bullshit) psycho-drama therapist with a 12-month quasi-qualification) that DD1 is autistic with a PDA profile and also has ADHD. This diagnosis has been life and game-changing as my DD is now medicated for her ADHD and I am re-learning now how to parent her in order to make our home life as harmonious as possible.

Do you mean psychiatrist? A psychotherapist who is not also a psychiatrist can't prescribe meds?

Sorry the above was @smaugmum

smaugmum I think the OP has left the thread. I am not sure if any of this will be relevant to you as you may have meant a psychiatrist, but I did find what you posted confusing and so thought it was worth posting this just in case. As you probably know, the symptoms of developmental trauma can look a lot like the symptoms of ASD, PDA, ADHD but the therapy is different. The prognosis for trauma (if the therapy is done properly) for example is full recovery potentially, without meds or a lifelong diagnosis.

after a single consultation with a properly qualified psychotherapist of 20 years’ experience (ie not an Adoption Support Fund (bullshit) psycho-drama therapist with a 12-month quasi-qualification) I have been through this and in case it is helpful, a psychotherapist is a "talking" therapist for emotional problems, whereas ASD, PDA, ADHD are clinical diagnoses. If you look up NICE guidelines for diagnosis of ASD for example there should be a team with a psychiatrist and other therapists and the school will be spoken to and so on. In relation to qualifications, psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, educational psychologist, are protected titles and require specific levels of education and training, I believe, whereas in the UK anyone can call themselves a psychotherapist, according to the BACP guidelines I have seen. Specifically in relation to trauma more is known now than 20 years ago because of advances in neuroscience, and so the number of years someone has practiced might be less relevant than the training and expertise.

I mentioned meds but I have been told that I am wrong as it is apparently scarily easy to get hold of meds and a diagnosis without a child even been seen if you go private.

*even being seen

@fighterpilots, thanks for tagging me and I’m more than happy to continue the discussion, even if the OP has left the room!

Yes, of course, my daughter was seen - following her appointment with her properly credentialed school psychotherapist- by appropriately qualified (and separate teams) who made the separate diagnoses. Interestingly, all of the practitioners involved worked jointly for the NHS/CAMHS and private organisations.

We were fortunate that my DD’s school funded the assessments so we could bypass the multiple-years waiting lists for our local CAMHS service.

I do agree with you that there is a strong overlap between the ‘symptoms’ of developmental trauma and those of ASD (actually, the NHS are now referring to it as ASC as it is a ‘condition’ rather than a ‘disorder’) but there is strong heritability for both ADHD and ASC (about 75 per cent for the former and between 40 and 80 per cent for the latter). Given that adopters don’t have access to the medical records of birth families, but we are told (usually) about substance abuse and chaotic lives, there is a prevailing school of thought that birth parents may self-medicate with drugs and alcohol to manage mental health issues and neurodiverse conditions such as ADHD. Both of my DD1’s birth parents were addicted to drugs and alcohol - I have written here previously that she is registered blind due to her in utero experiences - and her birth father died in prison (all of this information is known and owned by my DD). Neither of her birth parents succeeded at school, nor did they ever manage employment or ‘normal’ lives - and I can’t help but wonder if that was because they were undiagnosed for the conditions they had and subsequently passed on to their birth children?

I always seem to end up as the bad fairy at the celebration on the adoption board here (!), but I have always found it helpful to listen to and read of the experiences of those who are further ahead of me in their adoption journeys (I started the process 15 years ago now and DD1 was placed with me 13+ years ago).

I think the point I mostly want to make is that we all end up being the experts on our own individual children. I truly would not medicate my child unnecessarily but the difference in her since starting ADHD medication is remarkable - she masked for so long because she is academically able but now the pressure is on in Y9, she started to unravel. I/she have found it helpful to have proper diagnoses and to begin to try to understand the workings of her very complex brain, rather than everything being ‘because adoption’. I do agree that her pre-natal (horrible) experiences and her removal at birth, plus her two foster placements before she was a month old, and her placement with me are all factors in how she relates to the world. I am always mindful to remind every single adult working with my child that she is complex due to her sudden and unexpected sight loss at the age of 11, her birth history, her adoptive status and now her ADHD/ASC/PDA diagnoses.

In short, I believe it’s lazy and short-sighted to attribute every single difficulty in the life of an adoptive child to ‘developmental trauma’ and then offer adoptive parents a plethora of panaceas such as parenting courses or NVR training; sometimes, there are genuine medical reasons why children behave in the ways they do. And, in the same way my mother takes medication for her severe arthritis, I will continue to opt for medical interventions to help my DD1 control her diagnosed conditions. And if the net result is a more harmonious family life for all of us, then, for me, as a single adoptive parent of two, that’s a win-win.

Developmental trauma is a wide term encompassing many things as I understand it which is why it is used quite a lot, exactly what developmental trauma is affecting the particular child is the key thing. Afaik where assessment of needs is done properly it is by a clinical psychologist who has appropriate expertise, who would be able to assess at what stage brain development was affected and what the appropriate therapies should be, so I don't think "lazy" would apply there. However, I agree that many of the parenting courses are unlikely to hit the mark and my personal belief is that where there are the right parenting or therapeutic interventions NVR will not be needed. There seems to be a lack of joined up thinking when it comes to adoption and training as there are some really good parenting courses out there available to some adopters which are evidence based and it seems to me that surely that content should be included in the courses given to all prospective adopters, before they adopt, as that would surely be the most useful thing to do.

Talking in a wider sense, not about your situation, I agree that there will often be neurological things going on. However, it will often be a combination of that together with the child's past and their current environment, parenting, and other things which affect behaviour. Diagnosis of neurological factors is not relevant to stealing, lying, lack of empathy for example which are more likely to be things which will be related to parenting and relationship as I understand it.

I think as time goes on the interrelationship between disorders (or conditions) and other factors will be understood better. I looked up PDA out of interest and found on the PDA Society website the recommended parenting strategies and what really jumped out at me was the fact that they were pretty much all also evidence based recommended parenting methods recommended for all children (!).

I think that the best thing parents can do is to gain as good an understanding of developmental trauma, normal development, disorders as we can because as you say parents are the experts in relation to their dc.

Anyway, sorry to bang on and thank you again for your reply and best of luck to you and your daughter. I hope that the OP is getting support offline. The child has only been with her a few weeks and it sounds as though there has been significant trauma poor thing.