A bit of waffling from someone wanting to adopt

[Lwren]

Hello, thanks for reading if you do :)

I'm a birth mother to 3 children, 2 have additional needs, despite this my home is relatively low arousal but that's more because BC tend to prefer it that way, however they're all okay with the house being more full of bustle or smaller children when it is.
I've spent years working with young people with additional needs as has DH, we've been together almost 10 years now, as well as creating our family we've become approved foster carers for nephews, we've minded many many children, including small babies for friends as well as having our 3 at home.
We live a very mellow life, most activities are planned so if a kid with additional needs ruins it, we can exit, we are quite organised and are okay with kids being demanding, we're dab hands with the old meltdowns.
The eldest DC sleeps downstairs in a bedroom and the younger 2 love sharing, so we've got a spare bedroom next to ours, plus a converted loft.
We always planned to adopt our last child, my childhood, was terrible, as was DHs, so we've worked alot together and separately to work on our style of parenting and how we like our home to be for our children and any young guests we have had. We've smashed that out the park tbh, I'm proud of the life we've created for our family.
Due to the additional needs of our asd children, I'm unable to work so I'm quite privileged to be a sahm.
DH works from home, soon to be part time so we've got a good amount of time for all our children.

We're so invested in this, we've read every book, we've heard every podcast, I've read every forum, I have watched EVERY YouTube video, we've got both the lamaze and tomy butterfly toys, (I have literally done everything to ensure preparation is done now as I want the more serious side of it dealt with during the process).
We've got everything we can think of regarding knowing we've already loved children that aren't our dna, we don't feel that is going to be a problem, but we're prepared if it is, we're doing the courses I've read suggested on here and AUK, I've attended webinars. I've read every single book on parenting a traumatised child.
I don't want another BC. As much as I adore my children, adoption has been my plan and DH wants adoption to be the only way we continue extending our family, if we weren't successful we'd not have another BC.
We're prepared for the work raising a child with trauma would take and any additional needs, we're already in the flow of that anyway, so we'd struggle but know where to seek help for those struggles.
Our BC are aware of adoption through stories we've read and conversations, they all like babies (no noise sensitivity etc) and have all expressed a desire for another sibling, although I've taken that with a pinch of salt truth told. This is because DP and I would love to be adoptive parents.

I'm just wondering if I've prepared myself so much I'm terrifying myself.
I'm almost making this desire to have another child and this need to love and parent a child with trauma, (something I sadly know many children with), I can't articulate it but I feel like I may have given it so much thought they'd reject us, or say that the scenarios I've considered are unrealistic, as I really have imagined the absolute worst cases and still we want to do this. (DH thinks I'm focusing too much on negative tales, I think I'm being prepared). Our chosen agency are aware of us and when we're prepared to go ahead seem keen for us to proceed when we're ready.
Because I've done a similar process to Foster I'm unsure if I'm scared of the process again, almost selling myself this time as someone who can parent as this is adoption, this is bloody major life changing stuff.
Or because it's something I've always dreamed of doing, I may let my BC and AC down if were successful and I'm not going to be anywhere near the parents I follow on SM who adopt are. I swear, I love tacky shoes and have a stutter. I'm not a Pinterest mum, I'm never going to have a house like Mrs hinch etc

Sorry for long essay, I've wanted to write this almost a year now and been to scared, I have read so many of your posts and you're almost like the cool table at school and you don't want to say hi in case you make yourself look a dick 🤣

Thanks for reading this, if you have anything to add, good, bad, ugly, anything I should work on, or anything that sounds like we'd not be able to proceed when we've got the youngest in full time education, please, let me know.

Sorry for waffling content once again

Thank you 💐💖💙

You sound wonderful and am sure you would give another child a lovely home.

The only thing I can think of - is that whilst now your children may be happy to share now they may not be in the future but you mention you have a converted loft that could also be used.

Whilst I’m sure many people can and do cope wonderfully with 4 children, I think more than one is lots - so you may just need to be prepared to talk about how you would cope, and ensure you are supporting your biological children as well as a child who has significant trauma. (I have two and don’t know if I could cope with 3!!!!)

Though I really do feel from reading your post that you will make a wonderful parent to an adopted child!

Oh thank you so much ☺☺❤
That's really kind of you!

Can I ask in your experience, do older BC get to access courses on being siblings to adopted children?
My eldest is 15 and has been curious about trauma in smaller children, with there being potentially quite morbid reasons for needing to be adopted, I'm hoping there's something for them to learn from.

I think I'd have more faith in the process if I didn't know how much SWs are running on skeleton crews/minimal funding.

Thank you for replying again x

@Lwren

you and your DH sound lovely and you have created a wonderful home for your family. I'm not surprised the SWs are snapping at your heels.

I wonder who the parents you are following on SM are.
I know lots of adoptive families, none of us would claim to be perfect parents or to have all the answers.
I'm far from perfect, I've been known to drop the occasional expletive
( just not in front of SWs!), I wear DMs, dangly earrings and collect sparkly handbags. I have an allotment so usually look like I've been dragged through a hedge. And I could do with losing 3 stone.
Kids don't need houses like Mrs Hinch, they needs homes filled with love and understanding.
Personally I don't think there is any such thing as too much preparation. Information is power. I think its also absolutely reasonable to think about worst case scenarios and what you feel you could cooe with. I certainly did, particularly when I was at the matching stage.
I've never heard of courses for older children about being siblings to adopted children - its a great idea though.
I think you wil be fabulous adopters. Good luck !

Thank you so so much, I'm really humbled by your kindness! I will keep following these threads and I will keep this community updated? It's the nicest part of the parenting community isn't it? 🥰

Thank you for replying and your handbags sound fantastic!
I think dms and an allotment sound pretty heavenly right now, especially when it warms up!

Really do appreciate your time to reply 💐💚

Wow oh wow...

@Lwren your post is just full of so much enthusiasm, preparations and REALISM. You are also wanting to adopt for all the right reasons I.e to give a child a family. Plus your children seem on board. And you have loads of experience with SEND.

I would be biting your hand off if I was a SW

I am a single adopter and had a 5 year old boy Placed over a year ago. His Needs have been far far more complex and challenging than the Matching process paperwork/talks and has included significant child to parent violence.

But I have got through it. Why ? Because like you I had researched and researched. I was REALISTIC too. I had also prepared financially for going part time & the worst case scenario of giving up work. Life is very challenging lol & I am finding it incredibly difficult to even work very part time at home...But life is a million times better than the days filled with hours of trauma/Sensory fuelled agressive dysregulation in the first year.

To adopt you need bucket loads of resilience and stick ability. You seem to have it in spades.

Go girl and please keep us updated. This board is absolutely brilliant for advice and being part of the adoption community.

I work in adoption. You sound like you'll be brilliant. One of the most important things is choosing the agency that will support you best. Make sure they have a robust package of post-adoption support. Most will do 121 work with your children. Many will run courses that close friends/family can attend and often these are suitable to a 15 year old. Some agencies will allocate your children their own worker (usually a social work assistant) to collect their views and support their understanding of the process. Good luck.

I'm not going to be anywhere near the parents I follow on SM who adopt are.

You sound amazing, so warm and caring but also you know first hand the challenges and have realistically considered them. Let go of this pressure though - some days my parenting is Insta-worthy, some days it’s most definitely not for public consumption but my kids are loved, accepted and cared for which is what actually matters. Even the folk you follow on SM aren’t anywhere near the parents they purport to be, because we’re all human. Your humanity will stand you in good stead, much more than a Pinterest perfect bedroom will.

I'm so humbled and floored actually by your replies!
Thank you all so so bloody much.☺
DH has been encouraging me to chat to this board for a while and he's delighted I have! From us both, thank you!

I think the instamums are often very well put together, very slim, beautiful etc and usually very articulate.
I suppose I've worried more about my stuttering waffly nonsense than I've needed too!
Such a kind bunch you are, given me a huge boost! 💐💖💐💖

Such kind

I love your passion and enthusiasm. I think you are a lovely parent to your kids, foster kids and will be for your adopted kids. You sound so committed to them all and that’s what they need.

Only you know when the time is right for your family to pursue adoption and wishing you and your family much success.

We have a combination of birth children, foster and adopted. 2 are complex needs children in wheelchairs with complex medical needs and one has challenging behaviour. Our birth son ( now an adult ) still lives at home and has Aspergers .
Our house is obviously never going to be Instagram worthy and to be honest I wouldn't want it to be. I am an overweight middle aged mum ( and soon to be grandma ) . Honestly adoptive families come in all shapes and sizes and the most important thing is to be able to manage the challenges of parenting a child or young person that may have any number of additional needs.
Your experience will make you a v attractive proposition . Our experience of dealing with challenging behaviour with our son was seen as a massive bonus so really don't worry.
good luck with it all ..

I wish I could send you folks a bottle of fancy gin and some tulips! Your time to reply and calm my nerves and read my waffling has been so so wonderful!

It's so nice to read as well that adoptive parents so come in shapes, sizes and different levels of experience etc.
Your stories and experiences are all so different and allowing me insight really has helped make my mind up to go for this, hopefully in summer!

If I'm honest I'd not really enjoy an insta worthy life myself, seeing my kids covered in sand and mud and paint are my favourite times, they've plenty of times to be precious about their appearance as teenagers 😂

You're such a welcoming community, I've also always admired how you've been able to share experiences but not your children's privacy, that's major for me and really is something parents of adopted kiddos really are masters at! 😊

The only thing I'd pick up on is you saying you can't work because of your bc's needs.
If your adopted child needed your attention 24/7. If they hurt themselves or damaged stuff or attacked another dc if you paid attention to one of your other dc or answered the phone or talked to another adult. How would you cope?

@PicaK (I've just learnt to tag people so I'm sorry I didn't tag anyone previously!)

Really good points definitely. Right now I can't work bc of my youngest one because school is an issue, I have some days 8 school runs to do, once we've got his SEN school sorted he'll be entitled to transport, that's when we'd start to the process, once I've got that time in the day he's at school.
Also my other half will be working part time hours and from home, so his evenings and weekends will be at home with us.
I can return to work from home, running my etsy shop, but right now my focus is on the kiddos, again I'm very blessed to be in this position.
I'm presuming the DC we adopt will have constant changes in their needs, so I'm preparing for someone with extremely intense and constant needs, just to ensure I don't have some preconception that it will be at any point easy.
Not to be morbid, but we've discussed what would happen if myself or DH passed away, how would the other cope, we believe with lots of help from my mum, lots of respite for our youngest, (not overnight, we're thinking a support worker who could do some weekend shifts taking him places) and similar dependant on AC needs.
Between us both being available to give attention I think we can cope. It'll be tough and a learning curve but I think we're pretty hard-core with demanding kiddos providing we support each other.
My youngest is very comfortable to play with his siblings or copy mummy's jobs, he loves helping, (by helping I mean destroying our home with a duster and showing us how wonderful his cleaning has been, whilst managing to make more mess than I dreamt possible 🤣🤣)
I'm concerned about the kids fighting should I be selfish enough to need a poo or answer the door to a broadband salesperson too.
I know that people will say, "that's siblings/kids" but it could be catastrophic couldn't it? Especially if my youngest cracks my AC back, right now if my youngest have a barney they both come tell on the other to me, that's rare and not an issue usually.
I try to make sure there's 2 of things that could cause issues with sharing.
My eldest BC is very much involved with my youngest as well, he loves playing and really getting involved. I've had him watch finding a home for masie to show him how AC can behave, not to terrify him, his opinion is very much "she'd love it here", which is gorgeous but also unrealistic.

Do you think that explaining I'm preparing to eliminate risks as much as possible and working on methods to ensure all kiddos get time with me and dh as much as possible, including having my dm here on days when things are going tits up to come and take some of my brood the park/pictures" etc?

It's such a really unusual way to prepare for extending your family. I think though, I could bring a really complicated BC into the mix (no intentions of ever doing that again! It's a definite no) and have no help.

Im trying to leave my kids wants (all 3 are asking for a sibling) out of this, I think they're very keen because we've always got others babies here, but they're not traumatised or yet have additional needs) because as nice as it is they're on board, they're not a reason to adopt.

Yet I'm very concerned by adopting it may be quite selfish, because no matter how cautious I am, accidents will happen.
And if I adopt, what if I'm taking a child away from potential adopters who aren't able to conceive?
However I know many children need adoption and that I can specify no matter how much I'd love any child, I don't want to stop another family getting a child. That's such a worry to me! But I'm sure a SW can discuss that with me.

Thanks so much for giving me things to think about, this thread has given me such confidence and also things to consider.

Thank you greatly x
(Told you I frigging waffle!)

@Lwren

just to respond to your worry about taking a child away from potential adopters
Well don't worry about it, because you aren't.
Remember that adoption is really a service for children, not adults.

You home and family sound wonderful. There are children who will thrive in it, but others won't.
Adopters have different things to offer a child. The child you eventually bring home will be the right child for you.

@Ted27 thank you so so much! I'll definitely keep you updated when I start my journey if that's okay?
I'm really hopeful about it and constantly assessing future risks etc, I think once I've had time to get my kids into a routine and DH is here but out the way, that seems like a good opportunity time wise to have plenty of 1:1 time as a primary caregiver but with a helping hand too should I need dh.
Thank you as well for reminding me it's not anyone besides the child, you're right.
And I suppose anyone going through this process needs faith that sw's will be able to place the right child with us ☺ Xx

Totally agree with Ted27 its parents for children. We had 3 homegrown children and somehow landed up adopting 8, mad yes but the best thing ever so go for it and enjoy! Keep us updated.

I'm so sorry - I was having a bad day yesterday.
But just to explain that my adopted daughter needed constant, attention.
Social workers focused only on her needs.
We trusted them.
Dh took over all care of our birth ds
We ended up with DS feeling cut off from me.
Dh withdrew from me and didn't get chance to bond with DD.
I had no nighttime break for 3 years plus and had a mental breakdown
Marriage fell apart.

@2old2beamum your house must be absolutely WILD during the 6 weeks 🤣🤣 I love that it's been so wonderful for you! I mean I think you're bonkers, but I'm here for it 🤣♥️💙

@picaK I'm really sorry that your experience has been so bloody awful.
I've read things so similar to this and it's so heartbreaking. Nobody wants to extend a loving family for that to be the downfall of it. I feel so much sadness that happened to you. Thank you for sharing such a difficult time with me, I really respect the honesty.
I hope things get better soon and this year is filled with the loveliest days for you 💐

My adopted child needs almost 100% of my time and attention (otherwise there can be risky behaviour or violence). It leaves very little time for my birth child. I am full of guilt and question my decision to adopt every day. Oh and we thought so hard at matching but the reality is, the trauma was masked so well that nobody knew.

It sounds like your birth children need you especially your child with sn. Would they be ok with you only checking in with them now and again? Can they keep themselves safe while you spend hours attending to a traumatised child? That’s the reality for my family.

You sound so happy with your family and love being a mum. Your kids are obviously your world. What is your motivation to adopt? (You don’t need to answer). If your children are still young and still very much need you, I would shelf the idea for a few years. Only you know the individual circumstances and knowing what I know now, it is a huge risk for your kids stability and happiness.

@121Sarah121 hello! Thank you for your reply, I'm sorry it's not been plain sailing.
Truly 💔 you know before I'd read breakdown stories my view was, "I've never regretted having extra people around me to love, even if it didn't work out the way I wanted", but when you open the possibility of breaking your kids heart, that view goes out of the window doesn't it? I really hope things are better for you and thanks for sharing that with me x💐

You asked my adoption motivation and I suppose the main one is I love having the house filled with children, I love the playing and the busy times, I love watching them develop into these people I've helped become fulfilled. I was born into chaos and written off by schools. Instead of picking up on my dyslexia/dyspraxia and my trauma, I was branded as stupid and just very much ignored. I didn't write for a long time, couldn't do basics such as simple math or telling the time. Anyway the way I was written off I've seen time and time again from children through work, even from kiddos I just happen to know. Just so many times I've encountered children who needed the family I have created for my kids, and I've not been in a situation to help. Now I am and my kids are all doing great, even with their additional needs, I feel once my days are free and evenings shared with d/h, I'm probably in a good of a position as I can be to try and be the best AP along with DH we can be.
I feel as though if I had another BC I'd most likely have a child with special needs and having special needs is awful for the child, why have children that may struggle when so many kids out there who also may struggle need homes? I'm sure that's a naive reason. Its the reason DH wants to adopt, use the skills our kids have taught us, essentially.
During the school days when my BC are out I think about how those hours could be spent bonding and learning about a child who needs the love and care, no matter if it is 24/7, to really give everything to build attachment. Ive even gotten local theraplay therapists numbers and things for early intervention to try my best to secure a bond.
I know it's not a given, no matter what we do that will happen, but we'd try everything and seek help.
I've asked my mum to come on courses with me, (she's been sober for about 13 years!) And other parts of our network to ensure my support is all aware of potential issues of a traumatised child.
Thank you for sharing with me your story. It's so kind of you. X