Adopting with birth children living with partners ex

[Laur1999]

Hi all

We have recently started stage 1 of adopting a child. My partner has 2 children from a previous relationship that live with their mum. He’s spoken to his ex and she is worried the kids will feel pushed out and won’t want to come to our house anymore. We have obviously spoken to our SW and are looking at things to make sure they don’t feel pushed out but wondered if anyone has been through a similar situation and has any advice. Thank you

I think I'd want to find out what exactly she is worried about.

Would she feel the same if you were having a birth child? What if she were to have a baby with a new partner?

So is it a new child she is worried about or an adopted child?

@Ted27 I think she would be the same about either adopted or birth child. They live quite far away so my other half struggles not seeing his kids as much as he wants and not being able to do the normal Dad stuff like pick them up from school so he’d be distraught if they didn’t want to come anymore.

I think it will be hard on all the children involved. Adopted children need more attention and different parenting to birth children (even new borns).
Also I think it would be very hard on an adopted child to have children coming in and out of their space who are supposed to be there siblings but aren't there all the time. There will be a huge amount of disruption when the other children come. It will also affect their understanding of family why does dad (your dp) parent them (your adopted child) all the time but their siblings only sometimes. When you already have trauma then extra trauma or a variable house can be very hard.

Its not exactly an unknown situation in adoption land.
A lot depends on the ages of the children and the child you hope to adopt.
There are lots of children's books around about how families come in all shapes and sizes.
I don't think there has to be huge disruption when the other children are there if its managed properly.
Many adopted children have siblings who live elsewhere. Again if its managed well, it needn't cause huge issues.
Do you children know about your plans yet?

@Ted27 no we haven’t told them yet but are going to next time we have them. We told their mum as the adoption team will be sending out references next week. We are hoping to adopt a 0-2 year old boy and he has 2 girls aged 6 and 8.

I would be wary of telling them too soon. This could be a long process. At least when you have a baby you know more or less when they will arrive.

Hi @Laur1999

I have sent you a private message we have adopted 2 little people with 2 older birth children from my husband.. we had a wonderful experience and I’m more than happy to share our tips and learnings with you..

Congrats on stage 1