Raising my sisters and it is hurting us.

[DaniWho]

As of 2020 my partner (M24) and I (F23) started raising my two sisters (10 and 12 now). They are wonderful girls with hearts of gold but my Mothers abuse has got in too deep. The children do not listen to us and it is cauing my boyfriend in particular to feel unappricated, hopeless and like a spare part. I understand most of you will put this down to them being children (which i would understand) it means that we are constantly stressed. At times these girls can be so rude and hurtful! Currently the main issue we have at the moment is them not listening.

My parter opened up to me. He said he feels worthless, stressed and as though he might as well not be here. I just want to help him, I want him to feel appriciated, loved and supported. I just dont know how to do this.

I asked him how i could help. He told me that I am also guilty of not listening to him and that he feels like a paycheck. He just wants to be listened to. This hurt of course but i understand what he meant. It breaks my heart to know he feels this way. He has stayed with me through this transition and didnt bat an eye when the decision to raise my sisters came up. I love this man with everything i have and i dont know how to show him this.

Being listened to by children isnt as easy as saying "hey listen to me" so i need advice, how can we get the children to show they are listening to him and doing as he says. On my part i will be more attentive, which is hard as i think i have ADHD (gears are in motion to be tested). Restbite is not something we are interested in just need to find a way to support the kids with these emotions.

It breaks my heart to know he is suffering and is really low at the moment. Advice please.

@DaniWho

firstly can I say you are doing an amazing thing you are doing for your sisters.

You sound very overwhemed at the moment.
There will be such a lot going on here and it may help you to try and chunk it down and think about how you might approach different things.
I'm sure this isnt how you imagined spending your 20s and this will have impacted on your own plans for the future, No matter how willingly you have gone into this, it wouldnt be surprising if sometimes you didnt feel a bit of resentment, and certainly grief at what you have lost. Its OK to feel that.
I'm very single so not best qualified to give relationships advice but I wonder if a bit of counselling for you and your partner to unpick some of this may help.
There will be a tremendous amount going on for your sisters. Some of it will be just them being kids. Many children have been very impacted by the pandemic. And on top of that they have had the upheaval of coming to you.

Do they still see your mother? Obviously for them to have been removed from her something has gone badly wrong. You mention abuse. I'm not asking you to give details here, but you say your mothers abuse is deep. I think the girls would benefit hugely from therapy. Do you have a special guardianship order? If you are in England you would be eligible to apply to the Adoption Support Fund.
Do you have a social worker?
Don't dismiss respite if its offered, do you have Short Breaks available to you. A few hours break for you and your partner to spend some time alone would be really helpful to you.
I would imagine that the girls probably find it hard to see you and your partner in the parental role, hence not listening to you. Without more information its difficult to advise, but one of the best pieces of parenting advice I was ever given was pick your battles.
Work out whats really important eg if you were getting into arguments about untidy bedrooms - who does it impact - them because they have to live in it, so don't make an issue of it.
They may also be functioning at a lower emotional age than their actual age. It might help to treat them a bit younger.

I hope in all of that there is something that helps. You are doing a great job. Remember that

I also think you and your partner are amazing for taking care of your sisters. I think Ted27 has given great advice and definitely ask for help from the authorities. They are paid to assist families that need help, that is their purpose. Love to you and your family, you both are truly wonderful people. 💐

So at 21 and 22 you effectively became parents of and 8 and 10 year old children. No wonder you’re struggling, and that’s before you bring trauma into the mix for you (I’m assuming your mum was equally abusive to you) and for the children.

Have you had any support to help you parent these two? I was much older, and had all the adoption prep, and professional training and find it hard going - so no wonder you’re finding it hard going. It’s asking a lot to carry and it’s admirable that you’re doing it though I also realise you may feel there’s little choice.

I’d agree about picking your battles with the kids, they’ve been through a lot especially given you started with them in the midst of a pandemic. I don’t know where you are but if you have vague information we might be able to point you towards some specific supports.

Do you have time just you and your partner, to relax and reconnect? To listen to each other?

Kids can find it hard to listen, and to do what they’re asked and it’s as frustrating as all hell when you’re in it. Can you build even part of a routine, eg in the morning so they know what’s expected and get on with it to some extent? Do you both have headspace to talk to and listen to them - I find my two listen better if they feel heard themselves. Are there areas you can negotiate on?

Look at resources on therapeutic parenting, which might help you think about how to connect with them and also explain the impact of abuse on them. Remember you also have your own history to deal with, which is likely being retriggered by the girls - literally nothing touches old trauma like raising traumatised kids. Therapy can help give you a safe space to process your own stuff and debrief what’s happening with the girls.

Do take time to recognise how unusual your situation is though, in normal circumstances you’d never be trying to raise nearly teen children in your early 20s and I’ve no doubt that’s not how you expected this time in your life, or relationship to be. You’re doing a fantastic job keeping it all together, keep reminding yourself of that on the more difficult days.

Wow, what a kind, generous sister you are. I don't have much to add, but you 'can't pour from an empty cup'- you have to look after yourself too. You know respite is ok? Really wealthy parents send their teens on foreign exchanges, ski trips, PGL holidays- what is this if not respite? I've guessing you don't have the funding for that, and you'll need to push SS, but absolutely get yourself a rest.