Feedback on different ages...

[drcb83]

Hey Team, we are at the early stages of adoption, and looking at our filters for matching. Is a horrible process as you have to say e.g. our worklife/house cannot take a child with complex needs and you feel awful. Anyway, we were thinking about ages. In Suffolk the kids age out at 7 - go into permanent foster care of not matched. That seems horrid and leads me to want to say max age is 6. However I also know that the bonding is supposed to get harder as they get older. Does anyone have any data on this or is it a case by case thing? Any experience gratefully received! Cx

I know there will be people who will produce the data, but my experience is this

My son was a few months shy of 8 when he came home. We bonded pretty much straightaway - day 3 of intros when he smacked his head on a slide. He howled, I thought I'd broken him! But he sat on my lap, let me comfort him and asked to come home with me and not go back to FC. He was just very ready for a mummy.
So the bond was there, proper attachment took a lot longer though but we had enough to work on. We have had our challenges but 10 years on life looks good.
Data has its place, but I'd always advise people to look at the individual child, whatever age they are considering.

We were approved for ages birth to 3 years 11 months. Everyone told us to hold out for a baby but when we were told about our son, we just knew he was meant for us, he was at the upper end of the age scale and to be honest, a 3+ year old was like a baby to us anyway (if you know what I mean). At least he was able to tell us if he was OK, what he liked and didn't like, how he was feeling etc as we were both totally inexperienced as parents. Although, he was able to boss us around, which he still does 18 years later!

My kids were 4 and 6 when placed and 4 years in it’s not been without it’s challenges but both kids have bonded well. The attachment stuff will take a lifetime but they’re both showing signs of secure attachment - it wavers at times as you’d expect but they’re both flourishing.

My older child has definitely had more struggles mostly due to her having had an awful time in foster care, but supports are now in place to address those issues and she’s developing well at her own pace.

I’d say with older kids you really need to work with their developmental age, you’ll need good trauma informed care at school and tonnes of flexibility and resilience. I don’t for a second regret having older kids, they both are fantastic kids and would have withered away in the care system. They absolutely need the security of knowing they are my kids, forever, whatever it takes.

Data gives a very broad brush and can help identify themes, but each child within the data is an individual with individual needs and the data doesn’t tell you how far adopters were able to meet those needs. It’s always worth asking folk who have walked that path.

Ours are 2 and 6 and placed before Christmas. I must admit the 6 year old has been much harder in some ways, the 2 year old has been fairly easy going.

We always knew we wanted 2 siblings and between ages of 2 and 5 but would be ok if one was just under or just older than our age range.

It very much depends on the child too, as well as the age. AD was 11m when she came home. Placid, calm and a joy to be around. Still is age 7!

AS was 12months when he came home. From day one an absolute nightmare Extremely highly strung, very opinionated, not easy going at all. He is only 2 now but I don't think he will chill out as he ages. This is who he is!

We were approved to adopt a sibling group of 2 or more ages 0-4. Our 2 boys were 4 & 6 when they came home. They are now 14 & 16, we have a brilliant attachment.

A PP said that it depends on the children and this is absolutely true, our boys wanted a "safe" family. Life is not without it's issue's one of their birth parents died last year, that has been hard. But our boys are great, they so deserve all the good things in life. If we had not come along SS planned to separate them, long term FC for the older child and adoption for the younger one. Although I appreciate siblings should not always be together, it would have been a disaster to split mine. My advice is go in with a totally open mind.

If you look at the Selwyn report you will find that, amongst various other factors, age at placement is a factor in disruptions. However, the report does not go into why that is the case and you have to look at the individual child.

www.adoptionuk.org/beyond-the-adoption-order-challenges

My kids were 5 and 6 at placement and we bonded very quickly. Both of them have very good attachments to my husband and me (we are 10 years in). Like @Ted27's son, particularly my older daughter was ready for a forever family (my younger one did not understand the concept) and both continue to see adoption as something positive.