Will we be able to cope with adoption?

[Lycheemartini7]

I would love to hear adopters opinions on our situation. DH and I are in the middle of stage 2 currently and they seem confident that we are in a good situation to adopt. However I’m starting to worry…BC is 2.10 and diagnosed ASD, I don’t know what this means for the future but still limited verbal and doesn’t understand a lot of what we’re saying. Also likes to run off when we we are out, limited sense of danger so heavily rely on a pushchair. Our main challenge is parenting an extremely energetic child who often has no understanding of what’s going on and having no way to explain to them.

Saying that, DC is not particularly difficult in lots of ways - sleeps well, doesn’t have meltdowns (yet) no sensory avoidance, very gentle and adaptable.
I have a massive desire for another child and think it would be wonderful for DC to have a sibling, but part of me thinks we already have too much on our plate.
It’s something I keep going back and forth in my head about and I think it’s my desire for another child that keeps us in the process. But is this enough to be able to see it through successfully? Any thoughts would be most welcome.

It does sound like you have a lot on your plate.
Many adopters do cope with more than one child with additional needs. Its not impossible but hard work.
If your child is not quite 3 then you will be looking for a very young child.
Is one of you at home full time at the moment? If not, thats probably the situation you will end up in.
Have you considered pausing things for a while, until your child is a bit older - maybe settled in school, which would give you more time to focus on settling a new child into your family.
Ultimately only you can decide if you can cope, that said, its perfectly normal to have doubts and worries.
Good luck with your decision

Hi @Lycheemartini7 - just an idea but what about babysitting for friends/family for a night or even a weekend. That might help you both experience what it is like to parent two kids at once and see how you cope.

Hello, I have 3 BC and my youngest is also ASD/ADHD, he's 4. (My eldest is also asd but not remotely difficult to parent, he's a dream tbh, he's 16 now)
However my 4 year old is demanding and quite often his behaviours are quite shocking if you've never witnessed an asd child before, but at 2 he'd never been anything but the perfect baby.
I'm desperate to adopt but I won't start the process until he's in full time special school and has transitioned into that, but I do wonder if adopting with him being younger would have been in someway easier as his behaviour was much more relaxed and he wouldn't have been any drama with a younger child being there. (He adored it when my friends or sisters babies stayed over, now he can get a bit more "mum! Look at me!")
The positives are you'll already be therapeutically parenting with an ASD child to some extent, even without realising it, asd gives us tons of patience.
I'm waiting because I want to give my AC as much of my time as possible whilst my BCs are at school, but equally it could be a good way to build up their bond having a smaller gap. ASD children aren't easy to parent and it will be tough, especially with a traumatised AC with any unknown issues that might start to present.
I've tried to to write this to not be pessimistic because I've had tons of people tell me I shouldn't even consider adoption, however they're not me, they don't know my situation or capabilities and you'll have this too, people's opinions will make you second guess your capabilities.
If you're prepared to be truly prepared, every outing planned with precision etc, not being disappointed when things go to shit on the days it does, being in for the long haul being a bit crap, you've got to want to be a parent more than you've got to want a small baby or you need to be really confident in your reasons for wanting to adopt.
I'm sure lots of people will have better advice but I wanted to send support i suppose. Lots of YouTube videos on uk adoption have been really helpful in helping me decided adoption is the path for my family to grow!
Good luck with whatever you choose to do, I'm sure doubting your self at this stage is normal! 💐

Please also consider the affect on Your child of bringing a traumatised child into the home.

@Ted27 @Lwren thanks so much for your replies, both have given me some really good food for thought.
The idea is that I will be home with the AC while BC is at nursery, so I would get plenty of one on one time with AC.
I think my husband and I can do it, but I think we need the discussion of is this the right time and maybe wait a little longer.
@melon301 that’s a brilliant idea and not one i’d thought of, thank you.
@lostoldname I have absolutely thought about my BC. I think the benefits of having a sibling would outweigh the challenges in the long run.

I know you've mentioned thinking the pros of having a sibling outweigh the challenges

But you also need to think about the adopted child in this

I grew up with a sibling with ASD and quite honestly it was awful. My entire childhood was centred around him and his needs

If you adopt a child who doesn't have additional needs, or different ones to that of your BC you can and most likely will have the same issue.

I love my brother but by god would my life and childhood have been better had he not been born. Sounds awful but it's true; something my mother deep down agrees with, his needs took over my life, and still kind of do, when my parents die I'll be the one left to make sure he keeps going.

I think you're being very naive to the issues of having 2 children with ASD in the mix too

grew up with a sibling with ASD and quite honestly it was awful. My entire childhood was centred around him and his needs

I don’t post very often but I can’t read this and say nothing!
I have two children - one neurotypical (9) and the other ASD (8). Essentially non-verbal. Will need care for the rest of his life.
I find statements like yours quite offensive, despite it not being intended this way. If my 9 year old feels the way that you do as an adult that will be my fault. Not the fault of his brother. We are VERY careful to make sure that his brothers needs do not take over. That is our responsibility to do that. To make sure that his childhood is that of his friends, his cousins, those in a “normal” family. I will NEVER wish that the 8 year old had never been born. His is our gorgeous, naughty, weird, funny, amazing son and 100% brings happiness and laughter into our lives.
I just had to add that.

The idea is that I will be home with the AC while BC is at nursery, so I would get plenty of one on one time with AC.

I can understand this from a practicality point of view, however consider how your birth child will feel being in nursery while his mum cares for, in his eyes, another child.

You’ve also says the main challenge is caring for a very energetic child who has difficulty with communication, and you don’t know how autism will impact him as he grows. I’d honestly hold off until you have a clearer idea of the outcomes for your birth child. At the moment you don’t know how he’s communication will develop, whether he’ll cope in mainstream school, how his moods and behaviours will be. The reality is support for SEN is incredibly scarce and hard fought for, it takes me all my time with one child to get the support she needs, adding another with a strong likelihood that they too will have additional needs is something to carefully consider - cos once you’re in it, your in it.

You have a lot of uncertainty at the moment with your child, adopted children bring a lot of uncertainty too, and an adopted child will need a significant amount of your time and energy, with or without additional needs.

Give yourself, your child and any adopted child the best chance by being sure of what you’re already dealing with before adding in more complexity.

@chickenlegsbj

grew up with a sibling with ASD and quite honestly it was awful. My entire childhood was centred around him and his needs

I don’t post very often but I can’t read this and say nothing!
I have two children - one neurotypical (9) and the other ASD (8). Essentially non-verbal. Will need care for the rest of his life.
I find statements like yours quite offensive, despite it not being intended this way. If my 9 year old feels the way that you do as an adult that will be my fault. Not the fault of his brother. We are VERY careful to make sure that his brothers needs do not take over. That is our responsibility to do that. To make sure that his childhood is that of his friends, his cousins, those in a “normal” family. I will NEVER wish that the 8 year old had never been born. His is our gorgeous, naughty, weird, funny, amazing son and 100% brings happiness and laughter into our lives.
I just had to add that.

It’s wonderful that you’ve worked so hard to create a good childhood for both your children, but it’s not “offensive” for someone to have had different experiences in their own childhood and to share that.

@elfandsafetypro I don’t think I’m exactly being naive. This is why I wrote the post to gain knowledge of others experience. I know there will be challenges which is why we are thinking this through thoroughly.
I’m sorry you had that experience with your sibling, but I’m sure you are very aware that every autistic person is different and has different needs. So it isn’t a given that it will be like that for everyone. There are so many people who are much better off for having an autistic person in the family.
I realise it’s important to be aware of the risks for the other sibling where possible, but this can also happen in neurotypical families too. I know a family with a son who suffers from schizophrenia and his brothers life has been turned upside down because of it. It’s not specific to ASD and you can’t always plan for every eventuality. What I’m saying is as long as the parent is aware of the risks and does their upmost best for all siblings involved, that is all they can do.
@Jellycatspyjamas is the first child being at nursery while the Mum takes care of the younger child at home, not the same for most families who haven’t adopted? An adjustment for sure but BC adores nursery, so would be unfair to change that arrangement. You definitely make some great points though so thank you.
@chickenlegsbj I can understand why you were offended, I think this was a poorly worded comment which seemed to insinuate that all siblings of asd will have the same experience, which of course is categorically untrue. Same with neurotypical siblings!