Adoption experiences if you already have a birth child

[SlB09]

Looking for all experiences and general stories of how you've found the process emotionally, practically etc. All the realities. I would adopt 0-3 (our child is 4) my husband has real concerns around hereditary health issues, mental health issues and our ability to cope with that.

Really appreciate the nitty gritty.

Welcome @SlB09

I have an adopted child who is now 11 and a birth child who is now 17. DS came to us at age 3.

I'm happy to answer any questions from my experience.

In terms of the challenges and nitty gritty, I am in he unusual position of my birth child being autistic and my adopted child being NT. My adopted child does well at school and my birth child has a lot of issues.

The main issue for us has been jealousy from our birth child but they were 9 when ds came and, although a big age gap can help, for us it is a big gap.

My adopted child came to live with my family at 10 days old on a foster to adopt basis. My birth child was almost three at the time. Adopted child had neonatal abstinence syndrome which was hard going but got alot of support from neonatal nurses, health visitor, and social workers. Also had the uncertainty around whether a member of the birth family would come forward and we wouldn't be able to adopt. Had to be careful how we introduced AC to our birth child because of the possibility he wouldn't stay. The process was abit of an emotional roller coaster because of the uncertainity. My AC doesn't have any developmental problems and is now at school. The kids have a beautiful relationship. Lots of challenges but absolutely worth it.

How did you find the process emotionally?

We haven't adopted yet, but have been approved 17 months ago, and throughout the process have wrestled with what would be best for our BC, so I'll be watching this thread with interest. Thanks for posting, @SlB09!

One thought from our very limited experience would be to think hard about what and when you share with your BC. I've read a lot of advice about involving existing children all throughout, but you know your child best. As our BC was only 2 yo when we started, we didn't share with them initially, and only started talking about adoption in fairly general terms later. It helps that we have good friends who foster. At some point, we were exploring a potential link with SW, and at that point, we were asked to really ramp up talking about adoption. We knew BC was likely going to get very involved emotionally, but without fully understanding timelines etc, but did as asked. We read a lot of books and started talking about it in quite concrete terms - not about the child in question, but about our family adopting. As expected, BC got very involved emotionally. Unfortunately, the link fell through. Navigating this with our BC has been hard and their disappointment cuts deep. We're still hoping for a future match, but know that we'll think extremely carefully about when to involve BC, even if it means upsetting SWs and going against perceived wisdom.

@Maggie178, I'm very impressed by you managing to go through this uncertainty as a family. Fostering a young baby in the hope to contribute to a good outcome for them, whether returning to birth parents or us adopting them, had been our initial hope, but I'm not sure our BC would have coped (they would now, being a bit older, but we're now with a LA who doesn't do these placements). So happy it worked for you!

@Italiangreyhound, interesting what you're saying about the age gap! It seems there's no right or wrong...(?)

We’re looking to adopt too. We have two birth children, nearly 2 and 4, and would love to adopt a third. We went though a lot to have our boys and looked at adoption when birth children didn’t look possible. The knowledge that there are kids out there without a home has stayed with us and we’d love to go through the process.
I’m just trying to work out if it’s fair to do it - ie are we taking a child out of the system that a family who hasn’t been able to have a birth child or a sibling would otherwise adopt, or is it always a good thing to offer a home to a child who doesn’t have one. I’m also trying to navigate the timings with our two boys.
Am watching this thread with interest as we don’t know anyone who has fostered or adopted, so thank you for posting.
Also if anyone has any advice re type of adoption agency to work with - ie local or private, I’d be very grateful.

(Argh, I meant "received wisdom", of course! 🤦‍♀️)

We adopted with a birth child. I am happy to share our experiences if you want to private message me.

There isn’t a right time or right age gap or right child. There is the right preparation or the right child for us. adoption is a leap of faith which can be very scary. So many unknowns.

We adopted 7 years ago with a birth child. There is a year between them. They are now nearly 9 and 10. Happy to help in any way possible!

@chickenlegsbj that's interesting to hear. We are also really thinking of adopting and already have children and I had it in my head that there needed to be a 2/3 year age gap between a birth child and an adopted child. I thought I'd read that but Is that not the case?

I think that’s generally preferred. He was hard to place going by his paper profile. Very hard to place. So they weren’t as picky. The irony really, that the kids that they think are most likely to be the most difficult are the ones that allow them to break the “rules” so to speak. Big age gaps, small age gaps, ethnicities that match, ethnicities that don’t, parents with experience, parents without, bedroom each, shared bedroom … they are all things that social workers seem to be of utmost importance. And yet sometimes it just works. And sometimes, sadly, it doesn’t. I am very cynical about what they consider important in case you hadn’t realised! Maybe we were lucky. Who knows. But we are happy and that’s what I think matters.

@chickenlegsbj glad to hear that 😊

Re age gap between siblings, might it also be that agencies have different ways of making sure their 'rules' are adhered to (or kept flexible)? Our AA will only seek approval for a minimum 2-year age gap at panel, so even if we wanted to adopt a child closer in age (we don't), we couldn't. In addition, if they feel a specific child needs a larger age gap, they'll simply not approach us about them - bit like some children on Linkmaker where a minimum age gap is indicated. (Though I appreciate SWs might not stick to it for their own reasons!)

@chickenlegsbj, great to hear that you're happy! First and foremost for your family, of course, but also reassuring for those of us who only hear doom and gloom about adopting with BC.

We have adopted 8, (long story sadly we have had to deal with death) we have 3 homegrown . All our adopted children have had special needs, it has been hard work but definitely worth it. Every day they they have us falling about laughing we are very proud parents, not bragging

We have a birth child and we adopted when they became an adult so both have been/ are being brought up as only children.

The adoption process was hideous. Full of lying ,narcissistic social workers. Nightmare actually.

Interesting re age gap, hadn't even considered this as something that would be taken into account!!!
My main concerns are emotional really, my main concern isn't BC in a way, I feel like he'd be adaptable in that sense, it's more our emotions, feeling like a 'parent' to the adopted child, feeling potentially like you want to send them back - I'm sure this is what all the prep goes through though.

Also how long does the average adoption process take?

In terms of the love you feel there's no difference.
But I didn't think enough how difficult life would be if adopted dc needed 24/7 care. I would make a different decision if I could go back in time