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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Contacting birth mum after 10 years

12 replies

Animallover2325 · 27/12/2021 22:35

I spoke to social work regards ds now 16 still after all this time having intentions to see his mum. We’re fine with this. However sw have said it’s fine with them and we can go ahead and arrange it all ourselves? What do we do? What do we say? Where do we go? No help or advice of any description!
Can anyone give me some please as we don’t want to go charging in arranging a meeting with him until we find out how things really are with her.

OP posts:
vjg13 · 28/12/2021 08:10

I'm an adoptee and it's wonderful that you are supporting your son with this and wish to facilitate it. I am very shocked that a SW has just told you to go ahead, in my experience the initial approach would be better by a specialised intermediary who can look after the interests of all involved.

Original poster
Animallover2325 · 28/12/2021 10:30

Hi yes that’s what I expected. I can’t believe we’ve just been left to get on with it

OP posts:
Sabz36 · 28/12/2021 11:28

The social worker or better yet post adoption support team should have contact details (if letterbox contact has been ongoing) and they can get permission to share. Back in the day (2011 things change so rapidly) they could only give it out at 18 and we would be very clear with the birth family that they should keep us updated with contact details.

Original poster
Animallover2325 · 28/12/2021 11:29

The social worker asked me if I have mums number. I said we’ve never been allowed to know where eachother was

OP posts:
ifchocolatewerrcelery · 28/12/2021 11:58

I would contact adoption U.K. and/or PAC-U.K. for extra support. Everyone involved, including you, needs someone to talk it through with in terms of both emotional support and establishing what he wants from contact. I don't currently have any evidence to hand to back it up, but from what I've read, those that go into reunion with birth parents without appropriate support are more likely to have it go wrong in the long term.

Ted27 · 28/12/2021 18:09

oh this does make me so cross.

We were in the same position a few years ago when we finished life story work.
He had very clearly articulated reasons why he wanted to see birth mum. SWs refused to help because we had a good adoption and he was in no danger of running off to find her on his own. At the time I didnt feel strong enough to go it alone.

I'm astounded that the SW thought you would have her phone number, or that phoning her out of the blue would be a good idea.

My son doesnt want to contact his birth mum at the moment. If he changes his mind I feel I would be able to support him.
Its her I would be worried about, who would manage her expectations about what their future relationship would look like.

I'd agree with trying to get some support in.

One thing I am clear on though is that the first meeting is me and her, absolutely him him.

Ted27 · 28/12/2021 20:09

Of course that should read absolutely not him !

greented · 29/12/2021 15:36

@Sabz36

The social worker or better yet post adoption support team should have contact details (if letterbox contact has been ongoing) and they can get permission to share. Back in the day (2011 things change so rapidly) they could only give it out at 18 and we would be very clear with the birth family that they should keep us updated with contact details.
Get permission from the birth mother do you mean? So whatever the court order says, both sides can get contact details at any time, if permitted by the other?

Why has so much changed since 2011 do you know?

@Sabz36

Sabz36 · 29/12/2021 18:03

@greented by permission I mean they usually ask/inform the birth parents at the time they are creating the child permanency report that the child will be able to have to their file at 18 and will see the address and may contact them.

In my day only the child (at 18) can request contact with the birth parents not the other way around.

Things have changed so rapidly since I left adoption.

Original poster
Animallover2325 · 29/12/2021 19:53

Well he came here in 2013 and we were told he could access his records at 16 but mum had the authority to ask us not to tell him his entire story! We’ve always felt we were not being honest with him and don’t want him thinking this about us as we’ve always been as honest about his life as we’re able to. Things relating to her being in hospital due to mental health and drinking problems. He knew she drinks but not the mental health part. We don’t even know exactly what but she did end up on hospital through it which was in his later life letter. We do know ourselves where it stemmed from though and we know about his birth but he doesn’t. We really do need sport although his counsellor has been brilliant in talking to him about it. She seems to think he’s not got great expectations of meeting her. Who knows?

OP posts:
lots33 · 30/12/2021 01:09

I think the LA should provide more support.
We had these scenarios in my adoption team. I supported and Liaised with Bm and over children to prepare and support. Meanwhile, Co worker did the same with the adopted young persons, the adopters and other children in the household.

Then we facilitated the reunion with mum and daughter and my colleague and i, with long term support.

Hope358 · 10/01/2022 23:56

If the adoption is postc2005 then there is a legal duty for the LA to offer everyone counselling and to assess the risks.
Does the birth mother want contact?

I'm astounded they are saying just go ahead.

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