Contact after adoption

[ladyjane101]

Hello Everyone,

Please can some one help me with my issue. I have two adopted children who have been with me for six years (I adopted them in the last two years). I write to birth parent once a year via letter box but sadly have not yet received a response. However they have an older birth sibling who is still in care due to their needs. I was asked by LA to try and promote face to face contact six times a year, but my children 8 and 9 do not want this due to being reminded of the past and that the sibling had sexually harmful behaviour towards them.

I am know finding that siblings SW is contacting my old SW and post adoption team pestering about contact. My children are clear on what they want and this has been relayed to siblings careers many time.

My question is can they force this contact when it was not part of the court order and was just an informal agreement?

I dont think they can force it if it is not in the order.

They might want to pursue it and go through court.

If you have a post adoption SW contact them. If not contact your local authority adoption services and they will be able to advise you better.

Thanks Rose Martha. I was wondering if this was something that maybe on the cards. I just feel that my children's thoughts, feelings and bests interests are not being acknowledge.

You have said that your dc do not want contact, have you have a proper discussion with the relevant SW to talk about your dc's memories? It sounds as though they don't really understand what you are saying, or why.

Why are the SWs pushing for this? Did they have contact while in foster care?

Do your dc understand that their sibling acted as they did because they themselves were being abused (children who do this are victims of abuse which they then act out)? You could organise some professional lifestory work, and get some recommendations from the person doing it to pass on to the SWs to aid communication?

I think there is something called a cease and desist letter in cases of harassment.
Worth getting some legal advice.
I think I would be inclined to write to the siblings SW, copied to the legal team, the post adoption team and their legal if it's a different LA, stating that you have made it clear that your children do not want contact and that you regard it as not in their best interests and a safeguarding issue due to their behaviour towards your children.
Be clear that this is your final decision and you will regard any further communication on the matter as harassment and you will take legal advice.
Good luck, it's very unfair to do this to your children

It pisses me off so much that relatives feelings are put above the best interests and wants of children in care/adopted. It's so wrong. When they're 18 they can make their own decision

It isn't that relatives feelings are put above the best interests and wants of children ginislife, leaving everything until 18 is far from ideal, contact during childhood can be beneficial, even if that might not be the case here.

It is a judgement call as to what is in the child's best interest, and in relation to what children want it is important to make sure children fully understand and to not give them responsibility for decisions which they are not mature enough to make. For children under ten certainly it is standard for adults to making these decisions in relation to family contact.

I think better communication is required here rather than harassment claims, but a solicitor might be a good idea, as they might be able to help with communication.

They can’t force you, and I very much doubt they could change the adoption order at this point. I think 8 and 9 is old enough to express a clear view about contact and while I don’t think responsibility can rest with them for the decision I’d be very reluctant to go against their expressed wishes on this. I’d maybe explore other contact options with SW to keep the door open. Face to face 6 times a year is a lot of contact tbh and wouldn’t be usual where I am. At most I’d agree to twice yearly which might be more manageable - and for that to be facilitated and supervised by social work (honestly they’ll back off 6 times a year if they think they’d need to resource it).

Any court would need to evidence good reason for going against your childs’ stated wishes, so try not to worry. Keep communication with them in writing though so there’s a paper trail.

Siblings Contact is supposed to be in the best interests of the children, especially in ensuring that they are kept safe both physically and emotionally. The SW's on my Assessment training rammed that home to us.

The SW's should be ashamed of themselves. Your children have made their feelings clear and they need to be respected by the Professionals @Ted27 has some great advice.

Thank you so much everyone. After reading these post I feel so much better.

I have just emailed post adoption and expressed that I have done work with the children on there thoughts and feelings (the contact car poster if you have ever come across it) and explained that I must as a mother put their best interests first and have offered for the time being to pen a letter to sibling.

That sounds good OP. 🤗

@ladyjane101

thats a very measured, calm and very reasonable response
I hope they listen to you.
My response is more the nuclear option ! but don't rule out taking legal advice and telling them, if they don't.

@ted27
Thanks so much for your advice. If my way fails then nuclear I will go

@ladyjane101 What is the 'contact car poster' please?

@Jacketpandbeans it's a poster that asks the children their like, dislikes and wishes in regards to contact. If you google it their are many examples x it works a treat x

Glad you have resolved things, OP.

Could you link an example of the contact car poster? I can't find it! If the children decide they want more contact with birth family when this has been decided against, what happens then?

ladyjane101 I am so sorry, that sounds so hard. Well done for finding a way forward that will work best. You are doing the right thing, looking out for your kids. Well done.