Fed up already

[hiptobeasquare]

It's the start of the festive season. My eldest (adopted nearly 6) is under the weather so we have stayed in, he wasn't himself at all. He's has been really disregulated. I've managed it all day, but I literally cannot leave him and his sister (birth child nearly 4) alone for a minute. I sprinted up to the toilet and they had a disagreement and he hit her. She was fine. I did the usual, regulates him back down the. spoke about what happened, gentle hands, it's okay to be upset, not okay to hit each other. I just feel like screaming into the void to be honest, it's exhausting. Thinking about how to phrase something so he will get it. Sticking to short sentences, clear instructions, pictures for transitions etc. I am just FED UP. He's great and I love him so much, but I am letting him down by losing my temper when I really try not to. He pushes all my buttons and normally I do well, but this weekend I have been a shouty mam.

It sounds as though you are a bit disregulated too! Children do behave worse when they are ill or about to get ill. Do you know what he has got?

It might not be the best time to be talking if he is really poorly, he won't "get" it when he is ill or if he is out of his window of tolerance. It is usually best to help the child get back into their window of tolerance and talk once they are relaxed and happy. Is there something he is upset about, or do you think it is more to do with feeling ill? Or both?

Because he is poorly, might it be a good idea to tuck him up with a film or series? A nice gentle feel-good film might also help you relax if you watch it with him?

An ill child is really stressful for the parent

If not a film, can you think of an easy game you can play which he will cope with (as he is ill) and your younger one will be able to play, and which will make you all laugh?

Hot chocolate and mince pies? Doing something together in the kitchen, purportedly making a cake but really just making a mess?
I hope that he feels better tomorrow so that you can get out and see some lights together, or something.

It isn't ideal that he is still hitting at six at small provocation, and there are things you could do about it, but I think wait until he is better and after Christmas to revisit that, I think.

Thank you for the reply.

I was just wanting to scream into the void.

I am a bit disregulated today, my life is hard and it takes a lot of emotional resilience.

Yes, the hitting isn't ideal. He has complex needs which take a lot of work.

The main source of his deregulation is the fact school has finished. Holidays are always a struggle, even with prep.

I really just wanted a handhold as I felt like I was letting them both down today.

Please don't feel you are letting them down. The fact that you care is the most important thing, don't forget that.

Disregulated going into hols might mean that he would benefit from talking about things relating to school. Going out for walks to see Christmas things can be good at shifting transition into holidays. And also walks in quieter places so that you can ask him about the about the last few days at school and about how he feels about the coming days.

But it sounds as though he is too ill to go out? Which makes it much harder.

@hiptobeasquare You Are Not Alone. I and I bet many many many other Adopters have had a similar day to you.

None of us can be therapuetic all the time and it's so exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally.

And that's before the added anxieties in school hols esp xmas.

I find the best thing is to get as much sleep as possible. And the housework really is at the bottom of my priorities. What is a clean and tidy house... not mine ! I have to prioritize keeping my son (and me) as regulated as possible.

Repair the relationship between you which I know you will have done and take tomorrow as a new day.

My son (6) has complex needs, is very hitty/lucky etc and it is extremely hard. I feel and share your thoughts.

You are an AMAZING MUM. Your posts show how attuned you are and how much you love him.

I think divide and conquer often work in this kind of situation - for my two that means them both in different rooms where I can see them both, luckily we have a play room and a sitting room with a dining room in the middle. My oldest can’t really be left alone for too long but my youngest will do Lego for hours left to his own devices. If they’re apart they can’t fight.

In terms of dysregulation, I know mine (both adopted, both siblings) find this time of year very hard for a variety of reasons and school is part of the problem because of all the Christmas activity. I tend to keep holiday days very low key. We get out of the house in the morning, some kind of Christmas activity in the afternoon (colouring or baking) and some tv/screen time while I get a cup of tea.

It’s hard and you’re going to loose it at some point. Just remember you’re all human, you and the kids, so tempers are going to get frayed from time to time. Take a breath, calm yourself and get back in the game. Early bath time/bed time helps if you’re able to get them settled because you can catch your breath in the evenings.

You could also use social stories with your son using photographs to show positive relationships and gentle hands (and what happens when he hits etc), if you google there are loads of templates and it can be a good joint activity taking the photos etc.

It’s hard though, my two don’t finish til Wednesday which is a blessing and a curse all at the same time.

@Chocapple
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that.

We had a lovely nurturing bedtime routine.

Cuddles with a story, sports cap water bottle, a cuddle as he was falling asleep and he said I love you.

Bedtime is usually smooth as the routine is so strict. He knows what's happening it's all good.

I agree about sleep, but sometimes I just really want to stay up and do nice things like knitting and reading!

I really appreciate the time you've taken to reply.

@Jellycatspyjamas

Thank you for replying.

Yes, divide and conquer usually works well here, but he gets an over dramatic reaction out of my youngest which he doesn't get from me and impulse control control is not his strong point.
I think because he wasn't feeling well any attempt at positive decisions went out the window.

Again, normally we follow a set routine, go out in the morning, low key in the afternoon. Him not being well has just fucked it up this weekend. And I haven't been able to keep my cool as well as I would normally.

Tomorrow is another day.

Also, the social stories idea sounds great. I will give that a try.

Him not being well has just fucked it up this weekend. And I haven't been able to keep my cool as well as I would normally.

I hear you, I had my 10 year old DD home sick on Tuesday, she was literally glued to me all day - by bed time I was knackered, all touched out, feeling sick myself and totally lost the plot over nothing really. It happens, forgive yourself, hug your child and move on. If nothing else it shows we all have our moments, which might help your little one not feel so shameful when they too lose it. When I went back to talk to my DD I said something like “so, there are a couple of things that might have made that go better - the first being mummy not losing her temper”, to which she replied “Uhmmm, yes but sometimes we just have a bad day”, which is exactly what I say to her when she looses it. Remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

I’m just here offering moral support and hand holds. I’m running on empty here myself.

tis the season etc.

Tomorrow is a new day… (in our case a new day where both DH and I need to wfh and so kids will be relatively unsupervised… what could possibly go wrong…?)