‘You’re not my real parents’.

[Rainallnight]

Had this from DD (5) the other day. I was prepared for it but thought we had another five or six years before we faced it. It does hurt though I know it shouldn’t.

I know it's hard to hear but try to think of this as a good thing. It shows your child is secure enough to express how they are feeling/what they are thinking to you. Now you know this is in their head or this thought has occurred to them (maybe someone has said that to them?) you can work together to work through their feelings in an age appropriate way.
They trust you enough to know no matter what they say or express you will be there for them.
I'm sorry I know it hurts but try to think of it as a positive.

My dd1 was 14 before she felt safe enough to yell that she hated me. My subsequent tears of relief freaked us both out!

An emotional scene from a sitcom 8 simple rules which beautifully explains why even though you might think it his words are a GOOD thing. Don't think too much on it. I'm sure he knows you love him and he loves you too xx

Did you figure out what was behind it? Is he confused about adoption? Did he want to hurt you? Did he pick it up from someone else or a book?

When my daughter tried to get to me, I used to respond "I am sorry you feel like that. That can't feel good." I stayed calm and neutral and made it clear that I have no doubts about who I am. At the same time we have had many conversations about adoption, other people's lack of understanding/knowledge and of what it means to be real. My kids have two families: their birth family and us. We are both real and important and they are not unusual in that.

We have had some funny conversations with other kids who thought their family was totally "normal" and everyone was "real", when in fact their uncles are their stepuncles and they have grandparents who they are not blood-related to. Very few people these days have entirely "traditional" families.

Don't let it get to you. You are his mum.

I also had this at about the same age. It came out of nowhere and I'm not ashamed to say I went in another room for a mini weep later on. But my response to DD was to reassure her that we loved her, that she had a birth mum too and was talked through how she was feeling.

As she has got older and said it a couple of times, my response has been to say "pinch me. I think you'll find I'm real" and we actually have a laugh about it. But we have a secure relationship and her vocalising it has been a way of saying she's not feeling okay.

I think that it depends on how this is said, why it is said, when it is said. It might be along the lines of "you are an idiot" or it might be communicating feelings or needs which need attention.

Five year olds can say things which seem brutal to our ears, because they don't have the same filter! It is normal to be hurt.

I think validating the real feeling behind it is important, I am not sure making it about semantics is a good idea, who is "real" etc, but it depends on how it is said and the relationship like a pp says.

I had better clarify - I meant "you are an idiot" as in along the lines of the video a pp posted upthread, which basically said a child feeling they can be honest is a good thing, I wasn't calling anyone an idiot!

My 14 year old DD has started saying this a lot, Usually in a jokey way but with a hint of the "I'm trying to shock you" that most teens do at times.
She said it at Christmas dinner where both sets of grandparents were present and they weren't impressed at all.
We don't make a big thing of it and I actually don't find it upsetting. If she wasn't saying that it would be something else. One thing I do know about teens is that you can't take what they say personally.

I don't think saying stuff like "I feel real" or the like is going to solve the problem. No one doubts anyone's existence.

However, I do think you need to talk to your child what "real" refers to in the context of adoption. We have had many people (adults and children) make comments and ask questions in which the word featured, so even if your child had not brought it up, most likely you/they will be confronted with it at some point. In fact, it might be where he got it from. It is so common, there are even books with the word in the title ("You are not my real mother", "Real parents, real children", etc.).

I think of it as the adopted child's version of "I didn't ask to be born", which I definitely said to my parents.

DS went through a phase when life was tough of saying that he wished he'd gone to some other family because it would be 'better'. He couldn't say why it would be better, just that it would be different and he wouldn't be in whatever trouble he was currently in. I used to say that I couldn't bear to think of him with some other family because he was ours and I couldn't imagine life without him. He is still quite troubled but is improving at recognising that his own actions get him into trouble rather than blaming it all on his history.

@Rainallnight

Had this from DD (5) the other day. I was prepared for it but thought we had another five or six years before we faced it. It does hurt though I know it shouldn’t.

I remember saying exactly the same to my mother when I was a child, I may have said it to both parents. My mum's reaction was to tell me I was a wicked, ungrateful girl and if she hadn't had me, I would have been put in a home.

AD8 addressed me the other day as his 'fake mum'. It wasn't said maliciously, probably more testing the waters than anything else. It was a good chance to do some exposition about how the role of parent/caregiver encompasses a lot more than giving birth and is an ongoing commitment to meeting a child's needs.