Can I do this?

[inthefrontroe]

I'm just about to start Stage 2.
Stage 1 went fine, nothing major to overcome/work on.

I'm starting to get a bit anxious about the prospect of parenting a child who has had a terrible start in life, and that maybe even if I try my best to give them a loving stable home (which I can as it stands) they will be incredibly hard to parent and I could get destroyed in the process and still they could have an unhappy and unsuccessful life.

All these stories in the news about children being tortured and murdered in their own families will the knowledge of SS makes me wonder how badly abused the children available for adoption have been and reading up about attachment and formative years makes me wonder how the fuck can I turn that around?

I have a lovely home, career and life - am I going to destroy that in pursuit of the dream of having a child?
I am single and in my late 40s - so doing this alone, which I've done my whole life as my parents died fairly young. I have siblings, but they don't live near me and to be honest if I adopt a 'difficult' child that is unpleasant to be around then I suspect I'll be not supported much as they would think I was stupid to embark upon adoption if it all goes tits up.

I am adopting through my local LA - there's a professional relationship between myself and the social worker, but no real connection. They talk the talk about post adoptive support, but I know is BS (I am a member of AdoptionUK and have a friend who has adopted).

Am I just having a reasonable wobble?
Or is it just hitting home how reckless I am being?

Possibly a bit of both. You’d be incredibly naive not to give good consideration to what you’re signing up for. The reality is the bar for being removed from parents is incredibly high and yes, children are harmed before they reach you.

However, in many cases children can recover - it takes commitment, knowledge and flexibility but it’s wholly possible. In terms of support the chances are you’ll build your own network of support which may or may not include your immediate family, you’ll find support in places you don’t even know about.

If you go into adoption thinking you’ll end up with a model child, you’ll be disappointed but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case for you. Being realistic about the kind of challenges you can cope with, not having your heart strings pulled too much, and digging underneath a child’s profile can all help in terms of matching the right child to you - and folk here can help you unpick that.

My two have had their challenges, and there are challenges still to come but they have made so much progress. It’s worth every piece of anxiety, every exhausted tear and exasperated conversation with clueless professionals to see them flourish. And they are both flourishing.

It’s a hard road, but worthwhile.

I genuinely don't think I could do it for all the reasons you have listed above. I often think that I could give a child a wonderful home, but the impact of a child who is incredibly disturbed in the rest of the family would just be too much. It's a really hard decision and I genuinely applaud people who take the responsibility on. I can though also understand why people go down other routes ie adopt babies abroad or surrogacy with the potential issues that surround adopting an older child

Hello !

My AS (6) is a very different child to what was in the Matching paperwork.

I now have a child who displays lots of child to parent violence, huge Sensory issues and enormous issues in school. And huge trauma from birth family life. The SW's hadn't been fully aware of things in birth family and also some things only came to light when my son finally felt Safe enough to show/tell things himself.

Myself and my house have been battered. I have had to drastically reduce my hours and may end up leaving my job. Our lives are very limited in terms of going out to places and meeting people. And absolutely my Support Network is very different to pre- Adoption ! I have made lots of new friends - with people who 'get it'.

BUT... my little boy is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He has made me complete despite the huge huge challenges.

We are making so much progress... very small steps but he finally feels safe. Our lives are already so much calmer and happier than a year ago. My son tells me every day how happy he is that I am his mummy and how I am helping him.

The thing about Adoption is that it really is a lottery. With all the best will in the world re Matching you are in many ways going into things not knowing what will happen. I knew from the Matching Process that my son and I were a brilliant Match personality wise and that's been such a big part of our success in dealing with the challenges.

Adoption really does completely change your life. And Post Adoption Support from SW's is BS... especially re child to parent violence.

I don't know what further challenges lie ahead in the years to come but my son is my world and I will do everything I can.

But there is so much help out there from this forum, the Adoption Community, AUK and NAOTP etc.

There are many stories like mine but there are also many stories of families who have a much smoother adoption experience. Adopter's need to be willing to take a huge leap into the unknown.

Finally, I have found that the school an adopted child goes to goes will really impact things. He's at a great school who are really understanding and therapuetic. And they have been accessing lots of external interventions for him. This has really helped our home life to improve.

We're only a few years in so early days yet, but one of the reasons I chose my VA was the post-adoption support they offer (I know legally the LA is supposed to provide but I anticipated funding issues). We're currently accessing that support for an early intervention and it's been a huge relief to just have the support available without having to fight for it. I'm sure more intensive support will be less accessible as they'll have to access government funding, but I know my agency is on my side so I'm not doing it alone.

This is all to say that if you don't feel any sort of connection with your SW, who will be rifling through your darkest days over the next few months, it might be worth considering looking at VA. You may never need the later support, but knowing it's there, and there's someone standing with you, could be the reassurance you need.

There are no VAs in my area accepting applicants who a looking for a solo child with no serious health complications.

Are there any adoption charity's who will help me with post adoption support if I have adopted via my local VA?

It depends on where you are and what agreements are in place with the local authority tbh. Some charities are contracted to provide support with particular issues and pieces of work and referrals can be made quite quickly. Going with a VA probably isn’t the best move for a solo child with no significant issues because the local authority will tend to save those places for kids with more complex need (because it’s expensive to place with VAs, hence the greater levels of post adoption support - their kids tend to have more complex needs).

Well you would be no more reckless than anyone else who has adopted!

I'm single and adopted my son when I was 46 and he was 8. He is 17 now. We have had our challenges on the way but he is doing well.
I think you have to find the balance, Yes there are some extremely demanding children out there, but most of us have a fairly up and down time. There is much to take joy from, its not 27/7 365 days a year doom and gloom.
Its really about what's important to you - do you want a lovely pristine house and a great career - but with no child in your life, who or what are you doing it for ? Does that make you happy?
If you had a less pristine house, less career focus but you are building a life with a child - would that make you happier?
My house is a mess - but that's as much to do with the cat and me working from home as much as it having a child. But its a happy home for the family that we have built together - I'd rather that than a perfect house.
Nerves and wobbles are absolutely normal - it just shows you are thinking about it properly and are becoming aware of the potential issues.

TBF most of the big life changes we make feel pretty reckless at the time. But a living, breathing tiny human - it’s thoroughly terrifying! For the first year I was convinced I was so bad at being a mum that I was doing my two more harm than good. Me and my husband spent many late evenings (before and after placement) chewing over what we’d done, had we done the right thing? Were we being the best parents we could be? Were we putting into practice therapeutic parenting and all that we’d learnt? Three and a half years in and I don’t regret any of it.

Mostly, we feel like a ‘normal’ family, I forget sometimes about parenting them a little differently and revert to instinct. My two manifest their trauma very subtly, my youngest can be heartbreakingly independent (until she trusts), my eldest anxious and quietly sabotages (with words) when nice things happen or have to end. This time of year we try to play things down key, but they still get caught up in the season and they are currently high as kites and I can feel their anxiety creeping up. We’ve had some deaths this year, in the birth family and in our family…our kids are, so far still standing. They have loads of hurdles and bumps in the road ahead, lots to process and unpick, but all that aside, they are genuinely absolutely great kids.

Remember that nobody expects you to be a perfect parent, we all get stuff wrong. You also can’t change the children’s past and what’s gone before, you just need to be aware of it and work with it. My two were classed as ‘hard to place’, we went through a VA. In reality they were hard to place because they were sibs, but actually the behaviour displayed in foster care was that of two very scared and confused little kids and not necessarily ‘challenging’ as it was described. I think you can go to a VA out of area (or at least you could when we adopted).

School have been my biggest sounding board - they are brilliant and notice slight changes in behaviour before I sometimes do and devise strategies to help the kids.

Thanks everyone.

Sorry to clarify I'm going with my local LA because no VAs in my area are accepting applications for people wishing to adopt a solo child, so I have no choice but the LA.

I don't care about having a pristine home (I'm a creative and I've always got messy projects on the go, plus I've a dog and cat!) and nor do I have an intense career - so I'm not bothered about that.

I am concerned about not being able to work as I will need a 'break'/change of scene and I'm concerned about being isolated if the child can't integrate well into school etc.
It's a lot of responsibility and forums are always full of doom and gloom - and so is the emphasis from the LA in the training/reading etc

inthefrontroe- i really appreciate you posting. I am in exactly the same situation with you. we are in stage one and i am
terrified of adopting a child who will 'destroy my life'. by that i mean I think being 'forced ' to give up my work as I get so much personal validation from it -and as
the significantly bigger earner in the marriage i am terrified of not having money to support a child that with this government may need me to have financial resources for therapy etc etc.
at the same time, i really have very realistic expectations of an adopted child -
i am a very high achiever from a state school background but i don't care that a child is anything other than happy and able to support her/himself at a job they are valued at and like. I don't expect the child to love me
like they would their birth mother, and am not worried about that as long as they let me look after and love them. i don't care about
material things or what other people think etc etc.

But the terrible conundrum that the older a child is , the more they are likely to have attachment problems and the data says more likely to have a failed adoption -but the younger they are, the more likely things like FAS and big scary things cannot be assessed I find so so hard to deal with.
i think it is a choice between the devil
and the deep
blue
sea. i am worried that i face a choice between ruining my life
by not having the courage to make the leap to adopt - or ruining my life by making the leap and adopting a child that is too damaged to parent.
i appreciate all the kind constructive comments
from everyone on here so thanks very much

'forums are always full of doom and gloom - and so is the emphasis from the LA in the training/reading etc'

• as you say - very true - the first thing i asked our social worker was 'Is adoption actually a good thing ? Are there any happy and successful adopters?' apart from

the insights some of you share so kindly on these posts I feel like there is no joy about adoption - the only time i see it is (naively) in american and foreign adoptions of babies. and in the UK where the bar to take children away from abuse and neglect seems so so high, children seem to be going into adoptive families too late and the damage is questionably manageable for the average forever family.

I am concerned about not being able to work as I will need a 'break'/change of scene and I'm concerned about being isolated if the child can't integrate well into school etc.

It’s pretty rare that a child can’t tolerate school at all. You may need to choose the school carefully and explore their understanding of the impact of early trauma but there is a duty for the local authority to provide a suitable education placement (albeit if there are significant needs that can be tricky). I’ve found having a good, open relationship with the school is invaluable.

With regard to work, the thing that’s helped me is having a variety of options, eg full time work, part time, self employment. At the moment I have a part time job and am part time self employed who h gives me the flexibility I need to meet my kids needs. If you adopt an older child their needs are generally better known so you have some sense of what home/school/work might look like. My two were 4 and 6 and my younger child has adapted very well, my older child needs more support but is coping well in full time school and after school care. Yes my older child has attachment issues but as time passes her attachments become more secure - there’s a lot you can do to foster attachment and many older children manage well with adoption.

Remember that people usually post in forums like this when times are hard, you don’t hear from folk who are just getting on with being a family - it’s honestly not all doom and gloom. Research data can show trends and look at interventions but it doesn’t tell you about “this” child in “this” situation.

children seem to be going into adoptive families too late and the damage is questionably manageable for the average forever family.

That may be the case in some circumstances but not all, or even most. Many many children go on to flourish in adoption in the U.K., and out of the adoptive families I know personally just 1 has a lot of struggle, but are doing ok day to day (out of a sample of 20+). That’s not to say there aren’t challenges but mostly they’re all just living their lives.

thank you so much both /all
very helpful to get a real-life perspective as the boos and training can be very overwhelming with no context of reality. really appreciate it

@inthefrontroe @redbluegreenwhite

I think you have to see the long game in adoption. My son has been home nearly 10 years and at 17 is a young adult.

In those 10 years we have had plenty of challenges and some very difficult times. We had very intensive therapy for 2 years.
He has pushed me to my limits.

He has also brought me much joy and pride.
In those 10 years I have seen him go from strength to strength, gain in confidence and self esteem. He has gone from special to mainstream education. Never had a day off school, impeccably behaved. He has loads of friends, interests, we have travelled abroad and all over the UK.
I could sing his praises for ever - but the point is, most of our day to day lives is quite ordinary and unremarkable. Yes we have things to think about that others don't, but it doesn't dominate our lives.

Its about getting a balanced view, yes it will probably be the toughest thing you ever do, It may well also be the best thing you ever do

Hi @Ted27 - yes that's what my first post was about - the long term.

I know any parenting is tough, especially for solo parents, I would think anyone on this board knows that.

By posing the questions I was looking for reassurance that long term I wouldn't have made a complete sacrifice of my perfectly nice life to try and create a happy family and raise a child to a successful adulthood, when maybe the reality is, the state benefits from getting these children 'off their books' and council tax payers do too but the adopter and the adoptee don't.

I know nothing is guaranteed, but I've found this thread and the replies really useful. I will have doubts and concerns, but I know I am strong and resourceful, which is why I'm stepping forward to attempt this difficult journey.

It's incredible to know there are those who have survived (or are currently surviving the journey) as I'm hoping to raise a child who will thrive. It's important to hear success stories and to have role models. I don't need things to be sugar-coated, but I do want inspiration and hope. I'm not interested in insta bs (especially US insta bs as they have a completely different system) and it is very hard to find positive stories out there, I understand why, families are just living there lives, but as I said, a little hope goes a long way to building my confidence that I'm not being duped into believing the impossible.

I’m a single adopter. My son is 3.5 and has been home for about 18 months. It’s very early days for us and he (and I) sees a specialist for attachment & trauma issues (although it’s early days for that too as he’s so young). My son is probably better behaved than most children his age, partly because of how I parent him and partly because he so desperately wants to please me. He feels safe with me to an extent (and definitely feels safe enough to share his feelings and be really angry with me) but we have a long way to go. I’ve chosen a very attachment informed school for him and will he deferring his start so he has more play and nurture at his lovely nursery.

I adopted through a shambolic LA. I waited for the best match for me (personality wise and also what he’d been through and what I thought I could cope with). During introductions I was petrified. During the first six months of placement I considered disrupting every day as he point blank refused to attach and took his fury out on me (emotionally more than physically). It was hell and I regretted my decision to adopt.

Fast forward to now: he enjoys and is hugely popular at nursery (he has issues there but not so anyone would notice; he’s doing remarkably well), we have lots of fun at home and emotionally connect constantly, I am back at work in a career job that fits around his nursery hours and my house is almost always pretty tidy (my cleaner is a godsend). I’m pining for a hug from a man (and more) but that will come further down the line. The thought of leaving my son with a babysitter to go out at night is unthinkable right now. He wouldn’t cope and would be petrified.

There are sacrifices, certainly. Probably more than if you have a birth child with a partner. However the rewards are immense. My son stole the show at his nursery nativity yesterday, he behaved beautifully and really enjoyed himself. Every month our relationship deepens, every month he progresses emotionally and intellectually. Every month there’s more life story questions and moments where I need to repair and he tries to repair with me.

He is astounding. I’m so pleased I adopted and so pleased I didn’t disrupt. In my dark moments of placement I posted on these boards - a search will show you where I was. That place is unrecognizable to where I am now. I know things will be tough down the line (start of school, teen years, etc) and I’m bracing myself for the worst (and hoping for the best). But right now it’s pretty idyllic (not without its challenges, of course, but he is 3!).

It’s a leap of faith. It’s dependent on the match. You’re in control of the situation.

I think it is normal for any parent, no matter how they become a parent to question themselves. Will I be enough? Will I miss my old life? That’s normal and very healthy.

The addition of adoption takes that a step further because you are asked to question everything about yourself and your ability to cope with social workers first. That but definitely leads to uncertainty in own abilities.

When it comes to post adoption support, it’s hard to access. Resources are scarce and it’s those in most need or shouts the loudest that gets the support.

My son is similar to mahrezzy and chocapples children in terms of how he presents but each of our children have their own unique personalities, behaviours, experiences and coping strategies even if they are similarities. No book or social worker or form will tell you what to expect. It’s a leap of faith and as long as you are committed and reach out for support, you can do it. However, the consideration absolutely comes to matching and getting the right child whose needs you can meet. That will be discussed when at that stage.

thanks so much for sharing. very helpful

When I had doubts/worries about how bad it would be during the process I found it helpful to watch the positive stories - like Molly Mama Adopt & Aimmee Vlog on you tube, they kind of counteracted all the doom and gloom and brought balance again. Now Im really happy as we have our daughter coming home after Christmas at last - I think once you find your match it feels right and worth it all - as they are a real little child not just an imaginary child if you see what I mean. They will all have huge difficulties so its really really important to have the realism but don't forget how lovely they are at the same time. So I think the you tube lovely videos help remind us of the joys of adoption .
Also, have you joined the Adoption UK prospective adopter meetings on zoom? they are really helpful.

@inthefrontroe

scully29 makes a really valuable point. At the moment this is all so abstract. You don't know if your future child is a boy or a girl, their age, nothing about them at all.
When you are matched with your child, real child, YOUR child, its all very different

I will just add to my previous post that.. when I became a mummy to an actual child that was it. Whatever happened in the short/long term future I knew I would just have to deal with it.

Yes it's been extremely challenging and my life has changed massively but he's not going anywhere. He's MINE. Becoming a mummy has been the best thing I've ever done. There are so many moments of joy amidst all the challenging parts of life and they are so much more frequent and longer lasting than a year ago.

Patenting an adopted child is very very different to a birth child no bones about it.

In time I hope my house will get tidier and cleaner & I'll regain my figure. If they dont then oh well ! My son is way more important than me being a size 8 again & a sparkling home.

It is hard. And it is harder than you think it will be. Sometimes issues do not show up until they hit puberty.

Some days I dont think I can carry on but somehow I do.

I adopted my girls when they were babies. They are now teenagers, still in secondary. One has gone on to have multiple problems and issues including ASD and is violent to us. I never have an easy day with her. But not all days are unbearable.

I adopted as a half of a married couple. But I am now divorced. My exh is controlling and abusive. The dc never stay overnight with him but they do see him every week.

After we adopted it was clear early on that he was not willing to parent them. Leaving most of it to me. But when he did parent them, he was abusive. He didn't have them in his own until the youngest was at least 3.5 years and only for an hour or so as he could not cope. But at every opportunity he paraded them around when they were small.

Having your child on your own from the start, you wont have that problem. Although will be tough in other ways. Everyones story is different.

I have found post adoption services very supportive. We currently have support in place in more than one avenue via SW.

I would recommend if you adopt to link up with other adoptive families in your area. As this is a blessing. They get what you all are going through and you can support each other. Parents with birth kids do not 'get it' when your child has problems they can not help but have.

Also if you go ahead, get as much help as possible from your childs school.

There are things like life story work you can get help with now and post adoption can put you on courses like Thrive.

It is true it is not all happy ever after and not like the movies. But there are some good moments. Thinking about it like you are is good.

There are some good attachment books to read as well. If they haven't been linked I will try and link them.

At the end of the day only you know what is right for you.
🤗

Thanks so much to you all. Thanks for the recommendations. I will definitely look up those and also I have joined adoption uk and have now contact and supportive experienced adopters who are really lovely living nearby me. So thanks for being the virtual version of that !

@inthefrontroe @redbluegreenwhite I think that in relation to a lot of the situations you see with teenagers at the moment there was less accessible expertise about parenting and trauma when the parents first adopted.

Knowledge has grown about developmental trauma in the last few years and more and more (altruistic!) clinical psychologists and psychiatrists have put online in youtube or free information websites expert guidance about developmental trauma and research based parenting and therapeutic work which has helped so much.

My impression is that much of the training and expectations given to adopters, and shared by adopters sometimes, is still hugely problematic because it is out of date, bitty, poorly understood. But I think we will see positive changes here in years to come.

There have been promises about more research into outcomes for looked after children and adoption which will help too.