Help me find the right words

[CharlieSays13]

Help me find the right words to explain to a new head teacher why my LO(8) is struggling so badly at this time of year. I've sent resources for Beacon House (the Christmas Storm) and I've tried to explain why past trauma makes this time of year so difficult but I don't feel I'm explaining it well enough.

School have been very supportive since our LOs came home and the class teacher really is amazing. LO has been making brilliant progress and is increasingly being able to stay in the classroom longer and longer. I'm so proud of how far LO has came and much of it is down to being so well supported at school, particularly since returning after lockdown.

However 'events' are really difficult for LO to navigate and the run up to Christmas sees significant dis-regulation, LO is just so scared it breaks my heart. LO is losing their temper frequently at school and this is affecting classmates. The last couple of weeks I've had the Head on the phone regularly, 5 times in one day. Obviously I don't have the relationship with the new Head that I did with the old Head and due to Covid all contact is by phone which probably isn't helping. I have a phonecall with the Head again on Monday, after she's done some restorative work with my LO and the classmates. Help me explain to her why my LO is absolutely terrified and acting out. Thanks

LOs two full siblings are also heightened but are coping well at school, although oldest is masking so there's a lot to unpick at home.

It sounds like the HT does understand the issues for your DD, however she has a whole school of children to look out for and has to balance everyones needs and their safety. Focus on the progress that has been made and do what you can at home with your DD to try and de-escalate her behaviours. Could she maybe go in part days up until the end of term? This might allow her some quiet time to process her feelings?

Thanks @AppolloandDaphne I have no doubt the new head will be very good but she presently doesn't really know my child, understandably, she's new and has a lot of children to get to know. In fact it's testiment to how well my LO is doing and what a brilliant class teacher LO has that new head doesn't really know her.

When I've tried to explain what's going on in my wee ones head she says that all the children are over excited just now. I just need help with the right way to frame why Christmas time is triggering for children with a trauma background. We've had 3 Christmas jumper days already for example, I can't seem to explain to her why this change to routine is so difficult for my LO.

If someone could signpost some good resources I know the new head will read them.

I've asked for part days but I've been told that will affect her attendance, I plan to discuss that further.

That sounds difficult for you all, your poor LO is not alone, many children find the "exciting" off timetable Christmas period overwhelming and scary.

I also sympathise a bit with the head teacher though who's just trying to keep everybody safe and let them have a lovely Christmas week especially with the threat of another lockdown looming. They're probably battling severe staff shortages too so struggling to provide additional people to support your LO.

Would you be able to negotiate a temporary reduced timetable for your LO?
Maybe so they only go in when things are quiet and calm?

Or just let them finish for Christmas now and have some lovely 1-1 time with them.

In all honesty I don't think it's about "finding the right words" they probably do understand what your LO needs but just aren't able to provide it without it impacting severely on the needs of others.

Sorry op, our education system doesn't always work for everybody

I've asked for part days but I've been told that will affect her attendance, I plan to discuss that further.

Oh sorry, cross post with your reply.

That's a shame!

I really feel for you @CharlieSays13.

What has really helped us is getting covid which has meant my AS (6) will have missed a lot of the xmas overwhelm at school. It's been our saving grace as we've had so much extra 1:1 time for 10 days going confined to the home. It also really deepened his sense of feeling safe. It's made such a big difference to our home life compared to last year's massive massive dysregulation outside school time.

If you are able as parent(s) to facilitate having your LO at home on a reduced timetable or to finish early full stop then I'd say just do it. Your LO's wellbeing and the rest of the family's is far far more important than attending the last few days of school. Unless of course it would create such huge issues with the new Head that they would change for the worse how they interact/treat you.

I agree with PP's in that the new Head probably does 'Get' Trauma, but has to manage keeping everyone safe and is worrying about everything covid.

Hi OP can you ask for post adoption support for your little one specifically for this?

Rather than working on the head teacher to understand, I'd focus all my available effort on little one coping with this time of year. I'd also be hugely tempted to have a couple of days sick leave for little one, allow some time on the sofa under s blanket if you can be home with them (if you work from home of course).

Is anyone helping you with this?

Good luck. Only a week to go of school.

Sorry, I haven't really got any advice, just wanted to say I feel for you and your child. I had similar with my adopted ds,many years ago. The Headteacher was very unsympathetic towards him and how his previous traumas affected his current situation. When I tried to explain stuff to her she just kept saying "yes, but he's fine now, he's living with you". She actually once said that I couldn't keep "playing the adoption card" to justify his behaviour. I had hoped things had changed over the years and that schools were more understanding of (some) adopted children's needs.

Op this advice is for teachers of children with asd but it may still be useful.
reachoutasc.com/autism-and-christmas-teachers-are-you-ready/?fbclid=IwAR3ooIeHTLIryZ5PfZGwcdqvSGlCJEH3sUZEAlKoR6kCZmM5VQrFMHK3cjs

I think what the HT needs to know is that this isn’t run of the mill over excited kids struggling with change but that there is some trauma within your child’s story?

How much can you share with them? I’d be inclined to be honest about her background story to try and make the point if I’m honest and tell her how you want them to support her. HT needs to understand there’s a difference here so that she doesn’t end up labelled. You might not get exactly what you want because presumably there are loads of other kids with additional needs but you might find a compromise.

My dd has asd and we had similar issues whenever the normal school day altered, the compromise is she went to the school office (she loved the ladies who gave her mugs of tea and biscuits ) and did her favourite thing, maths workbooks. There's always a compromise. Interestingly she would take part in the show no problem, it was the noisy excited kids in the classroom that was the issue. A quiet safe place worked throughout her schooling and she has a similar set up at university

Is it worth suggesting your child’s school join this if they haven’t already?
www.naotp.com/schools

It is free for schools and there might be a virtual listening circle they can attend.

I’m going to disagree that the HT understands trauma, proper understanding of developmental trauma is pretty woeful in schools tbh and an understanding of why adopted children struggle with Christmas and birthdays is particularly poor as evidenced by “lots of kids are over excited” type comments.

@CharlieSays13 my two struggle with the run up to Christmas. It’s not just that their schedule is disrupted, it’s that their system is already heightened by the impact of early trauma so they have little spare capacity for any additional uncertainty. My children were removed from their birth mum the week before Christmas so it’s an especially scary time for them.

Christmas may mot have been a good time of year for your kids, in addition to the changes in school routine, Christmas often sees an increase in drinking, in domestic abuse, financial problems etc etc which all bring a change in children’s circumstances. My DS was 2 when removed from his birth parents but he can remember at a deep level that things would become much more scary at Christmas so along with all the excitement, he has high levels of anxiety. There’s also the awareness that home life wasn’t happy for them at a time when everyone is talking about love and family, they know they had a family which wasn’t safe or loving. My DD finds Christmas exciting and terrifying in equal measure and needs careful support to cope.

I’d explain to the HT that your LO is doing their best to cope with much more than Christmas over excitement, he needs support in school to cope with feeling overwhelmed so things like being able to signal he’s overwhelmed and being able to leave and spend time in a quiet place, having a clear, predictable class room routine, maybe help settling in class in the morning, being able to opt out of things that are too exciting to cope with. Sensory type activities in class can help too as can 1:1 support, eg the teacher asking him to help with a special task can give him space to decompress.

I’d stop with the restorative stuff - they’re treating his issues as behavioural when actually he’ll have little control over shouting so making him apologise or hear about the impact of something he can’t control will be very shaming. They need to learn the signs that he’s becoming overwhelmed and help him calm.

As an aside, I remember the first time we put up our Christmas tree - my DD was 6, she came into the room, squealed with glee and promptly threw up. The tree going up was a sign that mum would be drinking more, there would be more scary adults in the house also drinking etc etc - she loved the pretty tree but it was a huge trigger for her.

My LO's primary head was adamant he understood trauma and didn't need any extra help when he spoke to our TESSA coordinator. Both he and her class teacher had the shock of their lives when we said we'd have to withdraw our LO from a planned lesson involving everyone submitting baby photos for a class exercise. Fortunately for us the planned lesson was ditched for something else.

I think that the Christmas Storm document is great, but it is a general guidance for everyone to apply to their own dc, as not all adopted children will find Christmas in exactly the same way, and I wonder whether explaining things in a more specific way for the head, about how your LO specifically reacts to Christmas related things at school might help? So for each example the head gives you about problems with LO, you then work out what is happening for LO in that particular situation, and sort of translate it for the head, and explain to the head what strategies you would use at home?

It might help to break it down, each event, find out the exact triggers - who was involved, what was said, what happened first, what happened next.

And also try to help your LO talk about each thing so that you can help her understand it, weave a social narrative and help her work out what feelings she had and when, and give her strategies for what she might do next time, and send feedback back to the head.

Another really good Beacon House resource for you to give to the head might be the "window of tolerance" video. Not specifically about Christmas but it sounds as though your LO is falling out of her window of tolerance about specific things. If you send this to the head and her teacher, it might help them understand why your LO is (over)reacting to things in the way she is, help them work out her specific triggers, and also help them understand how they might help LO as the video explains that too.

I can't seem to explain to her why this change to routine I think this is an important thing on its own, changes to routine can be hugely problematic and push a child out of their "window of tolerance" - it is a matter of find out the best way of helping your dc back into her window of tolerance at school? Can you give examples here of what your dd is doing, what the head is phoning you about, to see if people can help with ideas for the head about how to help your dd in the moment?

Also (sorry, a third post) other children and possibly teachers might struggle with Christmas, and other people being destabilised a bit at school could cause someone who has experienced trauma to be destabilised a lot.

Thank you all very much, lots of very useful help here and lots for me to consider.

I really don't think the new head has much understanding of trauma from my discussions with her. I do however think she is very empathetic and wants to help. I just need to get it right with her.Also completely acknowledge that's she's a busy person, new to the job and has a school full of children to think about.

School has been such a terrific support to us in the 3 years our kids have been home, I really need to maintain a good working relationship.

@MyDcAreMarvel thank you that's a really useful resource.

@Jellycatspyjamas I see a lot of my LOs in your post, thank you for some great advice (not for the first time!)

I'm going to push for LO to have a reduced timetable, to be honest it doesn't sound like much work is going on anyway.

This thread had really helped me get prepared for my next phonecall. I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply to me.

@MRSAHILL you're my hero for managing not to punch your headteacher! What a thing to say! My head is definitely sympathetic thankfully.

This blogpost is written from a foster carer perspective, but applies to adopted children also I think.

www.homeforgood.org.uk/thoughts-of-a-foster-carer-great-expectations?fbclid=IwAR1U9ZAkNrFXRWQ_-1Cg5bhpKNIN1Yr_tOR7OOgJONtzSHtrzwI7rVYQL7A