Not sure how I feel

[NCAdoption]

I've NC'd for this and under normal circumstances I'd post it in AIBU but it's very sensitive.

TLDR: I'm adopted (in my 40's) and have met and become friends with my biological mother since 2013. She has now asked to borrow some money and I'm upset but don't know if I'm being horrible in feeling that way.

We've had a really good relationship and I'd definitely consider her a friend - she's very easy to talk to and she's someone I've developed a lot of respect for. I've met and also become friends with her grown-up children although we don't meet as often.

I grew up poor - at one stage I remember my parents having to borrow £100 from the bank as they had absolutely no cash (not sure how they did it TBH) but I got a good education and while I'll never be rich I've definitely done well and I'm comfortably off. My parents have never asked for financial help but it's fair to say I've treated them to a lot of things and services over the years that they wouldn't have otherwise, so they are comfortable now too. I don't have siblings and I don't have children by choice.

My biological mum is clearly a hard worker but has had a tough life - separated, long-time recovered alcoholic and has had a mix of jobs since I've known her but has been fairly stable lately. Ever since we met it was clear my financial situation was much better so I always said to her that if she ever got into difficulty that I would not mind helping.

But now it's happened and even though I didn't (hopefully) give any hint that I was upset, deep down I am. She rang me last night - I thought it was about our next meeting and we had lots of chat, but then she brought it up and said something along the lines of - you know you said I could ask for help - well I could do it with it now. She's had a mix of bad fortune - got injured so was off work for 2 weeks and one of her bigger clients (she's a carer) has Covid so she is also missing that income. She's had to buy new glasses and also is short money on paying some bills.

TBH the conversation became a bit of a blur and it shocked me that my immediate reaction was to be upset - so I think she asked for £350 but I ended up saying I'll give her £500 so that she isn't scrambling.

I don't know if she intends paying me back or not - she said 'but what about paying you back' and I said something like 'there's no hurry with that'.

She said multiple times that she didn't want this to change things between us, and I promised it wouldn't but I know in my head (and heart) it has. Because I've such a tiny family I've never had anyone ask to borrow money before. I can't really figure out what's upsetting me - I guess I'm just scared that she's using me. I also think it's one of the things I was scared of happening before I met her. I'm comfortable now but it hasn't been easy and I think I'm being judgey of someone who doesn't manage their finances very well.

I hid any shock or upset really well but we're meeting on Sunday and I hope I can get over it by then. I just wonder am I really a horrible (mean) person who says one thing but then feels differently in practice.

I'm not sure even why I'm posting or what I'm asking for but thank you if you're read all this. Maybe I'm just looking for someone to give my head a wobble and help me to not let this ruin my attitude to our relationship. I have no-one in RL I can talk to - my 'D'H has never been supportive of us meeting and he was even miffed about me meeting her on Sunday - so this would just be fuel to his fire.

You do not sound at all horrible, or mean. You sound generous, loving, kind, sensible, loyal and reflective. You sound like someone who is a good friend.

From you birth mum's perspective, you've offered, and it sounds like she believes she will pay you back- in which case, it's probably kinder to only giver her what she needs. She may struggle to pay extra back.

From your perspective- I wonder if this has triggered some feelings of almost imposter syndrome- "see, I knew it was too good to be true that someone likes me for who I am, she's just after my money after all!" Underlying your feelings, I wonder if it's triggered a bit of fight or flight panic in your self esteem?

I wonder if it's worth exploring why you felt you had to offer? In terms of your sense of self, your self esteem and your boundaries? Because it's ok to not offer. I wonder if you feel you have to offer to make up for the fact you feel you don't deserve your comfort? (You do. You deserve to be well off financially.)

I say again, you sound lovely. Your feelings are not wrong. Your birth mum wasn't wrong to ask for a loan, when you'd offered, but you are not wrong to feel the way you do. I wonder if it would be helpful to lend the minimum your BM needs, and then set up a slow repayment plan? I think it would be unfair on your BM to give her more than she needs, more than she can pay back, and then resent it. I wonder if a repayment plan would reset your relationship to adult to adult, one of equals, and restore yourself to where you can be?

No giving your head a wobble from me. I hope your DH appreciates how great you are.

I wonder whether it has triggered feelings of resentment that she couldnt /didn't meet your needs as a child but now you are being asked to help her. So in effect you are in the parenting position when really you should have been relying on her.
Of course there are many reasons why she couldnt fulfil that role and it sounds like the adult bit of you has processed that and understood it but the little girl within is reacting with her emotions and not with logic.

It is hard to feel such conflicting emotions and make sense of them I know.
I think your husband is not helping either tbh and will be stirring those conflicting emotions up even more.
Personally I would give her the money but be careful that it doesn't become a pattern. So boundaries you are comfortable with are essential I think.

I wonder if you made the offer out of guilt that she’s had such a hard life while you’ve done ok? It’s not unusual even for kids who don’t have added challenges that adoption brings. It can leave you wondering if she’d want a relationship with you if money weren’t in the equation.

You might want to go ahead and give her the money, or not - Christmas is a good excuse to say your budget is much tighter than you realised. In any event, set up a repayment plan with her, but honestly don’t expect to see the money again and do expect her to ask again. Decide for yourself what’s ok for you - and if that means not giving her financial help, that’s absolutely ok.

As an adult, she has made choices that have led her to this point, just as you too have made choices. You have no obligation to help her, even if you normally would.

I wonder too if part of your husbands concern is that she might be taking advantage of your good nature, which can be very hard when you, understandably hope for a relationship with her. It may be worth looking at how you set and hold boundaries for yourself in relationships

I won't repeat the other really helpful replies but just to add, if you have been in contact since 2013, and this is the first time she's asked you, then that's quite a long time.
Even if you only made the offer recently, if she was just after money, I think she may have asked anyway.

It may have been very hard for her to ask.

I completely understand your feelings. My son"s birth family have asked me for help in the past, not directly for money, but it was very hard to deal with.
I think in your place, I would try and see it as a one off. If she does get those new glasses, then you will know it was genuine need.

I've not much to add having read through everyone's replies. Like @Ted27 I notice this seems to be the first time in 8 years she's asked for money. I would only lend her the money if you can afford to write it off as never being repaid in full. We lent money to BIL in similar circumstances and having straight away mentally written it off we were surprised when he paid it back in full after an unexpected windfall 5 years later. BIL has a long history of borrowing money from FIL and not paying it back but that is between them.

I would only really question it if this opened the door to her and/or your siblings asking you for money on a more regular basis.

Wow - I went away for a few hours honestly thinking no one would see or reply to this, so thank each of you so, so much.

You have all raised such valid (and thought-provoking) points and been so kind versus what I expected. I should have mentioned that I do have 'maintenance level' counselling a few times a year, so there is obviously still a lot to work on next time I have a session.

I definitely have self esteem issues which is not helping with this. I also think I panicked on the phone, so I can try to talk it through again with her when we meet and ask what makes her most comfortable in terms of the amount and repayment. I would be surprised if she didn't offer to repay, but if that happens I will just have to accept it and let it go. But I also know it will make me a little more wary when I next get an impromptu phonecall.

And yes, my DH often says that I am too nice to people (without realising the irony of that including him but that's a whole other thread ) and I do have issues with (for example) over-doing it with presents at Xmas. I already have a known issue with trying to 'mind' or parent my parents too that I've tried to work on, so this is similar I suppose.

It is a very good point about this being the first time in 8 years and it helps to think of it like that. I also think it must have been very hard for her to ask. Like many of you said, I think a lot of my reaction is based on fear of this becoming a regular occurrence (or even worse, a reason for staying in touch) so I might learn more about this when we meet.

Thank you all again - you've given me lots to think about and you've really helped me.

Are you in any support groups for adult adoptees who are also back in contact with their birth families? I think you might find their responses and support useful in understanding your emotional response.

Hi OP I am an adoptee, and I can relate to some of your situation - I was a high wage earner for about 15 years before having dc and during that time I gave a lot of money and gifts to members of my bio family. I think my situation is slightly different as I had thought it all through and was very clear about wanting to do it and not wanting repayment. Also, I left home at 16 and was extremely poor when starting my A levels before getting a part time job, and I had an older bio brother who was very generous, so I had that approach modelled for me. For me it hasn't ever changed relationships. And since having dc I have not lent or given money and no one has begrudged that.

I think my only advice here would be to really take account of your feelings here first and foremost and work through them and decide for yourself what you want to do in terms of lending or giving, now and in the future, and then tell your mother (and your dh!).

I would feel I could tell my bio mother how I felt, if I felt uneasy or worried about the impact of lending or giving, and get an honest response - I am not sure whether you can be open with your true feelings, it depends on your relationship and what she is like as
a person too. Either way, I feel it would be preferable to be sure of your feelings about future lending and giving before talking to her.

This hasn't been put brilliantly but hopefully it sort of makes sense!

Thank you again for the help and support.

Ifchocolatewerecelery I do think a support group was mentioned when this process first started but I haven't really thought about it since then. I had an excellent social worker/mediator who insisted on the process being really slow - we exchanged letters for probably 2 years before we met and even then it was v controlled until we both got comfortable. But ever since the initial meetings and nerves around those, I've never felt 'at risk' if that makes sense.

sassy that is so helpful too thank you. You raise a good point in that I do think I could have an honest conversation with her - but I'm still not sure what exactly my worry or upset is, apart maybe from being taken advantage of in the future. But when I break it down I don't think she's that sort of person and would probably be mortified at the thought of it.

Thank you all again - I slept better last night 'talking' this through with you all.