aggression help

[Somethinginthewayyyy]

Hi all,
"Experienced" adopter here with child number 2, 18m. He has been home 6months, a rocky road to settling in but is now much better. Lots of kisses and finally secure enough to sleep through. Loves his sibling etc. It's going well from many angles.

However, he scratches, bites and slaps. We didn't have this with our first child (and they are much older so we are a bit out of practise with small ones!). He is a slave to his emotions (as most children are at this age) and has a temper. He doesn't tend to hit etc without a trigger. These are mostly "you have stopped me doing something I want to do" or "I'm very cross because I hurt myself and I'm going to slap you!". He doesn't do it to other children, just us.

When he does it we say "kind hands, we don't smack". If he does it again (usually does as hates being told not to) we place him on the floor. He will then scream and cry. After a few seconds we offer hugs. Sometimes he is ready, sometimes he will slap again.

He is totally annoyed at not being able to verbalise his annoyance and is very annoyed with not being able to walk yet. Also likely very annoyed still that his world is upside down.

How can we deal with this in a therapeutic way? We don't ever leave him, but obviously he does need to know that hitting is not ok.
Thanks

I have a four year old who occasionally hits, usually when frustrated at not being able to do something. I have no idea if it's an approved therapeutic parenting method (and is actually similar to what you say you are doing!) but he's small enough that I can sit him on my lap and hold his hands. I say "I'm not going to let you hit me. Hitting hurts" He's never been that forceful in his hitting and has always loved cuddles so it doesn't usually take long for his anger to reside and the close contact seems to calm him. At some point after, I'll usually find I get a very strong bear hug which I think is his way of saying he's sorry for hitting! What you are doing sounds like a good way to handle it. Maybe you could try and make eye contact and hold his hands when you give him the message about not hitting so he knows it's his hands and not yours that are the ones that need to be kind??

I think I'd be tempted to do the explanation that hands are not for hitting, hitting isn't okay, but not place him on the floor, skip that stage, so just keep with the verbal reiteration and the hugs. Actually I have just seen that that is basically what the pp says! Putting him down may make him feel worse and so perpetuate things.

It might also help to keep reinforcing the message when he is calm, talk about what to do when he is angry, and read to him at bedtime the children's books such as "Hands are Not for Hitting.." which has pictures of what hands do - "hands are for waving...eating.. "etc

And also validate his feelings - it sounds like you have a good idea of why he is angry, does talking about that so he knows you know help? And maybe finding ways to let off some steam - does he enjoy long walks in his pram, to new or interesting places, or can he walk if you holding his hand at all, or climb with you holding his waist, or does he like crawling around at softplay?

It also depends a bit on what you are saying no to - are they non negotiables and are you including reasons why? I remember the reasons why were super important at this age.

As per PP. it also consider some narration around his feelings, I think you are cross because you can’t have that toy, but when we are cross we don’t hit etc.

It’s also worth remembering that it’s perfectly age appropriate behaviour and might just be part of his “normal” development.

Instead of annoyed I’d think terrified - fight or flight, he can’t walk so he’s going to fight instead. His whole world has changed and he can’t express himself any other way, he won’t understand your rules, or how your house works, etc etc. If it were you, I’d imagine you’d want to hit something/someone too.

I’d start way before he’s at the point of fighting. A good daily routine, get outside as much as possible, give him a way of knowing one thing is stopping and another thing is starting (picture timetables are good for this). Your looking to make his day as planned and predictable as possible so his overall stress levels are kept to a minimum, which will give him more emotional capacity to cope with unavoidable stress. Have regular down time too - gentle activity like mark making, a bit of tv while you sit with him. If he’s upset cuddle and soothe him as you would a much smaller baby, he’ll learn to soothe himself through physical connection with a calm, soothing care giver and may not have had that in his early months.

When he does hit distract with something sensory, get him moving, play music and dance, get him jumping, throwing things, put him in the bath - anything that discharges adrenaline and reconnects his brain and brings him back into his body. Hugs can help too - holding him tightly so he can’t lash out, calming words or singing.

Try not to treat it as behavioural - he’s way to young to make the connection between hitting and hurting, particularly given he’s likely to have some degree of delay. Do you know if he was hitting in early foster care?

No hitting in foster care, he was basically a happy baby rolling round the floor! He was in front of the tv a huge amount because she often had three babies.

He came to us and instantly wanted to crawl/play/ get on the move. I think because of our other child. He will cuddle on our lap for downtime, he is extremely active and we have no choice but to build into his day lots of time for play and movement. He has a strong routine around food and naps but he does get upset because his sibling goes to school and he misses them. However it does mean he gets plenty of 1-2-1 time. However, he does get very sensitive to routine changes but there is only so much we can do when he wakes early from a nap etc.

We've been through months of screaming through the night, hours of rocking, lots of bond building. We forget how far he has come, he just slept through one night and then continued and has done for a month! I'm convinced he decided it was finally safe enough!

Yes we don't like putting him on the floor but he actually does draw blood. He catches lips etc if we keep him in our arms and gets angrier when restrained. We have tried cuddling him into submission but he sets off like a volcano.

I think we will definitely try labelling the emotion and sitting on the floor with him. We adore him, he has done brilliantly really.

I understand what you mean, he is too furious in the moment to be held close - to put enough distance there but to stay with him, or get on the floor with him as you say sounds great. When he calms does he then want hugs? I think when dc are like this it is the talking you do with them when they are calm which really starts to make the difference, over the years.

It all sounds great, how it is going, but I am sure you know that already!

I'd agree with Jelly. I think it's never too early to get post adoption support for aggression, because I found it really helpful with one of mine.

It can be really helpful to go through what dysregulation looks like, and how it builds up, before it gets to aggression. Good routine, sensory regulation activities, getting outdoors- everything Jelly said.

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

However, he does get very sensitive to routine changes but there is only so much we can do when he wakes early from a nap etc.

Absolutely, it might be about him knowing that whenever he wakes from a nap X will always happen - be that a nappy change, a snack, a cuddle with mum that helps him transition. That way he knows what to expect and then you can go on with the rest of your day. Anything that helps him internally predict what comes next will help reduce his overall stress levels.

It’s very hard because aggression can catch us off guard, and as they get stronger it physically hurts. Our instinct is to remove ourselves from violence but when it’s our child we can’t do that so you’re fighting your own self protective instinct to give care to your child which takes a huge toll physically and emotionally.

You sound like you’re doing really well, you’re an experienced adopter so you know this will pass as you offer consistent care but getting to that point is hard going. Do you have space for yourself to recharge, eg using his nap time to just rest, have a coffee and rebalance? Are you getting out to see friends, doing something that helps you relax. Don’t under-estimate the impact on you - it’s so very demanding and it’s natural that you’ll run out of steam.

I have a bloody amazing update!

DH was carrying our boy and he bumped his head. This is a massive trigger for slapping normally so DH quickly said "oh dear, it's ok to be sad, we don't hurt daddy" and no slap came...

Then when I got home, he was upset so I picked him up for a cuddle, usually I would get a slap. I picked him up and said "It's ok to be sad" and he didn't slap.

Then at bedtime he was cross because he didn't want to go to bed. DH told him it was ok to be cross but we don't hurt daddy. Instead of scratching down DH face, he used his palm and dragged that down his face. It didn't hurt. Our little boy managed some form of self control!

We are bloody pleased with this development. Thanks all! We will be labelling all feelings from now on!

That is really heartwarming! Ah, little people can be so sweet.

I'm sure it won't work tomorrow but you take the wins where you can!

That's a brilliant update @Somethinginthewayyyy your love for your little man shines in spades.

Labelling all feelings and talking, talking, talking about his memories of birth family are really helping with my son's aggression. He's 6 and has been home just over a year.

I can see now just how petrified and unsafe he felt compared to now. The routines and strong boundaries along with PACE really are working.... slowly... !

P.s I have found that cuddling my son when he's aggressive made things worse too. What can sometimes help is to do a Story Massage. We do a lot of this anyway to help him to accept touch more.

I would really recommend Story Massage if you havent already tried it.