What’s it really like?

[tldr]

People considering adoption ask this all the time, so here’s a snapshot of what it’s really like. (It’s not that I’m unused to this but DH is away atm so I can’t vent at him.)

9yo DS has had his eye on some bubble wrap for a few days. I’m not sure we’re keeping the content of the bubble wrap though so I said he’d have to wait til I knew that, then he could pop it. (At the popping stage, the bubble wrap would be shared scrupulously between both DC to avoid allegations of favouritism.)

Last night 11yo DD got up in the middle of the night to pop it all. Says it wasn’t her. Yelled at me for even asking. Went off to school hating me.

So either we have to believe that an 11yo doesn’t have enough impulse control to not pop some bubble wrap or she couldn’t stansd the thought that her brother might get to pop it without her.

That’s what it’s really like.

Sounds tough!!!!!!!!!

to be fair, popping of bubble wrap is irresistable. I can imagine mybrothers do this to stop me getting it

@Notmenotme

Sounds tough!!!!!!!!!

It’s exhausting, trying at all times to guess what might be important today. OTOH, if it’s exhausting to me, how must it be to be her?

@Ted27

to be fair, popping of bubble wrap is irresistable. I can imagine mybrothers do this to stop me getting it

And my sister and I would have too, but we’d have done it whilst laughing and/or actually fighting over it, in plain sight - not shamefully in the dead of night. (And not when my mum had said no!)

to be honest my brother would have done, but he enjoyed being mean to me !

but I get your point about the exhaustion of keeping up with them

Siblings are hard work - yes working out what’s important today, which may not have been important yesterday and may not matter at all tomorrow. Eleven is a tricky age to in and of itself - my DD would have done the same thing because she would worry that she wouldn’t get share, totally harks back to having to compete with siblings to have basic needs met.

It’s so hard to keep up with them!!!! I’m at an potentially more physically exhausting stage but less mentally exhausting stage….!! Currently im sat down exhausted the 4 year old is clambering over me and the 2 year old just did a poo so big it leaked and then sat down (not wearing tights - mistake!!!). I’ve sat down after cleaning the floor you’ll all be so pleased to hear. Now dinner and bed time service alone as partner has to work. I do realise single adopters have it much worse but I can’t bring myself to tidy or clean and we always get tears from one of them at bed time about something!!!!

Where basic needs = popping bubble wrap 😭

What’s insane is that when they were with birth family the only person meeting his basic needs was her.

Yep, where popping bubbles wrap touches that part of her that “knows” deep down she can only rely on herself, so it becomes a basic need to be recognised and put first.

Tomorrow it might be taking the elf on the shelf to school (my battle with my 10.5 year old this morning).

@Notmenotme

It’s so hard to keep up with them!!!! I’m at an potentially more physically exhausting stage but less mentally exhausting stage….!! Currently im sat down exhausted the 4 year old is clambering over me and the 2 year old just did a poo so big it leaked and then sat down (not wearing tights - mistake!!!). I’ve sat down after cleaning the floor you’ll all be so pleased to hear. Now dinner and bed time service alone as partner has to work. I do realise single adopters have it much worse but I can’t bring myself to tidy or clean and we always get tears from one of them at bed time about something!!!!

There were a couple of years when the physical stuff got easier and the emotional stuff wasn’t quite so nuts - you’ll get a break then.

4 or so years from now. 😉😫

@Jellycatspyjamas

Yep, where popping bubbles wrap touches that part of her that “knows” deep down she can only rely on herself, so it becomes a basic need to be recognised and put first.

Tomorrow it might be taking the elf on the shelf to school (my battle with my 10.5 year old this morning).

No elf here. I literally couldn’t cope.

Christmas at home is as short as possible without me actually being a Scrooge.

You are very wise re bubble wrap and basic need.

The way you describe this, your dd sounds very stressed, anxious, lonely, as I am sure you agree. Could it be partly linked to no longer meeting her brother's basic needs, I wonder? Is there a way of letting her have an important caring role in a positive way, now she is 11?

Whatever it is, it sounds as though you have a relationship problem rather than an adoption problem or bubble wrap problem. Have you asked for DPP? They would talk extensively to you and possibly to your dd to analyse what is going on.

The way you describe this, your dd sounds very stressed, anxious, lonely, as I am sure you agree. Could it be partly linked to no longer meeting her brother's basic needs, I wonder? Is there a way of letting her have an important caring role in a positive way, now she is 11?

She is all of those. Little bro (understandably) won’t adjust his behaviour to make allowances for any of that though so I can’t rely on him to be kind or appreciative (or even not a complete jerk) if she does do something caring for him. And she would probably, in her current frame of mind, view it as more evidence of world revolving around favourite child.

Going to read up on DPP. Have asked for help many times, got none.