Sad 🥺

[Dithercats]

I am so sad about Arthur.
Cannot read the news or watch any footage etc.
People talk about it, I can't comment.
My DC sibling died in the birth family 😢. My DC was removed, and every baby born since has been too. I adopted 4 siblings..
I am sad, and cannot manage all the news coverage.
Safe place needed here pls (long time user, NC).

Hi,

I have NC too so this isnt linked to my usual posting history.

@Dithercats I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can not imagine how difficult it must be for you. Sending you lots of .

I think I can emphasise in some sort of way. I hope that sounds ok

A baby sibling of my AC suffered horrendous head injuries from an Incident from birth parent too. The baby did survive (only just) but with absolutely devastating lifelong brain injuries that affect their entire being.

My AC and their siblings are completely messed up from all the neglect, verbal & physical abuse and witnessing The Incident All the kids were Adopted afterwards.

I truely hope that you and your family have had some therapy/Life Story Work to go through all this. I hope that you are getting lots of Support as a family right now.

Sending hugs and lots of thoughts to you.

xx

Thats so sad. Those poor babies.
It upsets me so much hearing stories like Arthurs. How many adults failed him.
Im only just at the start of stage 1 but it just makes me wish I could take them all and protect them all.

@Dithercats

this is the forgotton part of the story, the other children who were present and the families picking up the pieces. And sadly I think more of us than we realise have children who were a hairs breadth of being an Arthur, Star, Daniel or Peter.
Its been so hard to avoid the news coverage, I think its an outrageous intrusion of that poor child's privacy for those photos and videos to be used on news bulletins. No dignity for him at all even in death.
There is nothing we can do for those young lives which have been lost, but we can honour them every day by bringing up their siblings, knowing they are loved and cared for.

SS have not contacted us to see if we are ok despite knowing my DC witnessed the death. As time goes on files close, SW move on, and my children are forgotten.
To protect their privacy I don't disclose why they came to me, so no support from friends etc...
V hard.

@Dithercats

thats a great burden to bear on your own.

I have a piece of information about my son's birth mum. The details are horrific, I wish I didnt know, but I do. Like you to protect privacy I told no one about this for a very long time. It was acknowledged by the therapist doing my son's life story work. We never told my son this information, but it was a huge relief to me to share that knowledge with someone else.
Since then I have shared with a very trusted friend who has been a great support to me throughout our adoption.
I think its nigh on impossible for SWs to keep up with children, sadly there are always more, and yours are now safe.
I wonder if it would help you to have some counselling for yourself?

There can't be many people who haven't had the desperate wish they could somehow grab Arthur from his family and give him all the love he deserved.

But the reality is if he had been removed from his abusers in time he would have been a very traumatised child whose foster/adoptive parents would have needed a lot of support to help him recover as far as he was able to. And as we see on this board, parents don't always find that support is there.

I know there will be reports and investigations, and plans, to try and prevent future Arthurs. But I wish there would be equal commitment to helping Arthurs who survive.

@Dithercats

I am so sad about Arthur. Cannot read the news or watch any footage etc. People talk about it, I can't comment. My DC sibling died in the birth family 😢. My DC was removed, and every baby born since has been too. I adopted 4 siblings.. I am sad, and cannot manage all the news coverage. Safe place needed here pls (long time user, NC).

I know exactly what you mean. I am personally finding the press coverage just too difficult to hear or watch. I just feel so awful for Arthur. That poor poor boy.

I thank my lucky stars my LO is safe. As adopters we usually have higher awareness of how common these circumstances are, just wish more was done to protect him. 💙

It is an awful thing and has shocked everyone. I find it impossible to comprehend, and so tragic that the risks to him were missed. If you are close to a similar situation I can imagine it must be very difficult. Children can heal from these things, I hope that you manage to find some of the scarce help there is out there for your dc. Talking is really important. And cherishing what you have. I agree that for you to talk to someone would really help you, just a chance for you to verbalise what you feel would help you, though it is probably hard to find the time.

ted27 will you tell your ds when he is older?

@lightsareup

I would rather he was not burdened with the information. My worry is that it will be in his file, which he is entitled to see when he is 18. He is 17.
If he has to know I would rather tell him myself than he reads it in a file.

He might also find out from other family members. It is a tough one. Even if he doesn't find out until he is 30 or 40, when he does find out he may feel it shouldn't have been kept from him. It depends on what it is though. It is a tough one.

@lightsareup

I think I will have to tell him. His birth mum wrote him a letter, the first page of which set out in graphic detail what happened.
To say I was astounded that SWs thought it suitable to send to a 7 year old is an understatement. I sent it back three times. The third version still contained the information but on a separate page. I kept the letter until last year when my son was 6
16. I gave the letter to him, minus that page.
I don't know how who in the birth family knows. Two key people who would have known are dead.But his mum may tell him if he chooses to contact. And of course the other copies of the letter may be on his file.
I don't want him to see it that file without fore warning

@Dithercats I am so sorry for your family's situation and the emotions the case of Arthur have stirred for you. I also understand your predicament in not being able to confide in others about your own children's history.
I, like many people, have felt extremely saddened and upset by the case. I have cuddled, kissed and told my LO how much I love him so many times this weekend whilst thinking about poor Arthur. Since becoming an adopter, I find the child abuse and murder cases that make the news really upsetting and triggering because I can only too easily imagine the life that may have been for my LO.

Thank you.
Yes it's been so very hard. I've been like a bear with a sore head this weekend I think.
My DC have had therapy as witnessed what happened, I read the ss files and weep.
It's not my story, but I hold theirs.

to all of you dealing with this or similar.

I’ve had to hide all the other threads elsewhere on MN because they were giving me the rage with their competitive ‘I’d have looked after him’s.

yes @tldr

and all of them missing the point that even if they had come forward as adopters/fosterers - they couldnt have saved him as he was still with his family

I wonder if this and the Star Hobson case will see more people coming forward to foster/adopt... and for the right reasons instead of as a Saviour.

@Chocapple

I wonder if this and the Star Hobson case will see more people coming forward to foster/adopt... and for the right reasons instead of as a Saviour.

No, it won’t. Same as every time there’s an earthquake/famine somewhere and everyone says if only I had a spare room/didn’t have a dog/wasn’t already planning to have 4 birth children’.

I agree @tldr

it may tip a few people who were already thinking about it, but it won't see vast hordes of people coming forward

@tldr

Yes, all the "I'd have looked after him/had him/loved him!"

Yet, they're the same ones telling their kids not to play with mine, who don't invite mine to play, to parties, etc. Who get their kids to stay away from the rough stinky kids. Who look at me with judgement when the teacher says "can I have a quick word..."

This case is so sad, and so close to home. I think it's normal to be upset in these cases, especially given our children's experiences.

[quote gordongrumpy]@tldr

Yes, all the "I'd have looked after him/had him/loved him!"

Yet, they're the same ones telling their kids not to play with mine, who don't invite mine to play, to parties, etc. Who get their kids to stay away from the rough stinky kids. Who look at me with judgement when the teacher says "can I have a quick word..."

This case is so sad, and so close to home. I think it's normal to be upset in these cases, especially given our children's experiences.[/quote]
Yes yes yes and yes. All this.

gordongrumpy tldr chocapple ted27

This is a support thread for the OP and others with similar experiences, who have asked for a gentle safe space, would it be possible to start a new thread about your issues about people not following through to become adopters?

@lightsareup who made you the thread police? Have you adopted a child from a background like this?

I'm one of the people saying if I could, I would have taken him away in a heartbeat. The reality is that it hasn't changed my mind about adoption/fostering. I couldn't cope with the heartbreak of the process. I have two close friends who have gone through it. Every aspect of their lives was scrutinised over a period of years but the moment they were approved and matched that scrutiny disappeared. There's no support to be found except from fellow adopters suffering the same struggle to get support. The system needs to change. It's no longer babies taken from young mothers who can't cope. None of the children in the matching pool are from a background like that, they've all suffered early trauma that needs professional help.

With the little girl Star in the news today it's highlighted the issue again.
Sadly for our family it highlights our unspoken story
......even adopters argue whether things will change rather than just offer support to each of us who are really struggling with these headlines 😔 v sad times

@Dithercats

I'm sorry you are finding this so hard - do you have anyone you can confide in?