Not Suitable Because of Lack of Flexibility?

[WittyUsername123]

Sorry to post again, I know I’m a newbie but I am feeling very bewildered by the whole process...
We had a face-to-face meeting that went very well (I thought!) last Friday, and yesterday the social worker contacted my partner asking if she could call her tomorrow (when I say contacted, I mean she left a voice note on WhatsApp because that’s the only way she communicates, and it was only to my partner because she isn’t able to add my number to the chat for reasons unknown). Of course, my partner said, how about X time as I have a free period (she’s a teacher).
No idea what the original call was meant to be about because she spent the whole call on how we weren’t ‘flexible’ enough because we weren’t available on the phone at any hour, that ‘most people’ adopting already have children so are available more, etc etc
I’m happy for the process to be detailed, long, etc and I know we aren’t perfect at all. I don’t really get how a social worker can rock up to our meetings saying she hasn’t had time to read our paperwork and doesn’t know our names, but then expect us to be sat by the phone absolutely constantly... AIBU? I feel like this was a test and we failed :(

But she didn't actually say you're not suitable? Just not as flexible than others? Try not to get hung up on it.

Thank you, you’re probably right. I find myself second-guessing a lot of things she says. I think it’s a bit of ‘teacher’s pet syndrome’; I want to somehow get a gold star and pass with an A+

Well she is talking nonsense, most people who adopt don't already have children and having children does not mean you suddenly become more flexible just for the mere fact of having children.
How far along are you ?

Only just starting stage one, but it’s taken a solid four months from having an initial ROI meeting to now of course! I completely get that we’ll have to have meetings during the working day but she started going on about how we need advanced notice- like I’d imagine lots of employers require some notice before their employees vanish for a day! Just feels like she expected us to float in on angel wings, polishing our halos already haha

Of course you’ll need advance notice not least because you’ll have prep work to do beforehand. My job is very regulated with times I can’t be near my phone much less available and honestly my flexibility has hit much worse since adopting because my days are much busier with fixed point like school drop off and pick up.

Smile and nod…

In terms of testing behaviour, you've only failed if you allow this to wind you up. Smile and nod is indeed the right course of action. Do what's reasonable by giving her an idea of best times to contact you, best times to meet and how much notice you might need due to work commitments - you are by no means the only adopters with jobs. And get ready to nod along if she brings this up again, possibly also sigh while nodding and say 'yes, work'. There's a good chance she won't mention it again though so don't let it get to you. Buckle up - this is unlikely to be the most nonsense thing you'll hear on your journey to adopt so think of this as a good opportunity get your nodding down pat early on.

Have they said how flexible they expect you to be? Me and partner do jobs which don't allow us to answer our phones whilst at work and we both work shifts. We are still in the early stages of exploring adoption.

That’s typical in my experience of adoption SWs ( I’m a foster carer). Just smile nod and keep going. They are notoriously unrealistic and power trippy ( I’m sure there are exceptions but I’ve not met one yet!). The process is incredibly frustrating and unfair on adopters, and incredibly traumatic a lot of the time. They call it a test of your resilience I think.

No she didn’t say how flexible we should be, just kept talking about how the stage one clock is ticking and we have to fit in her schedule... which is odd because we have fitted in so far! I think you’re right, my partner said she just agreed and said we would prioritise them- smile and nod I guess!

When I see posts like this I just think we were so incredibly lucky with our social worker.

We had concerns about having to take so much time of for meetings, trainings etc due to hearing stories from others ahead of us in the process on the adoption UK prospective adopters group.

But our social worker was so so so understanding and more than flexible. She wanted us to save our holiday for when (if) we were matched so was prepared to work out of hours (for her) for our meetings etc

This process shouldn't have to be this hard in this way. Yes it is hard mentally but not this hard

Massive amounts of vibes for a smooth process, you'll get there!

YANBU. We weren't expected to have any meetings during working hours until we were actually matched with our son, the stage 1 and 2 SWs fitted around us for everything. Especially with a job like teaching it doesn't make sense to expect you to be available all the time at this point in the process.

She is most likely stressed about unrealistic time frames… 6 months is not realistic for anyone involved!

I would smile and nod and then leave it at that - but I also would stand grounds at not having unlimited time. Parents don’t - why should prospective parents!!!

There are ways to test flexibility, commitment, resilience.

One of the issues for your SW is going to assess, is how (if) you respond/cope with awkward behaviour, demands, stress, and challenges. Because that's what you both are going to face as parents. She's also looking for the balance in your relationship when the chips are down.

I don’t agree with PPs saying it’s a way to test your behaviour. Being unprofessional and unreasonable is just that. Of course you’ll have to smile and nod but I think you should also make a note of this sort of behaviour in case you had any difficulty with approval further down the line.