Christmas threads

[readyforreindeers]

Some adult adoptees experienced very difficult things in childhood, and the threads on here each year along the lines of "aaarrrgggh Christmas" and what a nightmare it can be, and drinking to get through it, can be genuinely very triggering and distressing for them. Would it be possible to bear this in mind and possible have those sorts of general discussions in exclusively adopter spaces, such as closed facebook groups or association forums this year? It would be very much appreciated.

Thank you very much.

@readyforreindeers

I appreciate that this may sound unsympathetic, but this is a space for adopters, and to be honest I don't recall a proliferation of threads about people drinking to get through Christmas on this board.
Adopter threads rarely show up in active or trending so maybe you could just not look at the board?

Do you often try and control what other adults discuss, rather than moderating your own behaviour and responses, and reflecting on that?

This is an open forum, frequented mostly by adopters, with some (valuable) adoptee and birth parent input. If posters need support with Christmas, they will find it here.

Would you like support with unpacking your own feelings about Christmas, as an adoptee? Obviously, we're not therapists, but maybe other adoptees would help you with this, and us adopters would likely gracefully step back, and hopefully learn something?

You don't get to police the board, sorry. So no, to your request.

I posted on the Christmas board about advice with our newly adopted LO. I asked for it be deleted after having so much negative feedback from non-adopters. Apparently I was a very horrible, uncaring person. Worst person ever. It made me feel shit when I’d only asked for advice.
I’ve been too worried to ask again on here but have had so much support from this board as an adopter. I’m sorry for how you feel but don’t know where else adopters could post about Christmas help? From my own experience, trying to post anywhere but here does not lead to very helpful responses!
Maybe you could set up a separate thread for adoptees and Christmas on the board? I know Reddit also has a good adoption community for adoptees that could also help.

@readyforreindeers

Some adult adoptees experienced very difficult things in childhood, and the threads on here each year along the lines of "aaarrrgggh Christmas" and what a nightmare it can be, and drinking to get through it, can be genuinely very triggering and distressing for them. Would it be possible to bear this in mind and possible have those sorts of general discussions in exclusively adopter spaces, such as closed facebook groups or association forums this year? It would be very much appreciated.

Thank you very much.

Isn’t this an ‘exclusively adopter space’? It’s in the Mumsnet Becoming a Parent section under the banner of Adoption = a space for those who have or are considering adoption.

Christ on a bike, as if our lives as adoptive parents aren’t difficult enough, now we’ve got the thought police monitoring what we may or may not be allowed to post here, for fear of offending someone, somewhere.

You can't dictate what people post about. I'm an adoptee with some trauma, but wouldn't dream of trying to control what others write because it's "triggering".

Christmas can be a difficult and triggering time for a lot of society. I could understand if it was "wow look how much of an amazing adoptive parent i am" day and it was insensitive toward the children but its just one of those things in life. You can't police other people. Imagine if everyone who lost a mum or dad said to others that they shouldn't discuss mother or fathers day?
Or because I've had fertility issues, no one can speak to me about pregnancy or their children.

Life can be hard, things can happen around you which can make you sad and reflect on your own life and what you don't have. I hope you find a way to focus on the good around Christmas. As someone starting the adoption process it makes me really sad to see how negatively some adoptees see the process and the pain they obviously carry!
I was abandoned by my father (not adopted) and I couldnt make sense of the way it made me feel until adulthood but I dont let it define me. Its just a facet of my life. If anything it made me a stronger person.
If you do struggle with Christmas please speak to someone about it and try to process your pain. Its worth it!

@Noimaginationforaun I suggest you do try again. First Christmases with adopted children can be fraught with potential pitfalls.
We tried to

• be clear what would happen
• build in calm time
• keep things relatively low key
• not set our own expectations too high
• build some small traditions to help build memories

@Noimaginationforaun I'm sorry to hear about the experience you had when posting on the Christmas board.

We try and make sure things are as low key as possible. We have some traditions which we have built in through the years. We have grandparents here in the morning for a set amount of time then everyone leaves before dinner time.

We don't get too stressed about Christmas dinner etc. I try and make sure he gets some calories into him (he's not motivated by food at all) but I don't push him too much.

We try and follow our normal day time routine as closely as possible and we talk about what will happen in the run up.

And we don't do too many presents. And some of them are set up and built already as he really struggles to wait for things. So he is getting a scalectrix and a Lego airport which I will have built up before hand.

I also limit the amount of festive activities we do. Don't get bogged down by FOMO. We go to local events at places he has been before like the local church.

Obviously, some of this may not be appropriate for you! I just wanted to reach out when I saw your post!

@hiptobeasquare @UnderTheNameOfSanders
Oh thank you both for being so nice to me! I’d asked about setting boundaries for Christmas because it’s our first Christmas. LO sees my parents very regularly, they did all the training, follow all our advice etc but our in laws have barely seen them. They turn up for the ‘big’ occasions (turned up on the day LO came home and I had to send them away ) but don’t really listen to us and it’s so stressful. We just want a low key day playing with new toys and having some yummy food. I was basically just asking how to set that boundary because it’s something I feel quite nervous about.

I basically piled up on by most about how awful I am for excluding in laws on Christmas Day, how LO has to get used to it, I shouldn’t be so horrible. It was a really fun post haha!

No advice on managing ILs (deceased before we adopted), but I think low key sounds right.

One thing we have always done is make sure a new DVD is an early opened present. Then it gets watched in the morning e.g. 10-11:30 which is when my DPs tended to arrive. After lunch a trip to the playground & then some more chill TV or play. (My eldest was never actually any good playing with toys, but that's another story).

We also spread presents out, often holding things over to Boxing Day or later. We have quite a 'controlled' present opening too - no free for all grab and tear in our house.

My youngest is now 17, but she can get overwhelmed with too much noise / lights / whatever so we have always given her time to chill out and be antisocial if she needs it.

When it comes to IL we make the rules, they either get on board or they don't. For us it's whatever is best for our son and I don't care who I offend.

We sometimes use ear defenders and the iPad late morning for a bit of down time as well. Christmas DVD (or download) is a great idea by the previous poster.

I really try and keep Christmas Eve low-key as well so we do the same things every year, walk, painting, biscuits, film, tea. I try not to get them really excited so I don't do much Santa chat at bedtime. It's the normal boring routine, I usually read a Christmas story every night for a week. Like jolly Christmas postman. So not even the story is new.

@Noimaginationforaun, it’s lovely that you’ve had such great help and advice and I’m so sorry to hear of your previous experience; genuinely, only the people who ‘live’ adoption, can actually understand the manifold issues in my opinion.

One thing I thought I’d mention: my DD1 (now very nearly 14) and who came home when she was tiny, always seemed to fall ill on Christmas Eve. It was only when she was about four and woke up with screaming nightmares and a very high temperature that the truth came out: she was terrified by the stocking in her bedroom and the thought of Father Christmas creeping into her bedroom - (no history of SE/SA, just generic fears). To this day, all stockings and gifts are left in the sitting room.

Also, the issue of deep-seated shame means that my DD couldn’t cope with the whole naughty list/good list thing. Even now, I cannot joke about soot or ashes in the foot of the stocking.

These may sound like really obvious things to consider but they took me several years to unpick and I like to consider myself a well-attuned adoptive mum.

Smaug We had similar fears with DD1 who had her first Christmas with us when she was 8. She didn't like the idea of FC coming into her bedroom. So we left stockings in the conservatory and said 'Dad will bring them up if they are full when he goes to bed'. Makes all sorts of things so much easier.

[quote Noimaginationforaun]**@hiptobeasquare* @UnderTheNameOfSanders*
Oh thank you both for being so nice to me! I’d asked about setting boundaries for Christmas because it’s our first Christmas. LO sees my parents very regularly, they did all the training, follow all our advice etc but our in laws have barely seen them. They turn up for the ‘big’ occasions (turned up on the day LO came home and I had to send them away ) but don’t really listen to us and it’s so stressful. We just want a low key day playing with new toys and having some yummy food. I was basically just asking how to set that boundary because it’s something I feel quite nervous about.

I basically piled up on by most about how awful I am for excluding in laws on Christmas Day, how LO has to get used to it, I shouldn’t be so horrible. It was a really fun post haha![/quote]
It's not wise to post adoption related things on the main boards. Most people don't have a scooby.

@Noimaginationforaun I am really sorry to hear that you didnt get much Support from the xmas board here.

My AS (6) will be having his second xmas with me this year. We will be having a very minimal xmas and virtually on our own again after last year's Lockdown Xmas.

My son can't even cope with family gatherings atm - Sensory issues re noise, lots of people, food, plus lots of Attachment issues esp due to Lockdown really limiting seeing family in his First year here. So various xmas get togethers with the family is a no goer. Plus he needs his Routine staying the same.

We are going to my parents for a very low key xmas lunch, open a couple of presents and then go home. So at least I get a xmas lunch this year ! He will take a normal day to day cold lunch with him and will probably eat it on the floor watching tv !

Last xmas we had a tree and some decorations at home and he has made it very clear that he doesn't want them. He's thrilled with just having a felt xmas tree and an advent calendar this year. He says it will mean he has less Wobbles.

He has asked to see the xmas lights in the daytime this year as lights in the dark hurt him.

He has big anxiety about knowing what presents he's getting and of people coming into the house. He was petrified at the thought of Santa coming into the house when we are asleep. He has seen all his presents and is helping to wrap them up. I said that Father Xmas made them and that he asked Amazon to deliver them to us

Next xmas we will hopefully be able to do a bit more with the family.

I had really prepared for last xmas and did lots of very low key things but... I realised that for him he needed things to be REALLY low key as his many Sensory & Attachment issues became more apparent.

Obviously each family will be different but I know that there are lots of similar issues that Adopters have to deal with.

I found the first year... with all the firsts to be such a learning curve.

I think the most important thing is to do what your child/ren Need. And to stand firm in what you are doing as non Adopters often don't understand just how overwhelming xmas and the whole build up is for our kids.

I expect that there will be more Threads here re xmas in the coming weeks !

Take care and I hope everything goes well.

@Noimaginationforaun

I'm sorry that happened. Generally, I stick to discussing adoption related things with adopters, because they 'get it'.

We keep Christmas low key, and kept to December. Like others, mine need lots of reassurance that Santa comes WHATEVER, and that they DO deserve presents, and Christmas.

@readyforreindeers I’m sorry if you find talk of Christmas or alcohol triggering, however it’s fairly accepted wisdom in the world of trauma that it’s for individuals to learn to manage and cope with their own triggers, not least because no one can possibly know what someone else’s triggers are and you run the risk of no one posting anything. Maybe avoid threads which are obviously about Christmas?

It's difficult I guess because there aren't many spaces defined clearly as either solely for adopters or solely for adoptees. I know this is an issue on Reddit when the Adoption board is considered for adoptees, and adopters are not often welcome there - but it's not very clear. I suppose it speaks to the lack of understanding and specialised support that we're all of us used to, each part of the triad.

I do think the drinking jokes here are tongue in cheek, and usually in response to uncooperative in laws or professionals rather than our amazing children.

As for me I've never been much of one for Christmas, always found it overwhelming, and now my son gives me an excuse to keep it simple!

We're going to have a couple of presents in the morning and some pastries for breakfast, then chill and play/watch TV/snack until late morning when we'll walk over to my mum's house and hopefully LO will nap in the pushchair on the way. My mum is doing all the cooking and hates having help in the kitchen, so I'm just going to sit down for a bit 🤣 and then we'll walk home, maybe watch a film and go to bed!

@Noimaginationforaun I am really sorry that you interpreted this thread as meaning you shouldn't ask for support. This wasn't about the support threads, where people genuinely ask for support and get genuine support - please do start a thread if you need support. I am sorry if you had a difficult experience on the other Christmas threads.