How to support friends adopting 1 and 9 year old

[PainAuChocowhat]

Hello,

My friends are going through the process of adopting currently-13 month old and 9 year old siblings. Appreciate its not definite until it’s all finalised but, should the panel approve them in January, does anyone have any tips on how we could support them or any advise to give please? I have a 16 month old so can give some practical advice for the little one but that’s about the extent of my experience!

Don't say 'oh all children do that'.
Take the lead from the parents.
The 9yo may well act below their age.
Keep telling them they are doing a good job.

Just be there for them. Every adoption is different, the children may have (unidentified) additional needs. Totally agree with Sanders - do not say “oh, all children do that.” Be non-judgemental for the whole time; appreciate they may well have additional struggles that you aren’t even aware of. Sleep may be an issue - for 9 year old as well as 13 month old. If you are close enough to them - offer to babysit in six months time so she can go for a massage or hairdresser.

It’s v v hard adoption - wonderful but v hard.

Just be there for them, the first year if not two may prove challenging for them and they’re going to need you.
I’ll never forget the kindness of some of my friends in the early days. For example when dd wasn’t sleeping and I didn’t even have time to wash my hair in the first few months, my friend came to give me an hour off, she stayed downstairs playing with dd. I went for a shower and leisurely washed and dried my hair. Dd would pop her head round to make sure I was nearby and she played beautifully with my gorgeous friend while I had that big of me time. Complete bliss. It makes me want to cry when I think about that now.
You’ll find a way to support your friends in a special way too 💗

Bit not big! Bloomin corrective text!!

That is very kind of you to ask. She is lucky to have you.

You could listen to a podcast about adoption or read a book about it. The more people know about the effects of early trauma, the better. "No matter what" by Sally Donovan might be a good one for you, or "The Boy who was raised as a Dog" by Bruce Perry. You could also read up on attachment, since it also affects your child (in case you haven't already).

I find that most birth parents have a really hard time understanding that they are on a completely different playing field. That is no criticism, just an observation. It took my mother 9 years to fully understand that my children function differently to birth children. My sister and MIL still haven't got it. It is something to be aware of. You might not see it, but the parents will.

The little one will need much more attention than the 9 year old, but the 9 year old will most likely be just as needy. Maybe you could offer to play with your little one and the 13 months old to enable your friend to have some one on one time with the 9 year old?

Thanks all for your lovely replies. I’ll definitely take this all onboard and start listening to podcasts! They’re both wonderfully compassionate and in jobs which mean they’re calm under pressure which I think is certainly a big step in the right direction.

I would say - and I’m sure you will- is treat it like you would if a friend gave birth eg send a congratulations card, Cook/bake something if you can. A present for the children might be a bit triggering in the early days but parents will appreciate a gift-some pampering stuff or something practical. Two children of different ages will cost a fortune as no hand me downs from one to the other initially. You sound like a lovely friend!

I agree with everything said, just being there is so
Important I have 2 boys I adopted and that offer of just being able to shower or drink a hot drink is priceless..

I love the idea of building sole relationships with each child to allow parents to have special time to do other the other whilst you help would be great.

What a lovely friend you are.

For me it was having someone with a child of a similar age to meet up with in the park. When I adopted my oldest at 13 months all the parents of my age seemed to have gone back to work at least part time and the children were all being looked after by grandparents or the only day a get together could happen was on a SW visit day.

I think my main advice would be that all adopted children are different, even if they have experienced neglect and abuse there will be many variables, and the effect on the child can differ enormously. The same for adopters, and I think chatting to your friend direct between now and Jan about how she sees things and what she wants would be best