Potential adopter but still trying to date

[soontobegreen]

Please be gentle, I'm not a horrible person!

I am about to enter the adoption process in that I've been approved to start stage 1 soon as a single adopter. I'm waiting for a social worker to be free, been waiting 3 months, but will hopefully start next year (I'm desperate to start, but the delays are horrendous so I'm just happy to get in the queue at least!).

I'm using a dating app, very casually in that I rarely meet up with anyone, but I do occasionally go on first and rarely second dates.

I am now entering 4th territory with a lovely guy. (There is zero chance I will have children naturally btw).
Assuming we carry on dating, and go on to be in a relationship do I disclose this what I consider private information?
I am a very honest and open person, but I am also aware as a solo parent dating will be very very low on my list of priorities, so selfishly I want to date now while I can.

My friends think I will scare any guys off if I talk about adoption (I want to be a solo adopter, I'm not looking for someone to adopt with.)

I'm guessing the adoption process will likely take 2 years based on my agencies predictions.

The guy I'm 'dating' has a child and doesn't want more.

I’m not sure I know what 4 th territory is , but never mind.
I’m a single adopter.

Personally I think its fundamentally dishonest not to tell. Surely your desire to be a mum is fundamental to who you are - how could you not tell someone you are in a relationship with?
What if he is looking for a serious, committed relationship - you are just leading him on.
And how on earth do you keep it a secret anyway. At what point would you tell? when a child comes home.

Fine to go on dating casually but if you aren’t honest about this then you are setting yourself up for a whole heap of trouble and causing great hurt to another person.
You also need to take into account that you cannot adopt as a single person if you do in fact have a partner

Of course you need to tell him, unless you're very upfront about wanting only a very casual relationship and even then you should as you'll have to end it once you progress with the assessment. You can't be assessed as a solo adopter if you're in the early stages of a relationship. You'll have to rethink everything.

I'm a single Adopter too. To begin and go through the Assessment as a single adopter you have to be single. SW's would take an extremely dim view of anything that's been kept hidden. They would almost certainly just stop the process.

They need to be confident that the single person they are assessing is 100% committed to adoption as a single person as it costs them so much in time and money. And any child/ren need a very clear and stable home environment.

The Assessment process is long, very intense and very invasive. It was like having another full time job. I barely had time or energy for my closest family/friends let alone dating. That was just the actual Assessment process - the easy bit.

You need to decide what is more important - to date or to adopt. You cant do both once you start Stage 1. And many people need to wait years before they start dating/even contemplating a relationship after adopting as a single person.

Sorry if this sounds blunt but this is the reality.

I dated while I was going through the process. I told my SW it was just casually and I wasn’t looking for a relationship (all true) and she insisted I use condoms in case I got pregnant! 🤣 (which of course would have been a disaster for me).

More of a disaster was falling for the guy I was dating. It ended before placement and I was pretty cut up about it but it was brilliant sex at the time and given I’ve not been anywhere near a man for 18 months I’m pleased to have fond memories.

You don’t have to tell your SW about dating and you certainly don’t have to tell them everything (I didn’t). I was very honest with my SW but if she didn’t ask I didn’t tell and that was that. Make hay while the sun shines.

Are you talking about telling the guy about adoption or the agency that you’re dating, or both?

I think unless it’s very casual, not telling the guy is deceitful in that your withholding information that might influence whether he wanted to be in a relationship with you, aside from which the process will take a huge part of your time and headspace - I can’t imagine keeping that from someone.

Again with sw unless it really is casual, I’d talk to them about it because they can’t assess you as a single adoptee if you’re not in fact single, and someone who is serial dating could potentially bring men who pose a risk to potential children.

It is intensely personal information, but the adoption progress is intensely personal and you won’t get far withholding relevant information on the grounds you consider it private.

In saying that, I fully agree with “make hay while the sun shines”

Well, you could carry on dating this guy until a social worker is available in the new year. If things go well with him though you would have to make a choice between a relationship with him and being assessed for adoption. You can't be assessed as a single adopter if you're in a relationship. And rules aside, you need to be completely committed to the process and any kind of relationship will completely muddy the water in how you go through the assessment. If you know that you want to go ahead with adopting regardless of how things pan out then it would be kinder to him to put the brakes on before things get too serious. In your shoes I'd give it a couple of weeks of making hay and then gently bring up the reasons why there will need to be an end date.

I'm in team 'make hay while the sun shines'. If adoption is your plan, then you can't get into a relationship right now. But things happen, and it's no good going in to adoption with a 'what if'. You're applying to be a mum, not a nun. I think you do need to be honest with the partner, that this isn't a long term thing.

I'm also on team 'treat it like a job interview'- they want to know you're not in a relationship. FwB isn't a relationship, neither is casual dating until your child comes home. When your child is home, you won't have time or energy. Don't like to the SW, but they also don't need to know all your bedroom antics either. You should use contraception.

whilst I don’t have a problem with making hay whether the sun is shining or not, I do think you have to be honest with the people you are dating.

Its just playing with their emotions and just plain wrong. Fine if you want to take the risk that your feelings about someone may change but you don’t have the right to make that decision for someone else

Of course, you should be clear with your partner. But it's quite normal not to chat kids, and level of commitment, on the first date. Or 4th date. The fourth date is still getting to know each other, if someone's getting overly emotionally invested on a fourth date, that's on them, and a bit much.

@gordongrumpy

The OP already knows that this man does not want more children. I would imagine part of the reason he is interested is that she has no children.
Therefore its fundamentally dishonest of her not to tell him.

Interesting to note that he already has his cards on the table re not wanting more children. Now I'm curious how you responded. That could have been your way in to say something like 'I've always thought I'd probably adopt some day.' which doesn't sound too heavy but plants a seed for later discussion.

I don’t think its that unsual for people using dating sites to have a good idea about children.
I think many women who use them would appreciate men being clear about this and not be strung along.
The op is clear that she wants children, he is clear that he doesn’t. The difference is that one is being up front about it. I know which I’d prefer

I agree with @Ted27, it’s one thing to not be sure or clear about kids but if you’re starting the adoption process I think it’s disingenuous not to share that with someone you’re starting dating. Not only do you know you want kids, you’re actively working on it and in a way that would limit the potential for any relationship.

It’s unfair for him not to have the choice to not invest in something short term when she knows already she doesn’t want anything more. He may be happy to have a short term casual thing, but he might not be and should be able to make an informed choice about it.

Can you come at this from the angle

" I need to let you know this is just friendship for me. It's fun but I have a boundary and its this. I am in the process of applying to adopt as a single parent. This means that I have no plans at all for a longterm or committed relationship.

How can you not be in a Long term committed relationship? My BF both have kids and so have no plans to live together.

*my BF and I

@Keepitonthedownlow

How can you not be in a Long term committed relationship? My BF both have kids and so have no plans to live together.

Because she's being assessed to adopt! Whether she's in a relationship or not is very relevant.