Burnout and feeling disconnected from my son :(

[caydeemarie]

Lately I've been feeling really burnt out and I can feel my relationship with my son slipping. He's 3 and has been placed with me for 2 years. During lockdown things were actually great because staying at home together all the time seems to be what he needs. He loves being at home and gets very tired/overwhelmed by going out too much. Our relationship was brilliant. But now DS is struggling with things opening back up and also, I think, with me being less available. I transitioned him gradually to re-entering the world but he seems to have a low threshold for what he can handle. His sleep is all out of whack, he wakes up in the middle of the night then wakes up between 4-5am ready to play whereas previously he was sleeping through the night. In foster care he was described as a happy, sociable boy - since lockdown he doesn't want to go anywhere.

My mum has had him for a few odd days and a sleepover (first one ever without me!) because I really needed a break, it was lovely but the fallout the next day almost made it not worth it. He was very rejecting, we had loads more meltdowns and violent outbursts afterwards. I thought I had prepared him well because we'd already slept there together and spent time together with her, I gave him a special toy to "look after" for me, and I explained I'd be coming back and I brought him a present when I picked him up. We read The Invisible String lots of times in the run up and drew hearts on each other. And he adores my mum!

I'm turning into the type of parent I never wanted to be; I keep snapping at him, I haven't been playing as much and I look at my phone all the time. I'm just so tired!! I'd love for him to have more regular sleepovers at his nanny's house!

I've had at him at home for the past week and not gone anywhere, we've had a lot of film and snacks, a lot of screen time. Too much maybe?! He doesn't really like cuddles, although he'll snuggle when he's tired. He loves physical play but man, I'm physically and mentally exhausted and extended physical play is hard. I do maybe 30 minutes a day of physical play like piggyback, horse riding, swinging him around etc.

We have been playing hide and seek and playing Lego together, reading books, building towers, and some theraplay activities. Today we went out for a walk with my brother and DS didn't want to go but he enjoyed it when we were there. Now he's had an early night.

Idk how to transition him back to the world and use my support network properly but equally I'm turning into a horrible parent, not a therapeutic one! The house is a tip and my self care is down the pan, it's literally been weeks since I had a shower (I know that's disgusting) although I have got in the bath with him so I'm not completely dirty 😅 I can't afford a cleaner although I'm tempted to have my mum over to clean!

Idk what this post is for but just getting it out I guess. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far!!

I would:
embrace the snuggle screen time, cebbies is your friend, enjoy this time together as good for you both, you get rest and he gets closeness with you.
Dont do sleepovers, but do fun time for him at your mums where he gets to spend time there but you go to her bedroom and sleep yourself, so its a time for you to properly rest and he gets fun time without it being a big deal sleepover. (Ive never had mine have a sleepover and they are 8 &6).
Play alot of musical bumps - you get to sit and play music where he burns of energy and its fun.
Get a trampoline indoor or outdoor if you havent already. have him use it every day.
You havent mentioned nursery? Could be time to think about it?
Dont worry about the state of the house at all, there will be a time to clean when hes older, there are other priorities now. Maybe get your mum over to clean.
I would have a slow easy routine so you can get out to the same thing thats easy every day like the park, so its gentle on him and its always the same, nice and easy, always same time, just the routine, so you can both get out in a way thats always the same & same time.

These may not be helpful thoughts at all for your situation, but it sounds really hard and these are the things id do for me, you may well be doing them already or they may not work for you, but just my thoughts about how id manage. Mostly, you need some rest so you can care for yourself so you can care for him. It will improve in time for sure.

That all sounds exhausting ! Single mum? me too - it can be very intense.

I think I’d start very small, instead of him going overnight to your mum, can she come round to you, start with an hour, with you in the house in another room, build it up so she takes him out for a walk so he very gradually increases the time away from you. Maybe aim to have a sleepover at your house first, so nanny gives him tea, puts him to bed and you go out for the evening.
Think about getting a small trampoline, jumping takes a lot of energy.
My son was older and my family not local so I would grab any half hour I could - does he like swimming ? Once my son was settled in lessons I ran up to the coffee shop - it was only half an hour but bliss! I was the only mum not poolside but I needed the break more.
Sadly he won’t be the only child struggling with the impact of lockdowns. If he is only 3 then most of his life experience is of a world with masked people, social distancing and all the rest of it, you have been the centre of his world even more so than usual - it must all be very confusing
We all are doing a lot better at this mum thing than we think we are - including you

Very short on time but single mother here too. I hear you! Outside of nursery (when unfortunately I’m working) the only alone time I get is at soft play. Do you have one nearby? It’s physical and involves other children (for them), you can have a book, earplugs and coffee (for you).

Sorry you are having a tough time. You mention using your support network more. If your mum is willing to do some cleaning for you, then go for it! Or, maybe she could arrange a regular time to come over and look after your little one while you get on top of the housework?
The physical play is the kind of thing my son loves too but that I also find exhausting. As my little boy has got bigger I've found I just don't have the strength to do piggybacks or lifting for too long. I take him swimming a lot where the water allows me to lift him easily and is great for our bonding. My husband does quite a bit of the piggyback type stuff. Could you rope your brother in for that?

As for the effects of the last 20 months, I think that's only beginning to become apparent on our tiny ones. My little boy was 2 when we went into the first lockdown. Our weekly routine consisted of lots of stay and play groups where he had built up confidence around other children and mums that we had built friendships with. Then overnight it all stopped with the first lockdown. Routine had always been key to our life so we gradually made a new lockdown routine and found (as you did OP) that it worked pretty well. Then some things started to open up again but it was patchy. During the third lockdown, I decided for all our sanities, that nursery might be good (wouldn't shut if there was another lockdown, little one would be getting some socialisation and I'd get some respite). I think the time I made this decision my little one was probably a similar age to yours is now and I remember how intense it all was (limited language and understanding at that age, coupled with a growing awareness of sense of self!) However, a couple of incidents at nursery, seem to have triggered massive anxiety so I've now withdrawn him and have a child who has less confidence than a few months ago. I'd thought the anxiety was all due to early trauma but having written this, I think lockdown and so much uncertainty in the past year has also contributed. I suppose I'm sharing that to show the possible impact on a child a similar age to yours.

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job (even if you don't feel it yourself at the moment). All the games you mention about playing, the prep you did for the sleepover at your mum's and your awareness of the effect all this is having on you will help you to get through this tough time. Don't be afraid to share with your support network and ask for the help you need.

My youngest (7) is really struggling at the moment too, especially with going to school. Someone in her class has COVID and after lots of challenging behaviour, she eventually told me that she is worried about going to school because she doesn’t want to catch it. COVID has added another layer of anxiety to her already anxiety filled life. I totally understand what you’re saying - it’s exhausting. Xxx

I would:

• ditch the idea of sleepovers until he is much older, until he asks for it in fact.
• go out for long walks more often where there are fewer people, if he gets stressed by too many people. The walks are very good for him and will be better for you and your mental health than you think.
• connect with him doing things he enjoys such as reading with him and sitting and playing cars
• does he have a ride on? you can sit with a cuppa while he rides around
• ditch as much tv as possible
• tidy up if that helps your state of mind (it does mine!), get your mother to come and help supervise him while you whizz round like a pro

Sorry you are struggling.

We had some Theraplay (a specific kind of play therapy) which really helped when our adopted son was 6

I expect things will sort out but if not, ask for some support, post-adoption support from your local authority or adoption agency.

Agree with crackooos
"I would:

• ditch the idea of sleepovers until he is much older, until he asks for it in fact."

And the other good advice about walks and shared games and not too much TV.

Our adopted son came at 3 (almost 4) and did not have a night without us for about 4 years. Although he did have a night at grandparents with us and where we came in late and went out early so it was like staying overnight without us! His sister was with him so maybe that made it easier.

My older child got very ill a few years ago and this has negatively impacted my relationship with our adopted son. I've been doing a bit of love bombing and trying to rebuild things with son. He is now 11 and has been with us for coming up to 8 years.

Good luck, lots of good advice on these pages.

I haven't had time to reply but wanted to say thank you for all your good (if sometimes contradicting each other!) Advice. I feel so guilty sometimes about all my choices with him.

Re the sleepovers, we have previously slept there together a number of times before we tried it. He has his own room there and stuff. I feel bad for trying it now. We've since been together again which was really nice and in the morning my mum took him to the park so I could have a shower!!!

I love my mum and she is great with my son but she can be a bit judgy about my housekeeping ("I kept the house tidy when I was at home with you two!") So I don't invite her round that often... Although she does clean when she's here is!! Time to swallow my pride and accept a free cleaning up along with being told off lol.

I've been getting out of the house more with him and he has been sleeping until 7am which is great!! Today we went for a train ride which was actually a bit of a disaster as he was a bit scared on the train and no cafés were open, and I hadn't checked the tide times so we couldn't actually go on the beach... Tomorrow we'll go for a walk weather permitting.

This time last year was the exact same thing so I think it partly is that time of year, neither of us are Christmas fans... Just have to remember for next year.

@mahrezzy your comment about soft play has blown my mind because I didn't think you could leave them unsupervised, I've been going and following him around non stop - could I actually have been sitting down with a coffee?! I have set the precedent now so I'll have to do some work on that 😅

@caydeemarie yes you can just sit there! Have a coffee and some cake. Leave the wee one to go and explore but put him in a brightly coloured t shirt so you can spot him easily! Otherwise, sit down and take a breath. Same at the park. As long as the equipment is age appropriate and contained there is no need to follow the wee one.

Sounds like things are going well. Take any help you can. Dinners out, takeaways. Also, if you are out, you don’t need to tidy as much. You need to let standards slip when you have a little one (don’t bother ironing for instance!)

Oh and take lots of photos. They are nice to look back on even on the disaster days (look at you on the train. You were so excited about going to the beach and silly mum forgot to check the tide times. Oops! But we still had a nice time).

Time to make some memories.

Ps weather always permits, you just need the right outdoor clothing.