Bed wetting for attention???

[Noodles40]

Hi, looking for advice please. Our 4 year old is going through a phase of bed wetting but only when in pants. If he wears pull ups he is dry and gets up to use the toilet when he wakes up in the morning. After a few nights of 3-4am bed sheet changing we use pull-ups to give us all a good nights sleep and he never likes to wear them but is ALWAYS dry all night. As soon as we go back to pants he had an accident. He previously was dry for weeks at a time with only the odd accident. He now seems to like coming in and waking us up to change him/bedding. Could this be attention seeking rather than an accident or am I just being harsh?! Everything is attention related with him, the more we give the more he wants🤷‍♀️

I’m not sure, but my 5 year old occasionally has phases of bed wetting and it’s usually at the end of half term…we’ve put it down to her being extra tired from school (we think she falls into a deeper sleep quicker). When we go into a ‘phase’ we just put her in pull ups to take the pressure off all of us (we’re both mid 40’s and don’t operate very well on lack of sleep!) - she doesn’t mind wearing pull-ups either though. Our two also have quiet time in their bedrooms before sleep, so we do remind her to go to toilet before lights out, this usually stops any accidents. If he’s not at school, has nursery time increased, anything else changed? I think the change in season can also a big impact. When it comes to things like this, I’d always recommend keeping a diary of things going on, stuff you’ve done, anything out of the ordinary - it’s surprising what you can summarise by keeping a note of stuff that’s going on.

Just thinking, the pull up Vs pant thing, could be because pull ups are a bit tighter than pants - so maybe he’s a bit more conscious of needing the toilet??

My DD will wet the bed if not wearing knickers so similar sort of thing and she always has a wee before bed.

Putting any possible previous trauma or behaviours aside for a minute, there is a theory that being able to not wet the bed is purely a matter of physical bladder size and up to 5 or 6 years before they can not wet the bed can be entirely normal.

Thanks for your help, he has gone to bed in pull ups tonight and think we will continue for a while and hope things naturally settle back down. Seems to be one step forward and one step back, he has only been with us for 7 months so we are still in early days!

7 months! You must be shattered too!! You are doing great. If pull ups become a problem, layer the bed with waterproof sheet, cotton sheet, waterproof sheet, cotton sheet - so even if you are half asleep you can just take a few layers off and get back to bed. Just do whatever keeps as much pressure off and whatever allows you all to get a decent nights sleep. It will/does get better!!

I think it's unlikely he's doing it on purpose, even if he may find some satisfaction in waking you up and the attention it brings. I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt and just remain neutral and get the bed change done quickly. Staying dry overnight is something children often regress on and it's not unusual to be dry for a while but then have a run of accidents. If he's reluctant to wear a pull up focus on why it's better for him rather than better for you. Remind him that it's so he can get a good night's sleep and so he won't wake up in soggy pyjamas.

The theory that a child does something just for attention and therefore should be ignored is outdated, I think. The way it is seen now is that behaviour is communication. If you think he wants more attention when you pay him a lot of attention, is he communicating that he needs help with something?

I think it is unlikely he is bedwetting on purpose. However, if he is, it would mean he would either have to be lying there awake and then deciding to wee, or waking up and then deciding to wee on purpose, and if that were the case I would be really worried about that. It would indicate he needs more time and attention as far as I am aware.

If he isn't doing it on purpose would he want to try one of the alarms you can get instead of pullups (which he has said he does not want to wear)? The alarm pins to the pants and goes off at the first drop of moisture.

Maybe try to take him to the toilet, in the middle of the night, and before you go to bed. Also monitor and limit how much he has to drink in the late afternoon/evening, and try to keep him well hydrated in the morning/early afternoon. For example, our kids sometimes wet their beds if they eat soup for dinner and also drink water. If they eat soup we normally take them to the toilet before we (adults) go to bed.

It is interesting you mention limiting intake, JohnPA, as that seems to be an intuitive thing too do, but if you look it up the expert advice is strongly against limiting intake, for various reasons (which are explained).

Could it be that he's also not ready to be dry at night? I read Potty training for boys when we started potty training and it said some children won't be dry at night until at least a year after they've been dry in the day. Then factor in the change your little one has experienced since coming to you plus previous life experiences maybe a bit of regression in potty training could be expected.

If it offers any solidarity; potty training for our 4 year old is certainly not going by the book and I think we will be a long way off getting out of pull-ups at night and we still deal with daytime wetting and soiling incidents every so often!

By limiting intake of water at night, I meant giving them plenty of water throughout the day so that they don’t feel the need to drink loads of water before bedtime. When my kids drink plenty of water throughout the day, they don’t feel thirsty at night and don’t drink too much water in the evening (maybe just a small glass during dinner time). I think the same applies to us adults. :)

Lots to drink during the day is a good idea, but I think that there has always been this idea that to try to discourage too much liquid at night was a good idea if bedwetting was possible, and the guidance says that in fact regulating how much children drink at bedtime is not a good idea from the point of view of the child's body and comfort and health/mind generally but also does not do anything to help prevent bedwetting, because the bedwetting is to do with hormones not amount of liquid, or something like that.

It’s absolutely possible he’s doing it on purpose. Mine did. She did it in the day too. Attention seeking and control.

Literally she’d be dry, then you’d say that no she can’t do whatever and then she’d be wet. We called them protest wees. Sometimes you’d see her actually trying to squeeze a wee out.

So just because you or I wouldn’t do it, or because it doesn’t make much sense, doesn’t mean it doesn’t make sense to him.

tldr I think people thought it was unlikely it is happening in the middle of the night with a 4 year old, because they are usually fast asleep and too groggy to be hatching plans, and if they were not fast asleep or too groggy then that would be very worrying. If it were on purpose the behaviour is communication that something is wrong, the child is distressed, etc.

I can well believe it would happen during the day though again, this would be communication, the child is distressed, in fight or flight, there was a reason behind it. The behavior which appears to be attention seeking or controlling is a symptom not the cause?

I was looking at some resources for parents of traumatised children recently and came across a bit aboutunderstanding what appears to be "attention seeking" behaviour by reframing it as "attachment seeking" behaviour.