Divorce with adopted children

[IknowwhatIneed]

I’ve name changed for this but am a regular on the adoption boards.

I’m coming to realise that my marriage is over. No big blow outs, abuse or affairs, just a long slow erosion of the relationship and really I want to be done. We have two D.C. placed 4 years ago both in primary school. My eldest has a lot of issues relating to early trauma, my youngest has issues around attachment and relationships. I feel hugely guilty about the disruption I’m about to visit on them, and so worried about the impact on them, but I’m slowly dying inside.

How do I do this and best support my kids? Am I hugely selfish for not just staying with it? How the hell do I do the single parent thing? I never envisioned myself in this situation.

Anyone been through divorce with adopted children?

You could have described my relationship.

I wrestle with this decision all the time but always come back to feeling that DD just wouldn’t cope at all.

I’d be interested to know what others think.

I know what you mean, and I fear that too but I can see me falling into resentment and anger - I don’t want that to be my relationship for the next however many years, and I can’t think it would be good for the kids either. I guess I have more confidence in my ability to help them through it than I do have in my ability to live happily or even civilly with my DH, which isn’t fair to him - he’s a good, honourable man, I just can’t live with him any more.

Do you think having the kids has made things worse? I sometimes do, but it’s complicated because they’re the best thing about ‘us’ at the moment.

I don't really have any advice, I haven't been in this situation. I hope someone more knowledgeable comes along soon.
A couple of my thoughts though. Is you husband on the same page as your regarding a potential split? If so I'd suggest approaching a counsellor - one who specialises in adoption - and ask their advice before doing anything. And I'd suggest having a firm plan in place as regards to houses/schedule in place again before you approach the subject with them.
I have a friend who went through a divorce with adopted children and it disastrous, I'm not saying that to worry you any more than you clearly are already, but one of the major issues for the children seems to have been that it was all 'played by ear' and the nothing was firmly decided - dad for example moved twice from a flat to a house and without much warning and the children just couldn't cope.

@Mama1980 good advice, I think clear plans and predictable moves are the way to go. My DH doesn’t know I want to split yet, I’m in that place of knowing but trying to work out how i tell him and how we then split. He won’t be on board with the idea though, he likes being married despite there being absolutely no intimacy or connection between us.

@Rainallnight I don’t think kids have made it worse, the challenges are different but I don’t think it’s worse because of them - I should have left long before the kids arrived (except then I wouldn’t have them).

@IknowwhatIneed
This is very tough for you. Do you think there are any changes that could be made in your marriage that would allow you to feel happier and want to try and work at the marriage? If there is, counselling could help. It can also help even if you know that you definitely want to separate but want to be able to do it in a positive, amicable way. I have friends going through something similar at the money. They have huge issues but the counselling really is making a difference to them. Perhaps it can for you

A lot depends on how you and your husband end up doing the divorce. Amicable, if possible very friendly and good terms with each other's future partners, joined special days where you all get on, good communication and well organised in relation to day to day things, reliable, predictable, good conflict resolution, all these things would go a long way to maintaining happiness and stability for them.

In relation to residency vs contact, to put children's needs absolutely first, both of you able to discuss and agree these things

In relation to children with past trauma and attachment problems, being able to talk regularly with them about all the relevant issues around what constitutes a healthy relationship, why and when they might break down and coping and processing, how to choose and be in relationships and friendships and how to work on relationships and connection and intimacy and why that didn't happen using your insights from your situation to help them benefit and do well in their future relationship choices.

I’m really hoping we can be amicable - after the dust settles - and work together but I only have control over my side of that. He’s a good, honourable man and I guess I’m relying on those qualities to make him want to put the kids needs first. I guess though I’ve also seen an angry side which can be quite petty minded and awkward, so I know it may not work the way I hope.

All I can do is make the decision to split and then deal with whatever the fall out may be.

I really do think you should seek therapy, for yourself initially, and then with your partner.

You are also fully entitled to apply for assessments and therapy for the whole family with regard to the children's needs. That fund is open to you as a family. Every year, repeatedly.

Make use of it.

You sound tired and perhaps a little resentful of your partner and I noticed you mention often he is a good man. So there is love, but perhaps not the time and space to talk. I hope you have found that space.

With regards to the children. They will not recover from a seperation and a divorce. You are deluding yourself if you believe it to be so. You have openly acknowledged they have deeply engrained trauma that is still evident. Think carefully about your actions and what will come of that.

I wish you well.

@Hope358

you have resurrected yet another old thread, and again are offering very unhelpful advice.
Please don't try and pile guilt on, you have no idea how the children will respond. Yes they will find it hard but you cannot suggest they will never recover.
Divorce amongst adoptive couples is hardly rare.

Not greatly helpful @Hope358, the adoption support fund isn’t applicable in my part of the U.K. however I’m fully able to access any therapeutic support I or my kids may need. Therapy won’t however change the fact that my marriage is ending. I don’t need to be told to think about my actions - how very patronising to suggest I haven’t done so and so have came to this decision with great consideration.

Children are impacted by separation and divorce, of course they are but to state they will be irrevocably harmed is short sighted and limiting to say the least. How to limit the impact and move forward positively is my primary concern hence asking here, not whether you or anyone else thinks I should continue to work on my marriage. You have no idea what’s gone before or how long it’s taken to get to this point so I’d suggest you reserve judgement and keep your patronising advice for someone who values it.

If you were only looking for agreement on your choices perhaps you should have worded your post differently.

The children were placed with you on the premise that as a couple you could provide them with a stable home for life.

You were not assessed as a single applicant.

You wanted to adopt. You wanted a ' family'. That hasn't met your expectations so you are divorcing your husband.

Good luck.

And Ted. Not your thread to comment on and make generalised negative comments about me.

If what, as a distinct group, adopters on this public forum actually only desire to have the own egotistical wishes and beliefs supported, I suggest you set up a closed group in which you can self congratulate each other.

I asked about how to support my children through separation, I didn’t ask for advice about whether I should separate - if you can’t respond to the actual question asked maybe you should set up a closed group for people who want your unsolicited opinion on things they haven’t asked.

@Hope358

I am as free to comment on this post as you are.

iknowwhatineed your opening post was quite widely worded and hope isn't the first poster to give similar advice to you.

I think both you and ted give good advice and support to most posters, but you both can be very rude and disrespectful to posters you don't like or who you think "deserve" it. It is not on.

@forgottentimes

I have not been rude or uncivil.The op posted for support, not to be sent on a guilt trip, none of us need that.

I wish you would reconsider, op.