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Adoption

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Having a tough time

13 replies

Minnie888 · 23/10/2021 18:06

Hi all. Looking for any advice around starts to school specifically reception.

Our little boy 4.5 started in September and has been ok, but these last two weeks have been incredibly difficult. He has always been ‘handsy’ with other children but doesn’t seem to grow out of it. Now he is getting comfortable at school it is coming out again but worse than that is a lot of anger too. Anger that appears to be for no reason (though we know it is usually linked to frustration). Teacher is struggling where the anger comes from nowhere. They have a traffic light system that makes no difference, he has been on a reward chart that makes no difference and has been to see the head twice now.

At home he is like a different child with tantrums they are on another level. The physicality is awful, he will hit out and try to hurt us on purpose. We’ve tried to let him show it doesn’t affect us, we have tried consequences and we’ve tried talking to him afterwards many times, therapeutic parenting but none of it feels it makes a difference. We are kind of close to our wits end and don’t know where to turn. Is it a phase or worse?

He does have night terrors and general sleep issues, we suspect sleep apnoea which we finally have an appointment for but nothing is quick. I dread the tantrums they are so exhausting. Sleep will be contributing. I’m worried he’ll alienate all his new friends at school who are already telling the teacher he hits when he hasn’t and telling me in the queue into school. It feels awful.

Any advice or similar experiences welcome.

OP posts:
UnderTheNameOfSanders · 24/10/2021 08:37

Wiser people than I will be along in a while.
But in the meantime

  • how long has he been with you
  • what is his speech like (can he communicate feelings in words)
  • have you got post adoption support involved
  • should you be applying for an EHCP
UnderTheNameOfSanders · 24/10/2021 08:52

Traffic lights and rewards systems are unlikely to work if he hasn't got the skills to manage his emotions.
If he can't cope well at home with just you, a class of 30 and being asked to do things that maybe he struggles with, plus tiredness, are going to be overwhelming.

Did he go to nursery at all? How did he cope there?

Jellycatspyjamas · 24/10/2021 09:56

Traffic light and warning systems are disastrous for adopted children, I’d be speaking to the school about positive behaviour management systems for a start. I’m short on time but there are loads of things to think about for him so I’ll pop back later but generally I’d guess school is too overwhelming, he can’t self regulate but has to behave, feels shame for not being able to manage and so the hitting starts.

If you do a search on here you’ll find good strategies for school but I’ll come back when I have more time.

Minnie888 · 25/10/2021 07:05

@UnderTheNameOfSanders

Wiser people than I will be along in a while. But in the meantime
  • how long has he been with you
  • what is his speech like (can he communicate feelings in words)
  • have you got post adoption support involved
  • should you be applying for an EHCP
He has been with us for 4 years since he was 8 months old. No major speech issues but struggles to understand feelings and emotions I think. Would you believe we have tired called post adoption support and consistently get a voicemail (we have left a message) from the supposed duty line? Sad no ECHP can you tell me what that is?
OP posts:
Minnie888 · 25/10/2021 07:07

@UnderTheNameOfSanders

Traffic lights and rewards systems are unlikely to work if he hasn't got the skills to manage his emotions. If he can't cope well at home with just you, a class of 30 and being asked to do things that maybe he struggles with, plus tiredness, are going to be overwhelming.

Did he go to nursery at all? How did he cope there?

Similar at nursery with the hands. The only change at school has been doing angry things like kicking something which he never did at nursery. It's the tantrums at home that have escalated to a level we don't recognise. It's hard to know how to respond to them. This has really only happened in the last few weeks so we haven't managed to get help engaged yet
OP posts:
Minnie888 · 25/10/2021 07:07

@Jellycatspyjamas

Traffic light and warning systems are disastrous for adopted children, I’d be speaking to the school about positive behaviour management systems for a start. I’m short on time but there are loads of things to think about for him so I’ll pop back later but generally I’d guess school is too overwhelming, he can’t self regulate but has to behave, feels shame for not being able to manage and so the hitting starts.

If you do a search on here you’ll find good strategies for school but I’ll come back when I have more time.

That's jellycat that would help
OP posts:
UnderTheNameOfSanders · 25/10/2021 07:38

An EHCP is an Education and Health Care Plan and is used when a child has needs that cannot be met by the school within their normal budget. (Used to be called a 'statement'). We are currently going through it for our AD2 who is 17.

You have to show
a) needs and b) that school can't meet the needs to get an assessment, and then they get people like Educational Psychiatrists involved to work out a plan going forward. If an EHCP is granted it comes with funding. e.g. For you a 1-1 might be a good start who can remove him before trouble starts...

I am new to this side so don't know whether he would qualify, or very much about the process, the SN Chat board is very helpful though.

How is the school using the enhanced Pupil Premium he gets? Can they send a member of staff on a training course (though what I don't know)?

Jacketpandbeans · 26/10/2021 10:08

A course on attachment and early trauma would be a good start for school staff (we're currently doing one with our agency who also train schools which is how I am learning about all of this!) School needs to spend some time identifying the triggers for hitting (Is it in class time? Play time? Moving to dining hall? etc) and then look at strategies to step in before things escalate. Strategies could be a key adult who checks in with your child at these times and could do some calming things with them. Key adult needs to be someone consistent who your child trusts/can build up their trust. School also need to recognise that when your child reacts, they are very likely feeling unsafe which is related to their early life experiences (even those pre-birth). Schools (like all services) are stretched but as @UnderTheNameOfSanders mentioned, they will be getting pupil premium plus. Ask to meet with SENCO to come up with a plan to support your child together that doesn't involve a behaviour chart!

parkaseverywhere · 27/10/2021 21:28

Traffic lights and similar systems can work for children who have some control over what they are doing and are motivated by reward, but they are not so good for children who are basically responding in panic or overreacting because they have fallen out of their "window of tolerance". I have linked the Beacon House UK video which explains the about what is referred to as the window of tolerance, that when within it children feel good, at their personal best, calm, relaxed, able to play and learn, but when not in their window of tolerance - not calm - children may appear or be aggressive etc - and also how to help them back in and expand their window of tolerance over time by talking about feelings. It might be worth sending the head and the teacher the video or explaining to them what it says, and explaining that helping your dc calm down and reassurance is more likely to be productive in relation to behaviour - that might be getting down on his level and reassuring him, saying "we can be calm", or whatever strategy you have which works. If the teachers and the children see positive changes from helping your dc be calm rather than using punishment or consequences or traffic lights that will help with interactions at school. It will become easier to see where his triggers are too.

In relation to at home, pretending you don't care about the hitting or using consequences may in fact make worse because it makes your dc feel less connected and therefore more in fear which shows as anger. Staying connected and reassuring your dc with words and talking about his specific feelings as well as about feelings in general, and doing things which will help calm his nervous system, whether it be walking or banging a drum, might all help. The most important thing is that he feels you have his back and that you will help. Consciously spending time with him doing something he enjoys at the weekend, whether it be dinosaurs or animals, will help. When you do find him calm and happy make sure he knows the word to associate with the happy feeling - "you seem calm and happy"

Also teaching him about expectations ie "we don't hit" a lot so that that is firmly there in his consciousness as that will help over time, when he raises his hand to hit he will remember the rules and do his best to follow them, and teach him alternative ways of dealing with anger or fear using words, such as saying "I feel angry" or "please don't do that" - it is a question of repetition.

His self control is likely to be behind his peers (of 4 - 5 years) but by doing the above consistently he can catch up, consistently going in the right directon is more important than catching up speedily.

He may enjoy watching these videos, the first one shows children being friendly to each other and just watching it can trigger some positive things for him:

NB - be vigilant about children being unkind at school, this can happen in this year group, your dc may struggle to explain what is happening or recognise it, so by talking to him every day about what each of the children did during the day and what they said to him and who he likes can help you see patterns (you helping out in class can help here too) and it will also be helpful for both of you learning to share your thoughts and feelings and you guiding him when you see his thinking is going off track. A book aimed at his age about making friends might also be good to read together.

This is the beacon house video about the window of tolerance:

parkaseverywhere · 28/10/2021 12:07

I am sorry, I referred to you don't care about the hitting whereas you had said We’ve tried to let him show it doesn’t affect us

Noodles40 · 28/10/2021 15:39

Hi, looking for advice please. Our 4 year old is going though a phase of bed wetting but only when in pants. If he wears pull ups he is dry and gets up to use the toilet when he wakes up in the morning. After a few nights of 3-4am bed sheet changing we use pull-ups to give us all a good nights sleep and he never likes to wear them but is ALWAYS dry all night. As soon as we go back to pants he had an accident. He previously was dry for weeks at a time with only the odd accident. He now seems to like coming in and waking us up to change him/bedding. Could this be attention seeking rather than an accident or am I just being harsh?! Everything is attention related with him, the more we give the more he wants🤷‍♀️

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 28/10/2021 15:43

It might be better to start your own thread so as not to confuse this one.
(Personally I'd say stick to pull ups until spring.)

Noodles40 · 28/10/2021 16:47

Apologies, didn’t mean to join this thread!! Thanks 😂

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