Adoption - Not Approved

[MumGreenhouse]

My other half and I are previous foster carers and adopters. We are in stage 2 assessment for adopting the birth sibling of one of our children who is adopted.

We have just learnt that the local authority for the child (a different local authority to us) will not be recommending us as potential adopters. Also, our social worker's manager is now also supporting this non-recommendation.

Despite these 2 non-recommendations, we are going ahead to panel (in a few weeks) as we strongly believe that these 2 siblings should be together, and that we can provide a strong, loving home for them and all our children.

We are also going ahead to 1st panel because we know that the panel doesn't necessarily have to agree with the recommendations presented to them, and that the panel's decision is also independently reviewed by an Agency Decision Maker, who may not agree with their decision; and we also know that we can appeal a panel decision.

I am looking for adopters who were also not recommended at any point during the assessment process for the same/similar reasons as given to us (listed below). I am interested to know if you eventually managed to be successfully approved, and if so, how you presented and evidenced your counter-argument.

1. Already have 3 children.

1. One of our children has additional learning needs.

1. One of our children is approaching puberty.

1. Previous affair in the relationship.

Any supportive, informative advice very much appreciated. Thanks all.

The first three are all about your capacity to care for another child, which I’m sure you understand. I’d be presenting clear evidence that you’ve thought about it and have the resources to manage. So I’d be thinking about how it works currently and what might need to change, eg work arrangements, can you financially support a 4th without additional financial support, how do you support your child’s learning difficulties and what if the new child had similar or more complex needs, what might the impact be on your relationship. Is the child approaching puberty also adopted - it’s often a very tricky time for adopted kids, how will you meet their needs and balance settling in a new adopted child. Basically think through - realistically - the additional demands on your energy, time and material resources. Don’t adopt an attitude of “it’ll work out”, they need to see you’re thinking it through and have sensible plans.

In terms of the affair, think about the timing (eg was it pre or post your last adoption), what gave rise to it - a new child is a huge pressure on any relationship, did the reasons relate in any way to adoption ie busy caring for children and neglected your relationship. What made both partners decide to continue with your relationship (don’t identify the kids as being a reason to stay together because the panel may have concerns you want another child to patch things over. How have things been since, how have you been able to recover and move forward, could it happen again and if it did how would it impact the children, how would you deal with that?

Another thing to consider is whether you planned to have 4 children, or is it purely because this little one is your child’s sibling. Either way you need to show the panel you are resilient enough, resourceful enough, stable enough to add another vulnerable child into the mix. Good luck.

If the child is worth another local authority surely even if your old local authority approves you as an adopter you won’t necessarily be able to adopt that child because their own social worker from the local authority would have to agree to link/match you.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. That sounds very difficult

With not worth

I would ask yourself quite seriously whether it is worth the battle. I have been here- it very nearly broke me. I have now recovered, but experienced some very poor practice. Yes, you can appeal refusal to approve you as adopters, however there is no appeal if the LA decide to lie about you at matching, and don't put you forward to matching panel.

I constantly hope my experience was a one off, that it was the 'one bad apple' that happened to my family, that the courts are unaware of the poor practice, and are acting with integrity. Perhaps you can fight this, and everything will work out wonderfully for you, or perhaps you're on a hiding to nothing, and it will drain you, taking the focus away from the three children you have, leaving you grieving for the loss of your fourth child. Good luck.

Thank you so much Jellycatspyjamas for such comprehensive advice. For a someone I don't know, to take the time to write such a detailed response, and so quickly, is so generous. I guess that is that whole point of Mumsnet. But as a newbie here, I am wowed. Thank you. The areas you've highlighted will definitely help focus us on the important points and provide structure for when it comes to writing our supporting information for panel. In some areas I feel that we have some very strong, concrete ways to evidence, which then makes me question why these areas of concern have been flagged in the first place. In other areas, it will be a little trickier to evidence. But we will try our very best to put forward a strong argument, in order to try, hope against hope, to keep these two siblings together. Thank you again.

Yes - you are right Newpuppymummy - even if we get approved at 1st panel, it doesn't mean we'll be able to go through to matching panel.

We are very limited in what we can do, but the one thing we can do is go through to panel, even though it may seem futile. If all we can do is achieve approval at 1st panel, however slim a chance it is, at least we achieved that for the little one in question.

Even if we are not approved, we want to be able to tell our adopted child that we did everything possible to try to keep those two little people together. It will be a very difficult conversation to explain why our care was deemed good enough for our adopted child, but not good enough for their sibling.

We have been told that our attempts at panel etc will not be recorded on the little one's life story records, so hopefully, should we not be approved, we will have the opportunity one day to fill in this part of their story to them directly via mailbox or maybe even face-to-face.

Thank you for your lovely message and taking the time to leave it - it is very much appreciated. Thank you.

When I read your message, gordongrumpy, I was so sad to hear your story. But not surprised unfortunately.

This journey does seem a little futile at times. On the one hand, I'm in 'battle mode', writing letters, getting advice etc etc and on the other, I'm presuming that despite our very best efforts, we will not be approved, and am already grieving the loss of this little person.

I feel that we are letting down the little one, letting down our adopted child, and letting down birth mum. I imagine the emotional trauma and repercussions of not placing these little people together, and it fills me with great sadness.

But as I said above, we're trying everything possible within our power, so we can at least say we tried everything possible within our power.

I know this will be a hard journey, but one we feel compelled to travel for the children's sakes.

I am sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing your story. Our expectations are low, but we are hoping for a miracle.

Thank you.

I know this will be a hard journey, but one we feel compelled to travel for the children's sakes.

However, you may need to take a long hard look and decide whether the fight is benefiting you and your children. There's no point exhausting yourself for a futile fight, to the detriment of your children. Everything that is possible within your power needs to recognise the limitations of your power- it's the LA who are responsible for their choices, and the court system that takes what the LA says as gospel. You alone cannot change the system.

The reapproval wasn't an issue for us, so you have an additional fight to the one I had.

Apart from keeping the children together, do you think adopting this sibling is the right thing to do? If they weren’t siblings, would you want to adopt another/this child?

I saw something wise on here recently along the lines that the best family for the child is one where they’re really wanted and where there’s enough resources (in the widest sense of the word) to take care of them, and that’s not always the family where the sibling is.

It was a real light bulb moment for me in thinking about my position if we were to be approached about another sibling.

Honestly? It's not a battle you will win, why put yourselves and your DC through it?
I have 4 siblings, went through panels no problems, and in retrospect I shouldn't have these siblings together. The age gap is too big, all 4 have ALN, no sibling ever lived together and no sibling assessment was ever made.
I love my children, but I'm exhausted and tired of asking SW for support which never arrives. Adoption agency just wants me to go away and never picks up phone or returns my calls.
It's a long lonely road, for the kids as well, and there are very good reasons why it's sometimes in the best interests of the new sibling to be placed separately.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, OP. IME, non-adopters were very much in the "but they can't do that! Fight it!" camp. But as adopters, we know how powerless we really are, and how arbitrary LAs can be, and are much more pragmatic, because we understand the challenges. I found it hard to give myself permission to let it go, but I had to, to be the best mum to the children I have, and be the mum THEY deserve.

I think that you need to show that you fully fully understand the point of view of the people who have made the assessment, and how you would be able to deal with their concerns, and how you plan to deal with highlighted challenges. If the adoption doesn't go ahead, would you ask for regular contact instead?

that it was the 'one bad apple' that happened to my family, that the courts are unaware of the poor practice, and are acting with integrity If you could substantiate the lie I hope that you put it on record, and I am sorry about your experience. However, I do also think that there is a bit of confusion here. There is both case law and judicial statement showing that judges are aware of some poor practice in social work, and the statements are specific about what is considered poor practice and also specific about the standards required - but - at the same time recognising the importance of the social work profession and the professionalism outside these specific examples. There can be problems within LA departments, but a judge needs to have the right information in front of them about the specific question, it isn't a matter of being able to say "oh well, SWs sometimes lie, maybe they lied here".

I wonder what you mean by 'going on record'? What record, and why do you hope that? If I was unable to 'substantiate' the lie, do you think that would excuse poor practice?

I haven't actually (deliberately) gone in to detail about what happened, so I don't really understand how you can be sorry. I don't need your sorrow.

I don't believe that it is the duty, or responsibility of victims of poor practice to not only recover from that, but to correct a profession that by the nature of being a profession, should be self regulating.

I'm not here to have my story judged. I'm here to let OP know that I empathise, and that it can be ok to step back, accept what you cannot change, etc, and that there can be wisdom in walking away from a fight.

I agree that judges need the right information in front of them. As potential adopters, even when approved as adopters (which OP isn't currently), and as the adopter of a sibling, we have no rights to be informed of which court, or judge, or court dates, or a right to contact or be heard by the court. I know there was incorrect information in the PAR, incorrect information about my family, incorrect information about our approval status (as I said, we were re-approved, didn't have to fight for this, very simple formality), the fact that this was put in front of the judge, and the judge believed it to be true, was outside my sphere of influence, and I hold no duty to correct that- the duty rests with those who present the information, and with those who read that information.

I think it must be incredibly difficult to do your job with blind trust that another profession, a profession under profound strain, have done their job properly. Mistakes are bound to be made.

It isn't within my power to change the entire system. It is not within OP's power.

What may be in OP's power is fighting to get approved. I (and others) question whether that is wise, given that she is human like all of us, has finite resources, three children with needs, and that there is no power to then fight to be matched.

My point here is not to be beaten up on how I should have tried harder, it's to support OP, if she needs to hear it, to step back from the fight with grace, wisdom and love. I wish to support OP, not moan about my story. I'm actually quite zen about it after these years. I can only choose my path, after all, the social workers have to live with being them, all the time, poor people.

I was responding to just one comment which I quoted, but reading your response to me, am I right that you were approved and put forward to matching panel but that your paperwork said that you were not approved and there were other errors and the match did not go ahead? At what point did this go in front of a judge in a court? I am sorry, I am not clear about what you mean, but there is no need to reply if you do not want to.

OP I am not sure whether or not this report will be helpful but have linked it just in case.

www.coram.org.uk/sites/default/files/Matching%20Guide%20-%20%20FINAL.pdf

Thank you so much to you all for the thoughts, advice and links. It is grounding to hear all your differing points of view, and whilst we still plan to proceed to panel, we will be doing so with our minds open and expectations realistic. Thank you. Always open to hearing any further thoughts and advice...