Food obsession issues

[teekay88]

Hi everyone. Long time poster but more recently lurker. Am posting on here as firstly I know I'll get more sensible empathic replies than from the rest of MN and also because there may (or may not be) adoption context that's relevant. Sorry this is so long but I think detail is important as MN can often lack nuance!

I have a 3 yo DS who came home at 13ms. Pretty much since around 18-24ms he has been obsessive about food to the point where we've worried it's a real issue to varying degrees throughout the past year and a half. There have been occasions when this has got a little better for a couple months at a time but then always returns and has been a pretty constant thread

For context:

• Although he has always been heavy in weight and to physically carry for his age, DS has never been considered overweight by BMI or by health visitors who I have discussed this with. His build is def not super skinny - under 2 he had a chubby(ish) frame, but as he;s got older he's losing that baby fat and is now I'd say relatively slim (tho heavy).
• We keep him to a fairly healthy diet. Up until 2 and a bit, I included almost nothing unhealthy but since then, being invited to parties, him getting older with more awareness of food etc, I do feel I'm losing my grip on how often he eats
• While he does like cake choc etc when he gets the opportunity he's never been a fussy eater in that he will eat almost anything you put in front of him and his obsession isn't necessarily about treat foods, but rather frequency
• Currently we are (trying) to stick to our long term routine of breakfast (about 6.30), mid morning snack (9/9/30ish), early lunch (11/30/12ish before his nap - sometimes I "split" this into 2 smaller meals as he is almost always hungry on waking), mid PM snack about 3/3.30 and dinner about 5.45. I am however aware that this routine has been in place since he's been about 18m and it may be time to introduce more autonomy over when/what he eats although I am worried this will make the issue worse

Behaviours we have noticed:

• Almost constant talking about food and whining for snacks whcih can on bad days escalate to meltdown tantrums
• Finds it extremely difficult to be patient for food, wait for us to cook dinner. wait at the table for us to sit down etc and this can range from a constant whine and moan in the background to full on tantrums. I feel incredibly stressed and anxious preparing meals or being in situations where he may have to wait such as when going to a cafe as it's stressful and embarassing
• Stuffs food in his mouth very quickly to point where sometimes he makes himself cough or gag, and we/nursery have had to do a lot of reward and praise work around "slow eating" - placing his fork down in between bites etc whcih he has got better at but on some days is terrible. He'll finish a meal within minutes and I'm sometimes shocked how quickly he eats
• Fixated on what is "next" after dinner. I've tried tips I've read online like serving him the dessert (usually yogurt fruit etc) with the main meal so he can see it which helps slightly but sometimes leads to confusion that there'll be something more after
• When either of us eating, obsessively wants to look at our food, us making it/eating it etc and sometimes when in a worse mood will go on and on about trying a bit or try to grab it
• Nursery have struggled with him always asking for 2nd helpings at breakfast and have picked up on some behaviours like we have at home - i.e. scooping up crumbs on the table etc

Now some other adoption/other info that may be useful:

• Adopted at 13ms from a v loving foster family immediately from birth. V relaxed attitude to food with no tension at all. One observation we did make is they served v large portions for his age combined with also being at the time on 3 full bottles of milk per day
• Obvs no experience of being in a birth family home but birth mum had poor nutrition and self care throughout pregnancy and am aware she often went hungry/relief on food parcels. I don't know whether this is likely to have made a realistic impact
• No special or additional needs that we;re aware of and meeting all of his milestones
• Family-wise some things may play into it. we are often the "host" of family stuff and this can involve buffets with lots of food on display which I want to change as i appreciate this is very hard for him. MIL is particularly unhelpful at being dismissive of our concerns about his appetite/food and constantly gives him large portion or snack food when we've asked her not to. She doesn't go through us first which puts us in an awkward position at family events. My Mum/family are very respectful of our boundaries but equally v relaxed about food and probably of the view we shouldn't worry at all (not sure they'd "get" that this is an actual issue rather than simply toddler behaviour)
• My partner I think can be too shaming in his approach. He can be quite rigid/judgey at times and I find myself having to remind him DS is only 3 and has no concept of consequences such as weight etc. I also feel very strongly (after realising nursery had used this word sumx) that we should not be making reference to being "greedy" or getting "fat" (I hate that word) so I think my partner feels I am being too soft about this but all the online advice I read suggests this can cause psychological issues

I think we're at the point of recognising this could be an additional need that requires some professional input but where the hell do I start, does anythign I say ring any bells for you or does anyone else out there have any experience? Thank you thank you

I'm sure you have thought about this in depth but are the meals calorie dense enough? I know this isn't a hunger issue per se but is he eating satiating food that makes him feel full?
I can over eat but I also have a tendency to choose high carb meals which don't keep you feeling full for long so it's easier to overeat. High protein meals will help him feel more satisfied.
Also does he drink enough? Do you offer him a drink when he asks for food? Again, thinking from the position of someone with a bit of a food fixation, having a drink can help. Distraction as well of course, especially when waiting for a meal.
I think you're doing the right thing by addressing this now. His food issues may not be related to his pre birth experiences but just because he used to get a lot of food as a baby and never felt 'hungry' (feeling hungry isn't a bad thing) and maybe was given food as a comfort, then he moved and lost those relationships and at the same time lost that source of comfort?

@CloseYourEyesAndSee, I think you may be on to something with the never feeling hungry thing. I wonder if a combination of foster experience and then our approach has meant he has never had to "sit" with being even a little hungry and so he hasn't learned great self-regulation skills. He's quite impulsive/highly strung by nature so can be quite impatient across a few things so that may play into it. It's a good point about filling meals. I spose a typical meal would be something like a little pasta or rice with quite a lot of veggies, sumx some meat like chicken, and then his dessert would usually be fruit or yogurt. He does eat a lot of fruit and maybe that isn;t sustaining him snack wise? xxx

He’s 3, he won’t have great self regulation skills because developmentally he’s not there yet.

I’d start with his weight, is there any indication he’s overweight - use the charts in his red book and track his height and weight, is he moving through the centuries (ie is his weight increasing as he gets older).

Id then look at what you’re feeding him and when - toddlers have small stomachs, they need frequent food because they’re on the go all the time and have tiny stomachs. Think of the difference between driving a mile in a car or on a ride on mower - you’re going to be refuelling way more often on the ride on mower. It may be possible he needs more food or more calorie dense food, when my 4 year old was placed we’d have breakfast, mid morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner. We’ve also always allowed free access to the fruit bowl.

In terms of table stuff, I’ve had to work hard on both my two sitting at the table, using knives and forks, not taking too much food from a buffet or central serving plate - lots of reassurance that the food will still be there. I think that’s just something to work with day by day, and is where you teach self regulation as they get older.

It might be worth talking to your health visitor firstly to make sure he’s developing healthily in terms of height and weight, but secondly to ensure he’s not going hungry/check for something more concerning.

Fruit is not the best snack as the sugar energy is burnt off quite quickly so he won't feel full. Better would be something savoury and high protein like a bit of cheese, plain yoghurt or nuts. He probably finds the feeling of being 'full' to be comforting. If you can try to achieve that with slightly tweaking his meals and snacks it might help?

Might also be worth while talking to a HV about tests to rule out medical conditions he could have.
We have always been advised to let them eat when they need it, our adopted son is 1 and can sometimes just graze all day but as he is so high energy does just seem to burn it off and tracks 75th centile consistently. I know it's scary to let them eat whenever they want but we found it helped make it less of a 'thing'. Good luck I'm sure your doing an amazing job.

I cant be much help but thought I should mention- from reading your post - that with my kids I always give them a bowl or two of healthy snacks while I prepare dinner etc - so if they are playing or watching tv while I make the tea my first job is chop some peppers/carrot/cucumber whatever and put it in from of them so there would naturally never be any moaning for food while they wait? would that help? just giving complete healthy stuff upfront? Its like starter. May be no help at all but just what I do?

@Jellycatspyjamas

He’s 3, he won’t have great self regulation skills because developmentally he’s not there yet.

I’d start with his weight, is there any indication he’s overweight - use the charts in his red book and track his height and weight, is he moving through the centuries (ie is his weight increasing as he gets older).

Id then look at what you’re feeding him and when - toddlers have small stomachs, they need frequent food because they’re on the go all the time and have tiny stomachs. Think of the difference between driving a mile in a car or on a ride on mower - you’re going to be refuelling way more often on the ride on mower. It may be possible he needs more food or more calorie dense food, when my 4 year old was placed we’d have breakfast, mid morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner. We’ve also always allowed free access to the fruit bowl.

In terms of table stuff, I’ve had to work hard on both my two sitting at the table, using knives and forks, not taking too much food from a buffet or central serving plate - lots of reassurance that the food will still be there. I think that’s just something to work with day by day, and is where you teach self regulation as they get older.

It might be worth talking to your health visitor firstly to make sure he’s developing healthily in terms of height and weight, but secondly to ensure he’s not going hungry/check for something more concerning.

Hey, thanks for taking time to respond, I appreciate it.

He's definitely not overweight which I used to worry about a little bit in his earlier years as he was a little chubby and had quite a tummy but even then they always insisted he wasn't overweight and was on track and in line with his percentile (usually 75th so higher end of normal but still within normal range). As he's grown closer to 3, he's done that classic thing of growing taller and skinnier so I;'d now characterise him as a slim child but is physically heavy to carry if that makes sense. So to look at looks pretty slim but people are usually surprised at how heavy he is when they pick him up. He has gone down slightly in percentile over time too. Every time I've had a HV visit (most recnet one about 5 months ago when I mentioned the issue) they've insisted he is normal range so I've exhausted my anxiety about that and accepted that must be the case, and now I feel its more of a psychological thing than a physical weight thing I'm more concerned about

Your point about frequent smaller things does make sense and actually what you describe is what we do so - we do breakfast. mid morning snack, lunch, mid afternoon snack, dinner, and then a tiny amount of milk before bed. The problem may be from what a few people have suggested possibly a) I could work on making portions of main meals smaller so that it is more alike to having a "snack" than a big meal for the 3 meal times and therefore if he's eating v frequently around hsi cravings during the day it doesnt add up to be too excessive b) I realy think on reflectio nthere may be something in what people say about calorie dense food and making sure its filling. Our main go to for snacking is fruit and while this is healthy I have wondered whether it really fills his belly up, although on the whole I am feeling more and more certain this is a psychological rather than physical thing

My gut is its an anxiety/comfort issue but I can't quite work out the route of it as it seems to sort of be wired into him

Yes definitely think I nay need to request a specific visit from the HV, All I;d say there though is when I've mentioned it at 2 previous sessions they've always been fairly dismissive of the idea its an issue and just chalked it up to a growth spourt wgich I think they may be doing as he's not overweight. Perhaps if he was they'd see it through a different lens? My partner and I genuinely wondered about Prader-Willi but he just doesnt seem to have any of the other symptoms assicuated with it.

I am sorry to say this but you are in danger of creating the problems here. He clearly needs more food, and 3 year olds can eat surprisingly large amounts and so you really need to up the carbs for him in each meal, and if he is hungry let him eat - not sugar, something healthy but something which will give him energy. Your partner should not be talking to a three year old about weight.

Many dc I have known eat a lot (and I mean, a lot) of pasta, couscous, bread etc with vegetables and meat at 3 and are heavy but not overweight several years on are still eating a lot, very active, slim, heavy, strong.

The optimum active play time for this age is at least three hours outside every day, and if he is doing this, he will need a lot of food.

It isn't a good idea to try to stop him being overweight if he isn't overweight.

I really would up the carbs and see if that helps. If he ever craves sweets and cakes, or processed food, be firm about him giving him low sugar alternatives.

I think you need to do all the above and get him onto a comfortable even keel of eating the right amount for him, with the right amount of exercise, before then reassessing whether there might be anything adoption related.

Should also say mine at 8 & 6, and at 3 I dont think kids can do well with waiting generally? I just think that kids can eat healthy stuff as much as they want. Mine are very slim so no worries there I guess.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Fruit is not the best snack as the sugar energy is burnt off quite quickly so he won't feel full. Better would be something savoury and high protein like a bit of cheese, plain yoghurt or nuts. He probably finds the feeling of being 'full' to be comforting. If you can try to achieve that with slightly tweaking his meals and snacks it might help?

Thank you really useful insight and actually I think there may be truth to both those points. I'm wondering if the fruit thing could be tweaked as you say to include more filling savoury things and perhaps fruit couold be more of an accompaniment to a meal? Nuts is a good idea and something I hadn't thought of/ I also think the full as comfort thing is defiiteyl an issue - I'm wondering if a) it's a feeling he associates with security/comfort when he's disregulated and b) whether through a combination of factors including how we've parented him he's not sufficiently developed the independence and autonomy to test his full feeling for himself?

@sureshore

I am sorry to say this but you are in danger of creating the problems here. He clearly needs more food, and 3 year olds can eat surprisingly large amounts and so you really need to up the carbs for him in each meal, and if he is hungry let him eat - not sugar, something healthy but something which will give him energy. Your partner should not be talking to a three year old about weight.

Many dc I have known eat a lot (and I mean, a lot) of pasta, couscous, bread etc with vegetables and meat at 3 and are heavy but not overweight several years on are still eating a lot, very active, slim, heavy, strong.

The optimum active play time for this age is at least three hours outside every day, and if he is doing this, he will need a lot of food.

It isn't a good idea to try to stop him being overweight if he isn't overweight.

I really would up the carbs and see if that helps. If he ever craves sweets and cakes, or processed food, be firm about him giving him low sugar alternatives.

I think you need to do all the above and get him onto a comfortable even keel of eating the right amount for him, with the right amount of exercise, before then reassessing whether there might be anything adoption related.

Yes I think me and my partner are actually being quite good here at assuming respinsibility and not being defensive about it as we're actively looking to see how we may be contributing to the issue so this isn't a surprise to me and to a certain extent I agree with you

Your point about carbs echoes some other thougths and so I'm going to try out feeding him more dense snacks to see if it fills him up for longer and perhaps make fruit something for meal times rather than standalone food. He does have a fair amount of pasta rice bread etc with his meals so I don;t think he's lacking in this as such but popssibly the issue being not at the right times of day

It does seem insane how much small kids can sometimes eat. I am aware most of my friends kids are in th cmap that are fussy piky eaters that push food round the plate and weve always been grateful not to have to deal with that (I think I'd still rather have it thsi way round!) btu that does mean I don't always get exposure to the other side of the coin so it becojems very hard for us to judge what is normal.

I'm not sure he gets quite as much as 3 hours outside every day (although I suspect not far off this between nursery and activities he does with us - he's fairly active child) - certainly on any given day he'll have a mixture iof play at nursery and garden time, a bit of walking with me, and if its a day off from work for me, perhaps going to soft play etc. Thanks I'll try the carbs thing - is this somethihng youve noticed wiht your own children?

I completely agree with you about my partner saying about weight, its something that really doesnt sit right with me and I think comes from a childhood where his mum allowed his sister to get very overweight so he gets worried about that. Luckily I've managed to stop him short of directy saying about weight to our son but I do worry if hes in the wrong mood he may say something

As for the ppoint about adoption, I do feel there may be some relevance there and its something I've reflected on a lot so I wouldnt want to be dismissive of this possibility - but having said that agree with others baout some more practical starting points

Prader-willi is usually noticed soon after birth, and hypotonia is a symptom, does your ds have floppy muscles and was he slow to reach physical milestones? If your ds ate more with the foster carer and was not overweight, that is an indication that he would not have prader-willi but does need more food. These are both things you couldspecifically discuss with the HV, but it is worth in the meantime increasing the carbs at breakfast and lunch and see if that helps.

It sounds as though he needs more food, but you will know fairly quickly if it is something else and if the food he wants leads to him being overweight and you can reassess then.

@scully29

Should also say mine at 8 & 6, and at 3 I dont think kids can do well with waiting generally? I just think that kids can eat healthy stuff as much as they want. Mine are very slim so no worries there I guess.

Yeah I think thats where my partner and I probably differ in that I feel very aware of that whereas he has a tendency to think its abnornal behaviour as hes not as exposed to kids in his day to day life as I am.

My gut is its an anxiety/comfort issue but I can't quite work out the route of it as it seems to sort of be wired into him

It may well be that anxiety has a part to play, if so him having control over food will help lessen his anxiety. My DC need choice about food - so we’ll plan the weekly meals with them, they can add a treat or two to the shopping list, they can chose snacks from a healthy selection etc.

It may be anxiety more generally which would be understandable - in which case helping him name his feelings, giving him activities which help emotional regulation (water play, messy play, jumping, swinging, hanging, climbing at the park etc) will help him feel more in his own body if that makes sense? Keeping routine, while being flexible when he just can’t cope with the routine will all help lessen his anxiety and also help him feel his body more which might help with hunger and satiety. It really doesn’t sound like Prader-Willie - he’d be eating huge quantities above his needs and his weight would be affected.

One thing worth thinking about is your own relationship with food - is it something you’d be anxious about for yourself, how were your parents around food. Sometimes looking back can help us move forward, if we’ve picked up unhelpful messages ourselves along the way. To be clear, I’m not saying this is your issue - I can understand your concerns, remembering you’ve not parented a 3 year old before much less one with a trauma history - but just worth checking your own thoughts and feelings too.

I wouldn't worry too much about him feeling heavy. My neice is a really small in height for her age at 2.5 years but feels very dense bless her. I've picked taller kids up and always surprised at how much lighter they seem. But she's in the perfectly normal centiles range.

I think she feels heavier in part because she doesn't help me with the lifting in any way. She doesn't cling to me with her limbs in the way a taller child can so spread the weight on my hips etc.

She also chubs out and then grows taller. The physical things you're seeing are all normal.

However I think you are in danger of making too much of the food thing, if you're worrying about it he is likely picking up on that.

Some kids like big meals and not much between but most toddlers I know graze when given the opportunity. If we have food on a table my neice will help herself to small amounts throughout the afternoon rather than eat constantly, some days she eats tons and others not so much.

If he's anxious over food, sometimes having a lunchbox with the snacks for the day can help. So he knows that everything in that box is for snacking that day, bit like the fruitbowl but all his rather than someone else might eat it.

Would he help you prepare the meals? I appreciate anxious little hands can be hard to work with in the kitchen but something like salad that he can mix with his hands and have a little of while you make the rest?

Sorry, the posts crossed.

is this somethihng youve noticed wiht your own children? it is, yes, and with friends' children too. In one family we know, the second child seems to hardly eat and is a good weight yet the first and third have very fast metabolisms and would be emaciated and barely able to walk after a couple of days of not eating huge piles of carbs!

I think its often normal for kids to eat all day, mine definitely do and aren't overweight atall, they are growing so eat way more than me. As long as its heathy stuff its all good and at 3 they are so tiny yet so would be more worried about putting food worries on to them by worrying about them? We are veggie and eat alot of veg & fruit all day. I think you didnt mention supper - ours have always had supper on top of what you mentioned in your routine? My DD usually finishes her tea but DS would eat and eat, I give him a bowl of nuts then an option of bread, fruit or babybel. At 3 they had a big supper tray with milk. Maybe see if increasing the heathy stuff helps? I dont really know as every child is so different. Mine will ask whats for tea tonight on the way to school etc, and I always tell them what they have for lunch coming etc.

OP, not wanting to minimise your situation, but I think those behaviours can be normal in kids that age. I know many non-adopted toddlers who have a fascination with food, don’t like to wait, stuff their mouths, are always interested in knowing what’s next, etc. I think other people have given you some good tips, but just be aware that those things are normal for a child that age and it isn’t necessarily because of their background or trauma.

I know you’ve had lots of great advice here - but I’ve recently adopted a second child who appears to have a bit of an obsession with food. Placement is much sooner so we do think this is adoption related - and we also don’t really know her so well as it sounds like my you know your child. Our child is about 14 months old at the moment and came home a month ago. We also have a 3 year old.

She will eat essentially an adults portion of pasta (we have always gone with the assumption that they will stop when full.) but yesterday she had a massive bowl of pasta and then cried when our 3 year old still has some.

She does however not eat as much when it’s not pasta but she still eats well and we wonder when she will stop. We think she was fed lots at the foster carers house and she was given 3 bottles a day aswell, which we’ve cut down to just 1 at night time like you.

She isn’t overweight (not that we’ve weighed her but visually she looks skinnier than our older child looked when he was her age and they are biologically related. She is not underweight.

The only thing I would comment on is your dinner time does appear to be late. Our children have the same as yours (breakfast at 7:00, snack at about 9:30/10, lunch at 12, little sleep for young one, snack at 3, dinner at 5, cup of milk just before bed. They don’t last until 5:45 and they get tired and stressed. In fact a lot of days they are complaining of hunger at about 4:30 and it’s a push to get them to 5. I would personally either bring dinner sooner, or do dinner and then dessert (yoghurt or anything) at 6:00 if you feel like you need to. We do end up awake at the crack of dawn but have never found anything changes that (later dinners, later bed time later anything…!!)

This may not change anything of course and instead you could make the snack after lunch a bit more dense as you’ve suggested…

I also think it may be an adopted thing because they are seeking the comfort of feeling full. And they may have been fed a lot more in foster care and be used to feeling really full. Personally I would let them feel full on food that is healthy. I always think of them being on a slimming world diet and they are eating as much as they like of the green stuff (not sure if it’s changed!) like pasta or vegetables or fruit….!

My 8 year old is, and has always been like this. He has significant additional needs which blatantly makes it more complicated but essentially I am 100% in control of what he eats. We have had endless bits of advice from speech and language therapists, teachers, other adoptive parents, health visitors, other non adoptive parents and essentially nothing has ever changed and we have now just got used to him being how he is. Similarly, he is not overweight. But the reason he is not overweight is because we are very aware of what he eats at all times. If we fed him more, he would still want more, and he would be overweight. It’s as simple as that. We have messed with protein-rich against carb-rich meals and never saw a difference. He can never eat anything that requires a lot of chewing as he is so frantic he just rams it in and chokes. There has been one theory discussed a couple of years ago that suggested that the part of his brain that recognises fullness is actually damaged. I’m sorry not to offer direct advice, but just wanted you to know I recognise how difficult this behaviour is. Having said that, seven years down the line we are just used to it now.

He's definitely not overweight which I used to worry about a little bit in his earlier years as he was a little chubby and had quite a tummy but even then they always insisted he wasn't overweight and was on track and in line with his percentile (usually 75th so higher end of normal but still within normal range). As he's grown closer to 3, he's done that classic thing of growing taller and skinnier so I;'d now characterise him as a slim child but is physically heavy to carry if that makes sense. So to look at looks pretty slim but people are usually surprised at how heavy he is when they pick him up. He has gone down slightly in percentile over time too. Every time I've had a HV visit (most recnet one about 5 months ago when I mentioned the issue) they've insisted he is normal range so I've exhausted my anxiety about that and accepted that must be the case, and now I feel its more of a psychological thing than a physical weight thing I'm more concerned about

He should not be dropping down the centiles if he's hungry. That could indicate under feeding.
I wonder why you are concerned about him being overweight? From what you've said here he isn't and never has been overweight, so why do you want to restrict what he eats?
You do seem a bit over worried about his weight. If HV tells you it's fine and his weight according to scales is fine then whether he feels heavy to lift is really irrelevant. 75th centile doesn't mean he's heavy for his age, it means that he's normal for his age. Half of all children his age are further away from average than that. Remember that only 1% of children lie exactly on the 50th centile.
There's an implied criticism of the foster carers for giving him too much food. However, at 13 months a toddler should self regulate their appetite and should be allowed to eat as much as they want (of healthy food) so from what you've said they weren't doing anything wrong. He was tracking his centiles so it sounds like they were giving him exactly what he needed.
Again with nursery, why is it a problem that he wants extra breakfast? Can they not just give an extra piece of toast?

To me it seems that he could be hungry and that is why he's obsessed with food. Or it could be a combination of the adoption making him feel a bit less secure combined with food restriction since he left the foster carers.

I would change tack and let him eat however much he wants at mealtimes whether that be 4 bowls of porridge, 6 fish fingers or whatever. That should reduce the need for snacks but if he wants a snack I would offer something fillinig but boring such as plain bread.

Sorry if this is way off the mark I am not an adopter but I do have a very hungry toddler!

It may be over simplifying things but I go by the thinking that toddlers can self regulate to an extent - therefore if they are hungry / going through a growth spurt - they will ask for and need more food. Similarly if not then eat less or smaller portions. My 18 month old and 3 year old can eat a larger breakfast than me some days but then graze, or equally if they’ve had a really busy day at nursery they need a big supper.

My 3 year old on typically eats cereal and sometimes toast for breakfast, fruit as snacks, hot lunch at (sometimes 2 or 3 portions) and pudding, afternoon tea such as sandwiches and pudding, then once home supper which is either cereal / toast / crumpets, more fruit and a sweet treat like yoghurt or a bit of chocolate.

But - he is going through a growth spurt at the moment and literally we can’t fill him! I know that it’ll calm down in a couple of weeks and he’ll go back to normal portions. I think as long as their diet is broadly balanced with the 5 a day, and not too much salt / sugar and they’re not overweight it’s fine.

Puddings are fruit or yoghurt or sometimes a cake, and on home days it’s sandwiches or similar for lunch and a normal tea like spag Bol / cottage pie / roast chicken etc. Mine are cereal fiends so would eat bowl after bowl if given free reign, but rather than restrict I just try to offer more of a variety of foods.

I have an adopted daughter who has always had food issues. My daughter was 5 at placement, so a bit older, but I am very familiar with some of the behaviours you describe.

Try to not worry about your son being overweight. My children were small and very heavy, but always slim. Those percentages are a rough guide. Also keep in mind that children can look slightly overweight before a growth spurt. That's normal.

Try to stay as relaxed as possible to not add to his anxiety and don't shame him. My kids ate things other kids wouldn't even look at (eg. snails) and we always praised them and "bragged" to others about it. Make him not being picky something to be proud of.

Based on the experience with my daughters I think that some of your breaks between food might be too long. My daughter at age 5 could not go without food for longer than 2 hours.

• We stuck to a routine of meal, snack, meal, snack etc. For meals she could eat as much as she wanted. Once she looked full, we would say "Are you sure? Feel into your tummy. How does it feel? You look full to me." Often she just wanted to chew a bit more to calm herself down. She never overate at meal times, despite huge portions. Some children can eat a lot!
• Snacks were big. Her standard afternoon snack at age 5 would be 3 large rice cakes, 1 apple, 1 banana, 1-2 peppers, several carrots - just to give you an idea. If your child is physically active and has high anxiety levels, he might need a lot of food.
• Have you tried giving your son a chewy to try to calm himself down while waiting? It might help. My daughter still chews a lot to calm herself. Chewing gum can also be very helpful to bridge the time between food, particularly when you are out and about. My daughter also drinks a lot before and/or during meals. You could try giving your son a bottle which would give him some sensory input and might help him to wait.
• Another thing to consider is that his nursery might not give him enough food. For some children standard children's sizes are not enough and that would add to his anxiety.

Try things out and see what works. Some adopters have food accessible to their children at all times and that works for them. It didn't work for us, but we gave our daughter control at meal times.

It sounds as if this might be a longterm problem, so try to stay as calm as possible. My daughter is a teen now and is eating okay. So there is hope. Good luck!

creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/hoarding-overeating-food-obsessions-adopted-foster-kids/

That link is very good advice and I particularly like Healing the anxiety by feeding him regularly and reliably—and not limiting—is what will allow him to tune in to hunger and fullness cues and establish self-regulation
Not all adopted or fostered children will deal with food in the same way, they may or may not have issues, and all children have different intake needs, different metabolisms, and that their intake needs can go up and down too. Overeating has been in the past often highlighted as an issue, but in fact under eating can be a problem sometimes too, when a child is stressed or overexcited.