Thinking into adoption… advice please ☺️

[Lifesforloving1]

Hi !
Myself & my partner are thinking about adoption, we both would to extend our family & i feel like this is the right rout to take.
I would be really great full of some advice/ experiences ?
I’ve always been a bit worried about this as loads of people say it’s very hard to adopt ?

I’ve worked in a preschool for 10 years so I have lots of experience with young children.
My partner has an 10 year old daughter who comes to stay at weekends with us at weekends.
We are currently in a large 2 bedroom apartment…. I’m not sure if this would be a problem ?
We are planning on moving one day - but not yet.
What sort of things should we expect ? And where do we start.

You would need a spare room for your adopted child as they would not be allowed to share. I think it would be unwise to make them share with an older child who is used to their own space.

Other than that you sound like you’d be great!!!

@Blahblahbloo123
Thankyou ! xx

You can start by contacting your LA and asking to attend an information evening. There is zero commitment at that time.

I agree any adopted child would need their own bedroom.

Your partners DD would be interviewed as part of the homestudy (to check she was on board with the idea) and her other parent would be contacted/interviewed too (to check no violence etc).

You would need to think about what age range you are looking at and what issues / background you think you could cope with. This will get discussed more in the homestudy but they will want a general idea in order to prioritise you for assessment.

Presumably there is no issue with childcare experience - that often causes delays.

You would need to think whether 'you' intend to keep working full time, part time, or stop, and what would happen if any DC placed with you couldn't cope with childcare.

I'm not sure what the 'rules' are these days on unmarried people adopting, though I would expect some questions at least as to stability of relationship either way.

Your partner would be expected to understand why their relationship with DDs other parent broke down and be willing to discuss it.

They will want to contact any significant exes - anyone either of you have lived with.

Any medical concerns would need to be explored. Physical or mental health.

Good luck.

Adoption UK are a good resource.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders
What does DD mean ?
Wow , I never knew they would look into such a wide scale of things….

DD=Dear/Darling Daughter
DSD = Dear/Darling Step Daughter

The home-study is pretty thorough. They really need to feel you have the capacity to cope with an adopted child. It's like parenting+ . All the normal parenting plus dealing with the child's background, life story, contact and issues that might come of it. They need to know you are really strong as a couple, are on the same page, can communicate and support each other well.

I would second the Adoption Uk recommendation. They have (now online) prospective adopters meetings which we found incredibly helpful. Just prepare youself for a lot of very difficult stories when you explore their boards, and keep in mind that people who are happy and who have little or no issues rarely post.

I would contact your LA and a few voluntary agencies in your area and ask when they offer information evenings. You can go to as many as you like. There are also quite a few good introductory books, like "Preparing for Adoption", "Want to adopt?", etc). The BBC radio 4 podcast "The Adoption" would also be a very good starting point.

I always recommend joining Adoption UK its amazing for webinars to help your prepare and the prospective adopter zooms are brilliant for advice and support and hear about others journeys. I also think its helpful to know at the start that its a super long process and the 6 month thing raises expectations unrealistically (we've been 2 and a half years so far now).
And yes I think there own bedroom is a requirement.

[quote Lifesforloving1]@UnderTheNameOfSanders
What does DD mean ?
Wow , I never knew they would look into such a wide scale of things….[/quote]
They will look into EVERYTHING. They need to.

[quote Lifesforloving1]@UnderTheNameOfSanders
What does DD mean ?
Wow , I never knew they would look into such a wide scale of things….[/quote]
Of course they will, they’re trusting people to care for a traumatised child for the rest of their life.

Get to someone local adoption introductory sessions, they often have adopters and adoptees in attendance, pick their brains as much as you can. Adopters are a great resource, lots of adoption support groups are happy to share the appropriate parts of their experience with prospective adopters.

Where will this child live? At the moment you don’t have a bedroom for them.

How will you fund adoption leave (on top of a larer home)?

Can either of you work part time/have a very flexible employee? Some adopted child do not cope in nursery, wrap around care, may have lots of regular appointments etc.

Trauma can sometimes be expressed by unusual or sometimes unpleasant behaviours such as hitting, spitting etc, how will your child cope with a sibling who is sometimes a bit ‘scary’ and requiri g high levels of parental attention?

Think about contact, lots of adopted children maintain contact with their birth family, especially their siblings, you have to be genuinely happy and positive about this.

Be realistic about what you can and can’t cope with. Being approved for a child you can cope with and having a long time until a match is a good outcome, not being approved because what you can cope with wouldn’t stretch to an adopted child is also a good outcome in the longterm.

Do some reading on attachment, look at therapeutic parenting, have nights out and sleep in while you can! Enjoying leaving your house spontaneously, you’ll never do that again 😂

Adoption is amazing, it is incredibly hard at times, but the rewards of having a child of your own and seeing them hit milestones (even the tiny ones) is one of the best feelings in the world.

You’ve had some excellent advice here which I won’t repeat. You also need to think about why adoption is your preferred route to parenthood. It’s not usually someone first option (though sometimes it is, and that’s ok) most folk would have tried for a biological child first. If there are fertility issues, for example, you’ll need to speak openly about this and the impact on you individually and as a couple. If you want to adopt as first option you’ll need to be able to explain why that is.

Adoption is hard, it’s a very thorough assessment and you’ll be expected to talk about your relationship with each other and with your partners daughter, the impact on them of having an adopted sibling, your own experiences of being parented, your values and beliefs as well as what you hope for in any adopted child. It’s essential they get the assessment right for your sake and the sake of any child placed.

Gumis