Starting ball rolling - previous miscarriages

[GoodTennis]

Hi
Just looking for some advice. Diagnosed with unexplained infertility after 2nd miscarriage. Told to lose weight for IVF. didnt...
Didnt really want IVF. the thought of it terrifies me. I always just thought it would happen and it did at the start of the year. Unfortunately that ended in a 3rd miscarriage. It seems that I struggle to get pregnant and then I am unable to maintain a pregnancy. Because Im fat, they dont care why its happening.

As we are into the latter half of our 30s we have decided to just get the ball rolling for adoption. Its something we have been thinking about for years. Prior to this 3rd miscarriage we were booked in to speak to someone and if I am honest, it was a huge inconvenience which has just delayed everything and made this year pretty horrible.

I am excited to look at adoption but its come with a great sadness which I wondered if anyone else has experienced and whether/how you got through it.
I feel like I am grieving the fact we will never have a biological child and at the same time I am so overcome with sadness at the thought of a baby being born into circumstances which leads to them coming to live with us. The unfairness of not being able to take that baby and have the pregnancy myself so I can protect it from day 1 hurts my heart.
We are probably going to do foster to adopt. Fully expecting it to be an emotional rollercoaster

Any advice is welcome and appreciated

I’m so sorry for your loss. Of course you are grieving - grieving the loss of your babies, the biological children you hoped to have, the experience of pregnancy and birth, the list just goes on. My advice would be to give yourself time to grieve properly, these are huge losses and you need to come to terms with them before embarking on adoption which, as you note, comes with a whole other set of losses.

One thing I would say is that, depending on your weight, you may be asked to lose weight in the adoption process too. Unlike IVF there isn’t a set BMI to reach so much as they need evidence of you maintaining a healthy lifestyle but in preparation for adoption it’s something to think about. For an idea, my BMI was 38 and I adopted, having dropped from a BMI of 41 so it’s entirely possible.

I wish you every good thing in this next stage - this place is full of very experienced adopters who are incredibly generous in their support of others. I hope you stick around.

Thank you for your reply. My bmi is 38 at the moment, I have put on weight recently, jumping up from 33 bmi. I have a bowel condition which makes losing weight really hard. Up until recently I was running 5k and I do a lot of walking/gardening so hopefully they won't have an issue with my activity levels and weight.

I just feel like I will be sad forever. I have lost family 20 years ago who I still grieve for also though which puts it into perspective.

We have so much to offer a child or children. Stable income, decent wages, savings, a large extended family with small children to grow up with. A loving, safe home. A happy marriage. Pretty much all the things, I as a child would have killed for hah!

Welcome @GoodTennis . Sorry you’ve had a horrible year. Sounds like you are working through your grief and all of the complex emotions that come with your situation. I came to adoption because I met my husband a little later, by the time we were married and living together, I knew time wasn’t on our side, but we’d always said we would adopt. No infertility problems - it just didn’t happen. Just like you I didn’t want to go down the IVF route, so at 39 I became mum to a 2.5 and a 3.5 year old. It felt like it happened overnight - but of course there was 18 months beforehand of being assessed and put before panel. It’s quite daunting, it can feel intrusive, it can be really, really frustrating, but it’s also very exciting. The social workers will explore your losses with you, so it’s really good that you are reflecting on them. I sometimes think about the fact that I will never give birth and experience it, it sometimes makes me feel a little sad. But then on the other hand, I have my two little warriors and they are just so incredibly special, I wouldn’t change how things worked out. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Yep it does seem like it can go like a whirlwind.

I just feel so worried about what people think. I still have people telling me to relax and it will happen for goodness sake! I mentioned the possibility a while back to my friends and their response was ridiculous. Obviously if we do foster to adopt, I hope part of the training they speak about pre-approval is how to explain they are not your child until the adoption is through.

I hadnt thought about having to talk to them about my losses. My husband is so matter of fact about everything and I am far too emotional about everything 😂

Sounds like you compliment each other well. My husband is very matter of fact too. Please don’t worry, you are allowed to be emotional! They will just be looking for reflection and acceptance. Most adopters have been through their own losses. What the SWs don’t want is for prospective adopters to carry on ttc during the process. As for everyone else, you don’t have to tell them anything. You’ll quickly learn a few stock phrases, unless you want to tell them more.

I think thats partly why I felt so emotional lately. We said we would give it till the end of the year. My cycles have been all over the place the last month or 2 when I am normally like clockwork so we thought maybe if something is changing it might be worth just setting a deadline, and then you aren't going to have the "what if" while you are in this situation. Also because I miscarry each time, I don't want to put myself in a situation where it will just mess everything up again like this year! In the meantime we are going to an open event to get all the info and questions answered and just seeing what happens from there.

Sounds like a good plan. Time to reflect, research and getting yourself in a good place is never time wasted in adoption, you’ll be much stronger for it and much better prepared for the process. Keep reading and posting and asking questions on here, they are a lovely lot and full of great advice.

We are booked into a meeting for prospective adopters in November. I am starting to feel really nervous that we will be rejected when we come to apply and was hoping for advice.

Key things about our life which i HOPE will be positive

• 2 spare rooms. Currently using both for wfh but we have a dining room and work are transitioning to hybrid or back at office anyway. So i dont expect this to cause an issue
• married for 5 years, together for 12.
• reasonably sized house and garden
• near to a lot of kiddie friendly things such as a huge park and grounds 5 mins from my house
• we have an allotment and interest in gardening
• 2 cats
• both in full time work
• no kids
• lots of savings
• work very supportive of adoption. Can take up to 3 years off! Probably do 12 months depending on circumstances
• grew up in broken homes. My dad wasnt the best and as such we do not have a relationship, lots of childhood neglect from him
• big extended families and support from retired mothers on both sides
• a couple of 4 and under age kids in our family/friendship group

Where I think I will personally mess it up is the following

• im on a low dose 50mg antidepressants. After my 2nd miscarriage i wanted to unalive and got help - no attempts. I went on tablets after the 3rd when i felt myself getting low and responded well. No plans to come off at the moment
• i do not have any interactions with kids. I see my neice rarely and when i do its always positive but i worry that even though i feel like everything else on paper looks ideal for a baby/child to come into our house. Maybe they will turn us down? Husband is great with kids. He sees our neice more and his best friend has a son also.

Rationally, we could have had a birth child and been in the exact same situation!

You sound great, and I'm not an expert but I don't think the anti-depressants will be too much of a factor.

You mention a health condition and your weight, I would think it would look good to the adoption SW if you began to lose weight in a slow and healthy way - they want to see you can model good health and good eating habits.
I had a SW actually weigh me because she thought I was too slim (don't worry lockdown has sorted that! ) my BMI was fine, I was just at the lower end, but they didn't believe me until I actually stood on the scales. They also asked me about my attitude to food/nutrition and mealtimes and the food culture I was brought up in and what food culture I aim to bring up any child in (this was during a preliminary interview).

What is your husbands BMI? If you are both overweight I think that will count against you, but again it's an opportunity to prove how serious and dedicated you are to being the best candidates you can be if you prove you are taking healthy steps to reduce your weight.

Can you both get childcare experience volunteering in holiday clubs/nurseries/schools/Cubs etc? I think SW will want to see evidence of that and a willingness to put yourself out there to get that experience - especially as it's not that easy to secure volunteering at the moment.
I think it's another way of separating the wheat from the chaff with so many applications.

As I said, I'm not an expert but I've been looking into adoption for a couple of years (hopefully about to finally start stage1) and I've heard it's very competitive now as there are lots of people applying to adopt.

My LA told me to get more childcare experience (I am an ex-teacher - but secondary) before they would even look at my application. Even though I would say I'm strong in childcare within my own family too with lots of sole care & overnight stays of my young relatives.

I'm really glad I was pushed to do it though - it's been great for my confidence and the children I volunteer with are so wonderful and make me even more passionate about adopting. It's made me privately reconsider the age/sex that I would be bias towards wanting which is useful to note too.

Luckily I found somewhere to volunteer, and as I said it's been incredibly useful even though I was sceptical at first so I would definitely recommend you do that too.

@sospspsp

You sound great, and I'm not an expert but I don't think the anti-depressants will be too much of a factor.

You mention a health condition and your weight, I would think it would look good to the adoption SW if you began to lose weight in a slow and healthy way - they want to see you can model good health and good eating habits.
I had a SW actually weigh me because she thought I was too slim (don't worry lockdown has sorted that! ) my BMI was fine, I was just at the lower end, but they didn't believe me until I actually stood on the scales. They also asked me about my attitude to food/nutrition and mealtimes and the food culture I was brought up in and what food culture I aim to bring up any child in (this was during a preliminary interview).

What is your husbands BMI? If you are both overweight I think that will count against you, but again it's an opportunity to prove how serious and dedicated you are to being the best candidates you can be if you prove you are taking healthy steps to reduce your weight.

Can you both get childcare experience volunteering in holiday clubs/nurseries/schools/Cubs etc? I think SW will want to see evidence of that and a willingness to put yourself out there to get that experience - especially as it's not that easy to secure volunteering at the moment.
I think it's another way of separating the wheat from the chaff with so many applications.

As I said, I'm not an expert but I've been looking into adoption for a couple of years (hopefully about to finally start stage1) and I've heard it's very competitive now as there are lots of people applying to adopt.

My LA told me to get more childcare experience (I am an ex-teacher - but secondary) before they would even look at my application. Even though I would say I'm strong in childcare within my own family too with lots of sole care & overnight stays of my young relatives.

I'm really glad I was pushed to do it though - it's been great for my confidence and the children I volunteer with are so wonderful and make me even more passionate about adopting. It's made me privately reconsider the age/sex that I would be bias towards wanting which is useful to note too.

Luckily I found somewhere to volunteer, and as I said it's been incredibly useful even though I was sceptical at first so I would definitely recommend you do that too.

He is slightly overweight. We are both pretty active. Myself until recently.

I get they would want people who are good with kids but at the same time neither of us have careers which would have any need to be involved with kids so to then start volunteering... well if it was me I wouldnt want my kids being around a childless couple...
Its because of all my usless friends! Im blaming them for all not having kids too 😂

My friends adopted and both were teachers. They were still made to do all the child experience so having a child centred job doesn't count for that much.
I have a BMI of 30 and I was asked to do something about it. I went to slimming world but it wasn't monitored properly or anything.
I've also adopted after miscarriage. You must grieve before applying. When I think about my miscarriages now I feel a sadness but also an acceptance. I don't feel sad that I cannot have biological children because my adopted children have filled my life. If I could go back and have a biological baby I would NEVER because I love my children. I appreciate the devastation I felt at the time but I am no longer that person.

That's the point you need to get to; sad but accepting. Adoption is extremely trying. It took me 5 years to go through the process again because I found it so gruelling.

@DoobyDooos

My friends adopted and both were teachers. They were still made to do all the child experience so having a child centred job doesn't count for that much. I have a BMI of 30 and I was asked to do something about it. I went to slimming world but it wasn't monitored properly or anything. I've also adopted after miscarriage. You must grieve before applying. When I think about my miscarriages now I feel a sadness but also an acceptance. I don't feel sad that I cannot have biological children because my adopted children have filled my life. If I could go back and have a biological baby I would NEVER because I love my children. I appreciate the devastation I felt at the time but I am no longer that person.

That's the point you need to get to; sad but accepting. Adoption is extremely trying. It took me 5 years to go through the process again because I found it so gruelling.

They made you do something about your bmi of 30? 😯 thats crazy! I just hope being in a region which seemingly has a high amount of kids needing homes and our willingness to take on more than 1 counts for something.

Honestly, they just mentioned my weight every now and then (really bloody annoying). I would smile, nod and say "yes I've lost a pound" and that would be that. It was a box ticking exercise. Obviously it is important that we are healthy for our children and we prepare healthy food but we do also live in the real world!

@DoobyDooos

Honestly, they just mentioned my weight every now and then (really bloody annoying). I would smile, nod and say "yes I've lost a pound" and that would be that. It was a box ticking exercise. Obviously it is important that we are healthy for our children and we prepare healthy food but we do also live in the real world!

God i hope they arent like that for me. The consultant i waited months to see for recurrent miscarriages wouldnt do any tests and said my weight caused it and i said nothing. Just got her off the phone and bawled my eyes out. I swore I would never let anyone fob me off like that again. For 1 my bmi isnt outrageous, there's ppl twice my size popping them out like no ones business. For 2 i was running 5k 3x per week so it wasnt as if i was unhealthy not to mention if she even checked my notes i have always been heavy, even when visibly small.

She denied i ovulated despite all the tests at home and through the GP and a scan which actually saw my ovulated ovary. Honestly i just do not stand for this level of BS any more. My GP was ready to put in a complaint about her (she was also experiencing a fair level of BS about her fertility from the hospital)

I just hope they are up front in this presentation. I will ask but if we end up down this road and they start pulling this kind of crap i will be so disappointed

We're about to go to matching panel, had approval panel in July and neither of us had much child experience at all, we both have nieces and nephews but that's it. It wasn't held against us at all, and in fact our sw said no amount of child experience will help when looking after your own adopted child.

Just to throw in an alternative opinion..

@claireb7rg

We're about to go to matching panel, had approval panel in July and neither of us had much child experience at all, we both have nieces and nephews but that's it. It wasn't held against us at all, and in fact our sw said no amount of child experience will help when looking after your own adopted child.

Just to throw in an alternative opinion..

Thanks. Thats good to hear. Im going to ask the question. They made such a huge deal about whether we smoked or vaped it would be odd to not mention anything else if its going to be a huge no no. 😕🤷🏻‍♀️

We have so much to offer a child/children and if we could have our own bio children it wouldnt be an issue, i know they have to be careful who they place their kids with.

Fingers crossee for your matching panel! Hope that all goes well!

I think if you would consider a sibling group or higher needs/harder to place children etc then SW are less demanding on you hitting every criteria (that's what I have understood - but I've never been told this directly).

I also get the impression if they feed you shit you eat it!
Not get angry or wound-up as I think this is all part of the testing process (again, these are my own thoughts/opinions) if you are sensitive about your weight (for example - and I understand why you would be after the experiences you have had via the medical profession) then learn how to be bright and breezy about it, and agree that you are making positive healthy choices to reduce your BMIs.

@sospspsp

I think if you would consider a sibling group or higher needs/harder to place children etc then SW are less demanding on you hitting every criteria (that's what I have understood - but I've never been told this directly).

I also get the impression if they feed you shit you eat it!
Not get angry or wound-up as I think this is all part of the testing process (again, these are my own thoughts/opinions) if you are sensitive about your weight (for example - and I understand why you would be after the experiences you have had via the medical profession) then learn how to be bright and breezy about it, and agree that you are making positive healthy choices to reduce your BMIs.

Im not like sensitive gonna argue about it. But i just dont take crap from ppl. In a way i think thats probably a good thing for a child to learn as i was a ppl pleaser for years and suffered to make other ppl happy. Now i just say no if it hurts me or makes me uncomfortable.

I could just challenge them to a quick 5k and see how they felt about my weight after that? Invite them to the allotment for a days weeding and digging ? Hah

Im not like sensitive gonna argue about it. But i just dont take crap from ppl. In a way i think thats probably a good thing for a child to learn

Not only a good thing for children to learn, but such an essential quality for an adoptive parent where you spend so much time advocating for your children’s needs and navigating nonsense from jobs worth professionals (I’m a sw, I’m not being disparaging for no reason). You sound like an ideal candidate in so many ways.

@Jellycatspyjamas

Im not like sensitive gonna argue about it. But i just dont take crap from ppl. In a way i think thats probably a good thing for a child to learn

Not only a good thing for children to learn, but such an essential quality for an adoptive parent where you spend so much time advocating for your children’s needs and navigating nonsense from jobs worth professionals (I’m a sw, I’m not being disparaging for no reason). You sound like an ideal candidate in so many ways.

Wow thanks! 😀

Im not one of these "I will support you even if you're wrong" types but there were so many times in my childhood where no one stuck up for me and brushed things under the carpet.
I think its a benefit of being a bit older too (mid 30s) you've lived a bit and seen things

@sospspsp

I think if you would consider a sibling group or higher needs/harder to place children etc then SW are less demanding on you hitting every criteria (that's what I have understood - but I've never been told this directly).

I also get the impression if they feed you shit you eat it!
Not get angry or wound-up as I think this is all part of the testing process (again, these are my own thoughts/opinions) if you are sensitive about your weight (for example - and I understand why you would be after the experiences you have had via the medical profession) then learn how to be bright and breezy about it, and agree that you are making positive healthy choices to reduce your BMIs.

Yes I could see that too - we're adopting a sibling pair...

We both had bmi’s in high 30’s reduced from low 40’s when we adopted we had proved we could sustain this loss and healthy life style and had a child placed under foster to adopt. I still have sad times about not having experienced pregnancy and giving birth but it’s different it’s not the total black hole it once was it’s more a fleeting feeling and often related to our son and the wish I could have spared him the sadness and confusion that sometimes comes. But on the whole we have an amazing relationship and he is awsome and if I had given birth to him he would be different and I wouldn’t change him for the world. Happy to discuss further if you want to pm me.

@Donteatpurplebroccoli

We both had bmi’s in high 30’s reduced from low 40’s when we adopted we had proved we could sustain this loss and healthy life style and had a child placed under foster to adopt. I still have sad times about not having experienced pregnancy and giving birth but it’s different it’s not the total black hole it once was it’s more a fleeting feeling and often related to our son and the wish I could have spared him the sadness and confusion that sometimes comes. But on the whole we have an amazing relationship and he is awsome and if I had given birth to him he would be different and I wouldn’t change him for the world. Happy to discuss further if you want to pm me.

Thank you!! I just hope they take into account Ive had a bit of a year. Put some weight back on but a lot more active than I used to be so hopefully the weights swinging back in my favour.

@Donteatpurplebroccoli

We both had bmi’s in high 30’s reduced from low 40’s when we adopted we had proved we could sustain this loss and healthy life style and had a child placed under foster to adopt. I still have sad times about not having experienced pregnancy and giving birth but it’s different it’s not the total black hole it once was it’s more a fleeting feeling and often related to our son and the wish I could have spared him the sadness and confusion that sometimes comes. But on the whole we have an amazing relationship and he is awsome and if I had given birth to him he would be different and I wouldn’t change him for the world. Happy to discuss further if you want to pm me.

Could I asked how you evidences this? Did you need to undergo a further medical or just provide details yourself of sustaining the loss? TIA

We lost some before starting stage 1 which we were able to evidence through the gp via the medical. We then agreed to take a 6 month break before stage 2 to sustain this loss and hopefully lose more. My partner lost more than me but I lost about another stone in the 6 months. We then dropped about another half stone through stage 2. It was hard we are both stress eaters and it’s not an easy process!! I naively thought I would lose more once I was a parent as I had wanted it for sooo long. We were very experienced with kids both work with them and have cared for lots of family and friends kids including overnights weeks holidays etc and nothing prepares you for the responsibility of being trusted with this little person!! We have continued to struggle with our weight but are much more active as a family which helps!