Struggling

[Sillyshell]

Hi, am desparete for some advice please. Really struggling with school drop offs and pick ups.

Have just lost it with my two after yet another nightmare pick up and just feel like crying. My son fights me every morning going in, he runs off and I end up chasing him round the play ground or I end up holding on to him and he basically throws himself to the ground.

The thing is he is fine once he's in, he's doing well and mixing fine etc. It just seems to have become a game to him. Comes out happy but then runs off so I'm chasing him round again. Wont hold my hand walking home, ends up half way down the road.

My daughter goes in ok, but the minute she comes out she's shouting at me and refusing to walk which isnt great as by then my son is gone.

Not sure what I'm asking but things cant go on like this, I'm getting more and more angry and it's getting to the stage where's its dangerous.

Sorry for the rubbish spelling, I'm just blurting it all out!

Do you have any support from a social worker? How long since you adopted?

sounds tough

How old are they ?

A couple of things spring to me - do they have issues with transitions?
Are they hungry when they get out of school?

They are 5 and 6 and have been with us for nearly 5 years, it is a newish school which I guess doesnt help but they have been there since April and have settled in ok apart from these issues.

They could be hungry, they do have a snack as soon as we get home and it's only a five minute walk so they dont have to wait long!

I would try having a highly desirable snack ready the minute they get out of school, something like a little chocolate fudge bar even so they can hold your hand on the road and still eat the snack. Totally changes the situation maybe?

What would happen if you didn't engage in the running around the playground in the morning? If you just head for the classroom door without him would he eventually come? And have you spoken to his teacher? The teacher might be able to provide something to motivate him to get into the classroom without the fuss. I was also going to suggest a highly desirable snack straight out of school, even better if the snack was in three or four installments that you're in control of to get you through the five minute walk.

I wonder about something like smarties or tic tacs, then could also be used for walk to school, and could get one at classroom door if top marks arrival? Something to take the stress out of it all. Hard to know what could work but I would be thinking along those lines of distraction/changing the game etc. I also wonder if they do just need a full run around after getting out of school? Could that be incorporated, like being given 5 mins run around the playground before you set off with chocolate? I dont know?

My son struggles with all transitions. In the morning, I often put him in a shower. Water is regulating. We also dress and have 30 minutes of playtime which allows him to do things to regulate. What is your morning routine like? Can you add a time in for your children to have regulation activities?

When I pick up my son, he is given a snack straight away. Then play in the playground for 5 minutes until the other children go home and then we leave: less busy and noisy. He masks a lot at school so he spends all day holding it together and seeing me becomes overwhelming. I wonder if a game of tag or races or scooting up and down the playground for 5 minutes after school would help your kids regulate after holding it together at school? What’s your routine when you get home? We have screen time for 20 minutes with my son sitting as close as he can manage (sometimes on my lap, sometimes across the room). Then it’s often physical activity like trampoline or bike etc.

I don’t know if any of these suggestions are any good but it’s what I’ve found helps.

A suggestion I heard recently was that children who struggle with transitions may need to go in a bit before or after the other children as the mass of everyone going in can be overwhelming. Talk to the SENco about this to get support from school. Another tip was a TA or teacher having an 'important' job for the child each morning.

My son (5) really struggles going into/coming out of school. He basically just runs off (he's soooooo fast) and heads straight to the entrance which is on a busy road He has many Sensory issues and is just totally overwhelmed with the no's of people and noise. Also he has literally zero safety awareness. We have no choice but to do the drop off/pick up via the Office. We can contain him safety wise and it's so much calmer in terms of noise and people.

He has a full time 1:1 who is very much on her toes due to his need to escape the Sensory Overload numerous times a day.

I don't know whether you may need to think this 'extreme' ? Esp as you have two children.

Other posters have given some really good advice

Thank you all so much, some very helpful responses. Sometimes when your in the moment it's hard to see clearly

I think that they do need they time afterwards to let of steam, just wish it could wait until we got out the school gate!

Will def take some snacks this afternoon and just try to go with it a bit more, the world isnt going to end if we spend 5 minutes in the play ground :)

I would talk to them when they are both calm and happy with you at home and say you have some new rules for drop off and pick up, and go through what you would like them to do at each stage, getting them to imagine themselves doing it, and ask them what they think about it, and do this a few times to see if it helps?

You could also say to them that if they want to run around, if they do their best in the playground as you have asked you will take them straight to the park to run around instead, if that is possible? Or make a promise for the weekend.

The move might have knocked them off balance a bit, and so checking in with them regularly about how they are about the move might help too.

He basically just runs off (he's soooooo fast) and heads straight to the entrance which is on a busy road shock He has many Sensory issues and is just totally overwhelmed with the no's of people and noise. Also he has literally zero safety awareness Doing physical things which unite body and brain such as yoga regularly can really help with this, helping with regulation and executive control.

Hi @RomanArch we haven't got anywhere near yoga yet but I have found that long walks with him carrying heavy things in a rucksack has really helped. He says "mummy I feel calmer". I think I probably need to stick a couple of water bottles in his bag for school ! He does love dancing though and says it makes him relaxed.

It sounds like your kids have very different needs which sounds very difficult to manage. I’d focus on trying to keep your son regulated before leaving. When at school, acknowledge his feelings eg I can see you find it hard saying goodbye to me and would rather run away but I will be thinking of you when I do… or I’ve put a little note in your bag from me. Why don’t you go inside with teacher and ask her to read it? It sounds like he has separation anxiety. Do you do anything to hold him in mind?

Also, it sounds like your daughter is overcome with emotion after being left at school and becomes angry at you. My son is the same. He always shouts at me at the same point on the walk home. I wonder if you could agree for a place to meet and allow her to come to you when she is ready. If your son wants to run about in the playground, it’s a safe place. Maybe agree with both children that they must not leave without you and stay in your eyeline but they gave 5 minutes before walking home. Crunchy snacks are regulating so when ready to go, give an apple or something similar?

When you get home, a cup of tea and a biscuit might be in order for you. Cuddle on the sofa and enjoy reconnecting after being apart.

Oh my son is 6 years old and we’ve tried lots of different things to make it easier. Some things work and others don’t. I think it’s trial and error thinking about what works for you and your family.

Hope Monday goes well and you have a good weekend

Lots of good ideas here, I’d echo seeing if changing the drop off routine helps - for a while my DD would go into class 5 minutes early and help the teacher set up or play a board game for 5 minutes.

Also look at what’s happening while they are in school - how trauma informed are the school ie is the physical space busy with lots of wall displays and materials set out, where do your kids sit in the classroom (sitting near the window or door is disastrous for my DD because she’s so hyper vigilant she can’t focus and becomes overwhelmed), do the school have ways of giving them time out, or getting them moving towards the end of the day when they’re feeling burnt out. Other things that help is consistency in the classroom, now and next boards so they know what’s happening and when they’ll move between activities, visual timetables, sensory boxes they can use to self regulate in class. Try not to purely focus on drop off and pick up - while those are the pressure points, what you’re dealing with is the cumulative effect of school.

If you can find a play park on the way home, the swinging, climbing, rocking motions will help discharge the nervous energy and connect them back in their bodies. It’s hard going, I’ve had to really work to make drop off and pick up ok for us all - they still get overwhelmed from time to time but it’s much better than it was.

Comes out happy but then runs off so I'm chasing him round again. Wont hold my hand walking home, ends up half way down the road.

One thing that worked with my running off 5 year old was a clear explanation that ever time he did that he would need to walk holding my hand for 2 lamp lost lengths. Every single time he did it, I’d keep hold of him and he would need to walk. If he dropped to the ground I’d wait beside him, reassuring him but otherwise not engaging, when he was ready, he’d have to walk with me for two lamp post lengths - it meant a lengthy school run/walk to the park or wherever but ultimately he learned if he wanted to walk on his own he needed to stay near me, not mess about etc.