Ex partner reference

[Brieandcamembert]

Hi,

We are in the process of applying for adoption. We were told that any ex partner you lived with for over a year will need to be contacted. My partner has an ex partner from 15 years ago. He hasn't had contact with her for over 12 years and wouldn't know where to find her. Do the adoption agency go looking for people for you ?

No I wouldn't think they have the resources to do that. As long as there are no children involved I don't think they will bother.

None of mine were contacted. I wouldnt worry about it.

I was in a similar situation. They didn't look for them but insisted they needed to send them a reference as we had lived together (no children together). They sent us a 'helpful' form about how to find them which basically listed different social media. In the end they sent a reference to an old address I gave them that the ex might have still been living in but got no reply. They asked for a reference from someone who knew us both at the time instead.
I think maybe it depends on what agency/County you are going through.

My ex and his current partner went into fostering. We hadn't lived together for about 5 years at the time but they got in touch with me. It was only a simple form to fill in...mainly asking why the relationship ended, what are they like, would you recommend them, etc.

This is interesting. I came to the adoption board to look for information on this. Is it only ex partners that you lived with that they will speak to? I've never lived with a partner so will they still contact mine?

It's been causing me worry as one I haven't spoken to for years and despite remaining friends for many years after we split up, she suddenly decided that I was a terrible person and didn't want anything more to do with me. I would be concerned about what she might say about me (baselessly as far as I am concerned but I would of course reflect on anything she did say).

I think you’re only required to disclose significant relationships. And this is of course subjective. I wouldn’t consider a boyfriend/girlfriend of one year, from over a decade ago to be a significant relationship, so I wouldn’t disclose it. I had three relationships before my 10 year relationship with my partner, but I didn’t feel these were significant enough to disclose during the process. I just said I didn’t have significant relationships before. If you disclose it, because you consider it significant enough, then social workers will likely want a reference and even speak to them at some point. So proceed with caution.

Thanks. In fact it was a one year relationship that ended in 2007 so I guess maybe doesn't meet their threshold anyway. It was significant to me as she was in my life in total for about a decade but most of that was as acquaintances or friends. Lots to consider.

I feel like my relationship history doesn't reflect that well on me and it's something that I'm very sensitive about, having not managed to find a long term partner. There's reasons why I might not wish to disclose my most recent relationship but also I wish to be scrupulously honest through the process.

I'm still at the point of having my last few tries to conceive with a donor but plan to review at my next birthday and then start to make preparations to commence the adoption process once I've had time to grieve what might have been and tackle some of the things that need to be done to the house.

I think being scrupulously honest is obviously a good principle, but there are some things that may not affect or have any influence on your capacity to parent that you may not wish to disclose throughout the process. Just remember that anything that you disclose will be looked at in detail by social workers, and some of these things may in the end create a big problem for you and your adoption process. So be honest, but don’t feel you have to disclose every single thing if you don’t feel it is relevant. Just be cautious. For example, I know someone who tried weed when they were young, and this became a big challenge during the adoption process and the social worker involved made a huge deal of it. I also know someone who used to be a social smoker many years ago, and this delayed their process by some months. These are just a couple of examples, but there are others which you may learn about in this forum.