Still not happy within family

[Rosebud2005]

I’ve previously written about ds now telling us he doesn’t want to be part of the family, doesn’t feel connected to the family etc. We get it and why. I just wish I could get him to consider what it means for us to be visiting his granny. She’s 87, unwell for the last year. She’s been there for him since he came to us age 7 but now he says he doesn’t want to part of anything and will not even go see his granny. He’s 15, can I do anything? I don’t want there to be any regrets as we’ve already lost my husbands mum in the past year too.

My son (genetically mine) used to say this kind of hurtful thing at 15 and I used to tell him not to be such an ungrateful little shit. We laugh about it now.
I know he's adopted but this is typical 15 year old behaviour and can go on until 25 when they suddenly start being a bit more grateful.

So I should tell him to get over it then? I keep saying his grandparents are the important people in the whole family and his granny is not getting any younger or healthier. He literally says he doesn’t care about anyone or anything. I’ve taken on board precious advice on here from people but honestly at times it’s making my blood boil

@Rosebud2005

the other poster knows nothing of your story and probably little about adoption so her comments really arent that helpful. Her son does not have another family, your son does.

However at 15 you physically can’t make him go anywhere if he refuses. I think if you try and force things you are in danger of pushing him further away. This is all part of the bigger issues that are going on with him.

Did you get anywhere with theraputic support for him?

He’s started with a private counsellor to talk through things.

Of course it’ll make your blood boil, I can imagine how infuriating it is but @Ted27 is right, you can’t force him to go anywhere at that age. I’d keep talking to him about your mum, if you visit let him know she’s asking after him, talk about your worries for her but without expectation that he’ll sympathise or express concern. Just keep communication open with him.

Think about what you want from him - to care about his gran, to visit regularly, to send a thank you note for a gift received? Then look at how possible what you want us, eg you can’t make him care about her but you can ask him to write a thank you note. You can’t make him visit regularly but you can negotiate that he attends family Christmas.

I keep saying his grandparents are the important people in the whole family and his granny is not getting any younger or healthier.

I’d also be careful about placing people in order of importance, he needs to feel he is important, that his wants and wishes matter especially given he’s trying to pull away. He may also be sub consciously trying to protect himself from yet another loss, in a “if he’s not close to her it won’t hurt when she dies” kind of way.

He may live to regret not spending time with his gran while she’s here - he may not - but trying to force the issue will make things worse.

I was going to suggest he's likely protecting himself from another loss. Especially if your family has already experienced a loss this year.

Pressuring him won't make him go,if anything he'll fight harder against it or shut down and ignore it. I would just invite him when you do go and not make a big deal if he doesn't want to. Ask him if he could consider other ways to reach out to her if that's more comfortable.

I agree, he’s possibly trying to protect himself from having to lose another important person to him. Been there, done that.

You can’t make him do anything, and ultimately it’s up to him. Life is full of regrets and this may well be one of his.

@Rosebud2005

So I should tell him to get over it then? I keep saying his grandparents are the important people in the whole family and his granny is not getting any younger or healthier. He literally says he doesn’t care about anyone or anything. I’ve taken on board precious advice on here from people but honestly at times it’s making my blood boil

He's 15 , and behaving like a lot of 15 yr olds.

Do you think what he could be avoiding the the pain of losing beloved granny; because an adopted child already feels the pain of family loss. He "lost" his parents.

I keep saying his grandparents are the important people in the whole family and his granny is not getting any younger or healthier.

Please don't say things like this to a troubled child. It's emotional blackmail.

And it's rubbish to suggest that older family members are more "important" than others.

I don’t mean it to sound like I said it in this way, but maybe I’ve been wrong I saying anything. I understand how he is feeling about his own past etc and since coming into the family he has always been such a cheery boy but it worries me he’s drifting away so much from us all. Everyone adores him but he just finds it so hard to relate to anyone or want to know them. The part that I was referring to that made my blood boil is just that I can’t seem to get him to communicate or explain why he doesn’t want to, he just says he doesn’t want to. I realise even at 15 it can be difficult to articulate how they’re feeling but we just want so desperately for him to feel loved and wanted by everyone x

I may be reading this wrong but it sounds like you are putting him under a lot of pressure to explain himself.
He is 15, and a troubled 15. Maybe he doesn’t know why, maybe he hasnt got the words.

Do you think you need to back off a bit?

Is the counsellor an adoption specialist?

That’s the last thing I’m trying to do. Maybe I’m not explaining myself very well.
I’m basically trying to find out if I can help him in any way feel like he’s part of the family. He is going through counselling now so hopefully this may help him work out some things about his feelings.

15 year olds are often uncommicative and unlikely to want to do family activities. Even if you ignore the adoption element (not advising that at all) it's a time of establishing identity as a young adult and outside of your family unit.

I don't think you can fix his feeling as not part of the family which is what you're seeming to want. I think he needs acceptance from you that he feels that way and that's OK.

Then you can reassure him that you don't feel that way that he is your family no matter what.

He may not always feel this way and he likely needs support from an adoption specialist, he may be struggling with his life story and how that relates to his identity now.

Find other ways to connect with him that are low pressure for him, little online games that you can play in different rooms, getting into a TV program you watch together once a week etc.

I would say something slightly different. I am adopted and went to live with adoptive parents at 6, so there is a small similarity there - though it isn't possible to second guess what he is feeling as all adoptees are different. I don't think it is a good idea for the OP to back off, unless he is distressed when talking - is he distressed OP? I would say the opposite, the better the OP understands him, the better - though clearly within the bounds of normal, I am assuming that the OP isn' cornering him and interrogating him!

I also think it is good to talk to him about being kind and respectful - again, unless he is very mentally fragile at the moment - it is important to remind children and teens - even adopted teens - about these sort of social obligations, because ultimately their lives will be better if they are aware of how they fit in with others and that it is a mutual thing, being kind to others will ultimately benefit them too.

I would completely validate his thoughts and feelings about adoption and be honest about how you feel about it, OP, but also talk about responsibilities to others and why this is important. I would also show him the video by dan siegel about the teenage brain, and see if he is interested in that.

The caveat to this is that if he is very fragile, you need to put his needs here first, and not pressure him to visit anyone if that will further distress him. Only you can judge that, OP.

I think it is not wise to disregard advise from someone simply because they are not an adopter by the way. Disregard advice you think is poor advice, but certainly as an adoptee I greatly benefited from my adoptive parents having non adopter input, from people with experience of the age group and ultimately having good relationships with their older or adult children. Adoption issues will not always be relevant.

Thank you, it is a hard act trying to balance the adoption/age thing and working out what is ‘teenage’ and what is adoption related. He doesn’t come across as distressed at all but is always very quiet in general. I do agree I can’t back off completely as he needs me. He needs constant reassurance where his place is within the family and who we are. He’s had a lot of moving around in his young life and even now still expects it, this is why he is pushing everyone away so much right now. Just getting him talking is a lot of work but so is a good thing that he’s doing it with someone

Has he always had a relationship with his grandparents that he would say is good?

I'm going to come at this from a similar but different perspective.

My DM has always been upset that I wasn't more engaged or interested in my very elderly grandparents. I'm autistic and had an unusual childhood but I'm not adopted.

My DM often confused her relationship with my elderly grandparents with her relationship with them.

By the time I was a teenager they were extremely infirm and had mentally deteriorated greatly. Id never had the relationship with them that she had, but she obviously remembered them in happier times when they were well and happy. I had no memory of those times.

She obviously loved them so much and had a lifetime of memories with them. From even my earliest memories of them they were confused, unwell and not too sure who I was. I never had a strong "relationship" with them as such.

But she was so very desperate for me to have had that relationship with them (that had never really existed) that she was so upset that I wasn't more devastated by their decline.

But I felt I'd never really had a relationship with them in the way she was imagining, plus being a teenager (and not neurotypical) which meant she was interpreting me as being cold and disengaged. Whereas I felt I wasn't losing anything because I'd never really had it.

Sorry if that comes across as cold, I'm not great at trying to explain what I'm saying. But perhaps he didn't have the relationship with them that you remember or wish? So he's not feeling the same loss and sadness.

I always tried to respect my Dms feelings, but I felt I couldn't pretend to have the feelings that I didn't have.

OP Notwithstanding what I said about adoption not always being the key thing in upbringing, and not really relevant to this thread, I do think that the lifestory work specific to adoption is very important, were you able to organise this? I have given this advice before - I do feel it would be beneficial to give some serious thought to facilitating his meeting up with his BM - ie do the ground work and maybe discuss with the person doing lifestory work. Otherwise he will end up trying to deal with this side of things on his own.

To clarify, I said back off a bit. Of course he needs reassurance, to know you are there, but maybe there are other ways of doing it rather than just trying to get him to talk?
As carelesssquid says try to find other ways to connect, a family movie night or games night with a bucket of popcorn, a shared TV programme. My son used to love getting those little tokens which said things like I love you, or thinking of you. He carries one in his wallet. He also loved getting cards and letters from his nanny and grandad. I know you said grandma is unwell but could someone help her write something to him.

I’d agree with @Ted27 around finding connectedness in creative ways. He may never be able to say he feels loved or part of the family (he may have no idea what that feels like to even be able to recognise it). Keeping connection, keeping him central to things will communicate love in very tangible ways and may be a way for him to accept care.

The part that I was referring to that made my blood boil is just that I can’t seem to get him to communicate or explain why he doesn’t want to,

He may not be able to articulate this himself, or may worry that if he does say what he thinks you’ll be hurt or upset. The best way for him to feel part of the family is for you to behave like he’s part of the family - routines, activities, processes that are part of family life. If you think about it how would you go about explaining what you needed to feel part of the family? Whatever your answer is, do that for him, a lot.

Adoption is one of those things where we need to talk about things which are usually implicit in relationships- things like what it means to belong, unconditional love, family relatedness, I find it tricky as an adult, god knows how a teen would manage.