Photos of birth parents in life story book for toddler

[Aswegoalong]

We have recently received life story book (laminated pages bound by a ribbon) and I am very tempted to remove the pages with pictures of his birth parents and siblings. I think our adopted son (2 and 3/4s) isn't ready to see these pictures. We have been recalling with him when we first met (a year ago) and looking at pictures of his foster parents and their life together (he was aged 4-18 months with them) and meeting the foster parents regularly and I am happy to tell him about the fact that he had a tummy mum before that. He hasn't had contact with her for over 18 months or any of his siblings. Did anyone else get photos of birth family in their life story book and when did they start showing it to adopted child? Could I remove those pages and 'reinstate' them later?

I would keep the photos, as that’s a very important part of his life and the more you are open and frank about his biological family, the less issues you will have in the future. For example, by being open about it and not showing any reservations when it comes to his life story, he is less likely to idealise them. We kept the photos of our kids’ biological parents in their life-story books and we talk about it openly. They have a right to know who their birth parents are. However, they are now in school age. I wouldn’t really bother to start reading a life-story book to a child until they are at least 4-5 years old. I would instead focus on laying the ground by using the word adoption without making it a taboo and by trying to convey what that is (in a child friendly way of course). Our kids always had access to their biological parent’s photos and they know their names and the circumstances that led to their adoption. I think that by having this sort of open environment, they are less intrigued and they are also more confident when it comes to asking us questions.

I agree it's too much information at this age. We talked a lot about time with foster carers and ds has always known he's adopted but his understanding of what that really means has been built over time. I didn't start talking about birth parents until he was four. Around that age was when he started to get interested in where babies come from so it seemed very easy to bundle it up with that: babies grow in a mummy's tummy, but you didn't grow in my tummy you grew in x's tummy. Then showing photos fell quite logically after this.

Why not leave the pictures there, but don't dwell on them?
My gut is that it would be 'wrong' to remove them entirely, and if you do you may be tempted to keep putting off putting them back.

Children take things literally at his age he's unlikely to comprehend what you say and just accept.

"Oh that's your tummy mummy/dad/brother"
And move on!

Our son’s life story book has photos of his whole birth family in. He’s seen them. He’s 2 and knows the name of his birth mum. When we write letterbox he draws a picture and we get her photo out and I say we are drawing a picture for X, you grew in her tummy etc etc. I’m not sure how much he understands of course but at least he’s aware. I really wouldn’t take the photos out. We are kind of just assuming that as we keep doing this he will have more questions as he gets older and we’ll take it from there. I think if you take the photos out it’s going to become a bigger issue then putting them back in and having to explain.

My son is 3 and was removed at 9 months. He knows the name of his birth mother (I don’t use the word ‘mother’ yet in any form as I think that would be confusing) and that he grew in her tummy. He then knows he stayed with his FC while his SW looked for a mummy for him. He’s seen photos of her and knows when I do letterbox as I always ask if he has any questions for her. The photos are useful as it gives context to who I’m talking about. I make sure it’s very matter of fact and unemotional.

Wouldn't taking the photos out now make it a much bigger 'thing' that you'll have to re-introduce later anyway? As your dc is under 3, you can start talking to them about bps in a way that they'll never remember being told and will feel they've always known. If you remove the pics you'll have to put them back in at a stage when your dc is much more aware of the significance.

I'd go with the keeping the pics in the book for familiarisation but skimming over light touch when talking about them for now. That's Anna and Bill. They made you and you grew in Anna's tummy and then moving on to stories of dc with the foster carers or you.

Just wanted to say thanks for all the answers, we're not quite there yet but this has all been very useful. Love the idea of a board book I didn't know you could get those made. And will definitely leave in birth family photos.

I wouldn’t take them out, I agree with @UnderTheNameOfSanders , leave them there, if you feel it’s too much info, skim over. We’ve done little and often info with our kids, our aim is that nothing ‘comes as a surprise’. The dialogue changes, the explanations become longer and more sophisticated as they get older, but nothing is a shock. If you take them away, it then becomes a ‘thing’ that you will delay in reintroducing.

We recently had to tell our kids that their BF had died. We prepared as best we could, informed teachers so that they could/can keep an eye on them too. But they now know, and it’s a relief that we didn’t put it off, they coped quite well (but they are 5 & 6) so it’s all still
so abstract. When they are older and can reflect on how this will affect them, there will be some bumps, but it will still not be a surprise…now we build on this news with age appropriate information.

Thank you very much everyone for taking the time to write. It's been enormously helpful and I feel encouraged to be able to leave the photos in and just skim over them for now. @JohnPA
@Remy7 that's just the format the book came in from the local authority - it doesn't look very 'finished, but I've realised the advantage of it, being that we can jump in at any point in his story and work forward or go backwards from his present day which includes photos of us together with him and our wider family and then go back as far as he wants to on any given day. @JohnPA what you say about waiting til he gets to an age when he asks about mummy's tummy sounds right. It's more or less what the psychologist said when I spoke to her last night and she said at that point we can get her involved to help him work through that part of his story. Thanks again everyone for the support.

Hi there, my DS was adopted at 13ms and had pictures of birth family in his life book. In my own view 2 years down the line this has proved an incredibly helpful way for us to build up a (currently simple) narrative for him to understand his life journey and it's v important to me that he knows what they look like, their names, and has an image of them in his minds. I personally wouldn't advocate for removing these pages as I've really learnt (despite initial scepticism) that life story work really does begin at a much earlier age than you realise. Our work in these early years talking to him about simple concepts and showing him photos on a regular basis is starting to pay off now. he can at 3 provide a basic story of who these people are and why he was adopted (obvs v simply) and I think that if we didn't use photos as an aid for thhis, we coould be struggling to get to that place by age 4 or 5