Support Network

[Nadelemis]

Hi There, I was wondering if there are adopters or prospective adopters in North London who would like to connect with my partner and I to help us build a local support network. Our agency is asking us to take a pause between stages to get more local support and whilst we have been trying to build local relationships, we all know it's not that easy at certain age and with the pandemic lockdowns and restrictions. We have a couple friends of ours who live at a 10 min walking distance but, all others are located at a 15min/30 min drive distance and our family live abroad. Thank you!!!

Sorry, not in North London.

What is it that they feel is lacking?
You need emotional support which can be from people anywhere.
You do of course need access to practical support

• if your child was ill who could go to pharmacy for you
• if you were ill who would you call on to look after your child
• have you got anyone who could come over if you became desperate

Or are they saying you don't know local adopters to meet with (that would seem to be a very specific requirement)

How wide ranging have you been with identifying support?
We put down neighbours, GP, adoption UK message boards, family miles away, friends also 30 mins away etc. Identified professional, emotional, practical, adoption specific support.

We have a very wide support Network and people who are willing to drive 15/30 min in the middle of the night to come in if we need them to. In addition to plenty of emotional support from family abroad but, the agency wants more people at a walking distance it seems. We have one couple but, they don't think it's enough. We moved in February during the pandemic and unfortunately, there is only one lady living in the building and she's not very talkative ( tried my best to build rapports with her ). I could try our adjacent building neighbours but, it seems a bit odd to force it and there hasn't been any "natural'' opportunity so far. I think the agency is trying to drag the process because they know there aren't many children available right now and being extra picky. They want us as adopters and have repeated many times that we are extremely string candidates but, still they are making it quite complicated to progress which is frustrating.

I’d agree, try and clarify what they feel is missing

specifying walking distance is ridiculous, 15 mins drive is nothing really.

Maybe they could also specify what walking distance is? I don’t drive, for me walking distance is anything less than an hour

Have you joined Adoption UK? they are great for support network and community meet ups?

Honestly, your support network changes so much when you have children. I barely speak to lots of my local friends - they’re all having a TERRIBLE time working and drinking and having fun - and I now have more in common (and am subsequently closer to) with local parents. Before my son came home I talked at all my neighbours and lined up a huge support network to appease my SW. My son came home in the first lockdown last year and I physically couldn’t see anybody anyway. The first person I left him with was a new solo parent I met and got to know very well at the playground (we became a support bubble). The second and only other person I’ve left him with was a neighbour with a girl the same age as him (one of his best friends). I didn’t know these people before placement but they have been invaluable on an emotional and practical level, more so than friends and family. I feel fortunate that my son now feels comfortable and safe with other people too, but again, hardly any of those were in my beautiful support network map I did.

Thanks everyone for responding!

@mahrezzy, I know what you are saying! I did say exactly that to the SW and explained that I could have filled up the ecomap with random people to check the box but, I was honest and only added people I can really count on...but, it does look like this is just a "checking the box" for them at the end of the day.

@scully29, Yes! The events that are supposed to be for North London are actually run in North west London and in neighbourhoods far away from us. I did reach out to the organiser to ask if it was at all possible to put me in contact with local adopters or organise a local event...still waiting for a response.

@Ted27 I had a very long conversation with the SW and whilst she did not say literally "walking distance" she kept saying someone who can come in the middle of the night for an emergency and quickly. I know that is ridiculous because even if someone is local, it doesn't mean they will pick up the phone in the middle of the night or be ready to come walking any sooner than someone who needs to drive. This is a box ticking kind of requirement and mainly due to the fact that they do want us as adopters but, they want to drag the process due to the lack of children with adoption orders at the moment.

They also are asking us for 6 months to 1 year face to face child experience which I don't think it's the norm. I would say most people would do just a few sessions and call it a day. We have been doing online volunteering ( 8 face to face sessions myself pre-pandemic ) and we will resume face to face now which would give us at least 4 months face to face experience for panel but, again...they are making complicated. I am considering changing agencies but, I like our SW and the S1 paperwork was a nightmare! I don't feel I have the energy to start over either.

Hi @Nadelemis it really does seem like your Agency are just trying to delay things...

Pre - child my Support Network list was massive. On paper it looked like I would have support coming out of my ears....He came home during Lockdown and we barely saw anyone for a year except immediate family. So I (single mum to an extremely challenging then 4 year old) barely got any practical support !!

The reality I have found is that my family and some work friends have supported me. My old friends just messaged me once or twice and that was it. They disappeared. I have focused on my loved ones who have supported me and my son (5). And built up so many new threads of support- other Adopters met via my Agency, online forums, NAOTP & Adoption UK virtual meet ups and webinars. And of course parents from school.

I know that many people's Support Network completely changes after Placement.

Hang in there @Nadelemis and do lots of smiling and nodding !

@Nadelemis it literally is a box ticking exercise, it’s good practice for when you have a strong willed child you need to nod serenely and say ‘yes dear’ to them.

But you do also need to put the work in. I volunteered for six months and actively built my support network up, not because I felt it was the right thing to do but to show I can build new friendships. Totally get the thing where SWs assume you have friends who have nothing else going on in their lives but waiting for a 3am phone call from you. But it is good to have people you can ring if you ever need to. (obvs)

Sorry for the delayed reply here! @Chocapple Thank you! Yes, I am trying my best to become as robotic as possible and just say yes to everything. Very hard when you are a logical person who does need to understand the "why" behind everything...

@mahrezzy you're so right! I laughed very hard when I read your comment about the strong willed child . I am doing all what I can to build up a stronger support network...feel like I'm "intruding" in people's lives though asking them to become my friend so I can adopt, lol

They are now happy with the support network but, asked me to gain more childcare experience with younger age groups ( been volunteering with girls-guiding for a year and a half but, they the girls are over 8 years old). So now I am pestering all nurseries and prep-schools around to take me in as a volunteer. I guess part of it as well is to see if we'll say at some point we've had enough and give up.

Gosh this is bizarre. All of our support network were at least half an hour away. As other people have said, we have met a lot more people since having a child, and there are people locally I could call on now, but it’s taken four years to get that place.
It’s both unfair and unrealistic to expect people’s support network to be physically close. That’s not how relationships work in real life!

It would be much more helpful if Agencies said they are short staffed, there are less children available etc... rather than pulling up nonsense tactics e.g 'lack' of support network. Grr