Bedtime for 1 year old

[AbsolutelyDoneInNow]

Hi all,
Posting a new thread as my reply to my old one will likely be lost.

Baby boy came home in June, so early days. Had a rough start due to illness but then settled well.

He is now having to deal with people going back to work and school etc. It's terrible.

In the day he is clingy and that's fine. He is quite happy as long as he is in the same room as someone.

Bedtime....angry screaming, shouting and cries himself to sleep. He is 14months now and I cry every night because I'm tired and it's hard listening to screaming. It's also affecting our other older child, who is an anxious flower.

Every week is a new phase but this one is the worst. We've tried:

1. Sitting and patting (worked for a week but makes him angrier now)
2. Holding him (works sometimes, other times makes him angry)
3. singing to him etc (he can't hear it above his screams)
4. Giving him a bottle in bed. I don't like this one as it's not good for teeth etc but we were desperate. It worked well for a couple of weeks but not now.
5. Co sleeping - doesn't work! He just wants to play! And he crawls everywhere so it isn't safe as he will fall off the bed.
6. Leaving him alone. This has actually worked a couple of times in that he screams at us if when we go in the room then quietens right down when we leave as if we were keeping him up! There is no routine though.

So what do you do with a child who will take NO comfort from you? If you pick him up he arches his back and wants to get away. If you put him down he becomes furious. He is very strong so I've tried firmly holding him to help him feel secure but he wriggles/pushes etc. He has no idea what he wants to feel better and neither do we.

I know this is as a result of change/being new and it's made harder because he can't verbalise his feelings. He is just a ball of rage. I'm concerned about how it is affecting our other child too, who just doesn't understand why her brother is so sad. We've had lots of chats etc but she is scared he wants to leave us.

Bedtime routine is: Dinner half 4ish. Then bath because he is covered in food! Then pyjamas. Then downstairs to play. Then bottle then bed.

He is absolutely knackered. Tried bringing bedtime forward and it was terrible.

Once asleep he does manage about 4hours at a time only at the moment which goes with his sleep cycle. Then wakes screaming.

Ideas?

Congratulations on your new son!

We adopted our son this year and has been with us now 9 months and is 1. Those first few months are so hard so sending big hugs. They don't know what they want and this unfortunately is a phase you will go through until he begins to feel safe.

I wonder whether a change to your bed routine could help. Our lo sleeps 730 till 6ish. He wakes to a bottle, breakfast at 8ish, lunch at 12 and dinner at 530/6 with snacks all day in between. Once we have dinner, its bath, down for a bottle and then up to bed where he now goes off usually with little fuss. He has about 2 hrs of nap a day, either 1 long or 2 shorter. We always make sure he is tired for bed, i.e we will start the routine earlier or later if needed. We don't allow him to play etc in the middle of the routine as we try to 'wind him down'.

Sounds like your lo needs help to feel safe (we are still giving formula to our 19month old because he just doesn't cope without), can you think of some routines or things FC did with him that you can do to help him have more familiarity? I find when he is having a hard day just giving him his favourite foods or going back to puree food etc can really help.

How does he nap during the day? We found our lo would associate his bedroom with being alone so even now I still do other things with him in there each day like play, let him play while I tidy his wardrobes etc, change him... Just so that it isn't just seen as a lone place. Just a thought.

Good luck tho it's so tough!

“So what do you do with a child who will take NO comfort from you?”

I can identify with some of this and especially this line. For me, taking no comfort from me was when my son (came home at 21 months) wouldn’t accept my touch at nighttime when he was petrified. He would wake 5+ a night screaming and would cower if I tried to touch him - hugs, kisses, rocking, etc…. All the things you’d naturally do for a screaming baby who is scared to sleep. He’d only take comfort from a bottle. He had lots of night bottles at that time.

What worked for me was talking to him through his toy comforter (he has a great attachment to a couple of them) which calmed him down and comforting the toy and doing what I wanted to do for my son to the toy. Felt surreal at 4am on little sleep for weeks but it did help. Also played out night scenarios with toys in day time. When he calmed he did start to co sleep with me (I’m a single adopter) and the more he felt safe with me (time, consistency, routine, me not losing my shit as much as I could have done cos I was exhausted), the more he slept. He sleeps through the night in my bed most nights now but processes the days while asleep / at night so sometimes he can get upset or wake me up for an honesty chat. He’s started to make moves to sleep in his own bed now (he’s 3) and I’m thrilled for him.

Sometimes they need time and space to work through their feelings. Stay with him. Apologise to neighbours. It does pass x

This is so hard and something that is very common for us Adopters.

My DS (5) goes through phases of settling down very quickly and taking much longer often hours with huge screaming fits and violence.

It all stems from insecurity of being alone from me at night. Night time was when he would hear all the DV and all the comings and goings of various 'visitors'

All I can say is that it DOES get better and I know exactly how hard it is. The Placement almost disrupted at one point as I was absolutely exhausted from weeks and weeks of hardly any sleep and being subject to hours of significant violence.

Hang in there... you are doing a great job. And sleep is your best friend... sleep when you can even for 20 mins and FORGET about having a tidy home !!

X

The main thing that helped us was a consistent morning routine. We always got up at the same time and did the same thing every day regardless of what day of the week it was, whether it was a holiday or how much sleep they'd had the night before. Then we got nap time sorted too. She hated me in the night for around 3 years. We tried almost everything before we came to the conclusion that the best thing to do was to pick a routine that worked for us and stick with it regardless of her reaction on any given night. Our most successful routine was go to bed after in the night garden followed 20 minutes of watching something on an iPod in bed from CBeebies. The iPod automatically switched off at 7.20 until the following morning and we'd stay with her until she fell asleep. She was about a year older though than yours when we started doing this. These days she's 5 and she goes up at 7.15, has a story and we sit on the landing until she falls asleep.

How is he with music? We used Sleepy Sounds app for years and years - it plays the same lullabies (no words) on repeat. Sometimes silence is scary. Worth a try!

That sounds so so hard and I have no experience with one not wanting comfort only with terrible bedtimes so may be completely no help, but I didnt want to not reply just in case the thoughts I had could help, I dont know.
1- I wouldnt come back downstairs after bath, Id stick to quiet play in bedroom, maybe watch night garden on kindle/ipad. Have a definite consistant routine but once up for bath stay up with them the whole time.
2- give yourself a break from future worries like where you mention a bottle not being good for teeth, too much pressure on yourself and if a bottle works go with it, as it used to work go back to that and stick with it, be consistent even if rejected and keep at it, not forcing atall but there if wanted, and put away all worries over teeth, this is a way bigger thing than that.
3- co sleeping - if crawling out of bed is a worry Id go just to mattress , I did this for mine and slept with them every night, being up off the floor isnt essential so maybe remove the bed legs and sleep on the floor with them, or next to them if they dont accept you too close.
4- i see you say they just want to play, would a peaceful show help settle on the ipad/kindle like nightgarden or cebebbies daydreams? may be enough to distract. (may of course be too much excitement too I dont know!) when mine has nightmares now I still use the daydreams sound only to distract their mind at bedtime (age 6).
And yes go with complete routine routine routine so he knows whats coming etc, all day everyday the same.
I know these may be no help but wanted to try to help because it sounds so hard! Take it easy on yourself and yes sleep anytime you can.

I really feel for you. Our ds is 2.5 and been home a year now, sleep is an ongoing issue (he really fights it and us especially around any change) but I remember really clearly the early days where he also looked terrified of us and in a rage. It’s quite traumatic I think as an adopter to be so close to this sort of distress, and especially when you’re also sleep deprived. I have no magic answer but what has worked for us in the short term during tough phases is letting him fall asleep on one of us (in the lounge or our bed) watching gruffalo or stick man or looking at story books. He then sleeps through when we carry him through to his cot. I think it’s important to meet him wherever he is, which it sounds like you are really doing by being flexible and trying different things. I also wouldn’t worry about the bottle and teeth at this stage (though it’s hard not to feel guilty whatever you do). It’s really early days and you all need to do whatever it takes to get some rest. I hope he is soon feeling a bit more settled again.

Thank you all. Just to answer some points:

Sounds like your lo needs help to feel safe (we are still giving formula to our 19month old because he just doesn't cope without), can you think of some routines or things FC did with him that you can do to help him have more familiarity? I find when he is having a hard day just giving him his favourite foods or going back to puree food etc can really help.

We are still following the foster carer routine. Has his comforter, bottle play then bed. I take your point about not allowing play, will try that! He screams before nap but then naps for 1.5 - 2hours so once he is down it's ok. We often just do purée food depending on his mood (which is very changeable!)

The main thing that helped us was a consistent morning routine. We always got up at the same time and did the same thing every day regardless of what day of the week it was, whether it was a holiday or how much sleep they'd had the night before. Then we got nap time sorted too. She hated me in the night for around 3 years. We tried almost everything before we came to the conclusion that the best thing to do was to pick a routine that worked for us and stick with it regardless of her reaction on any given night.

I think the fact that my daughter has gone back to school will be helpful in a week or two. She is very loud so baby is now being woken up at 7am whether he likes it or not! He was a lot more tired today and was happier for nap. I exhausted him in the afternoon too and he didn't have the energy to scream at bedtime even. Perhaps that is the way forward, he is a child he needs to be exhausted. Doesn't feel healthy though!

How is he with music? We used Sleepy Sounds app for years and years - it plays the same lullabies (no words) on repeat. Sometimes silence is scary. Worth a try!

He came with a white noise thing and that did absolutely nothing in our house for him. He loves music so we have lullabies playing for 2hours. Again, when he is upset he is so furious it makes no difference. We played the soothing song his foster carer played and that worked for weeks but it does nothing for him this week.

Thank you also for ideas around routine. He threw the routine he had with the foster carer the minute he moved in with us...so we've had to take time building them back up again. Then he gets ill and it all goes to shit. Or he teeth's. It's hard keeping to a routine with a baby who doesn't want one. Well, he does but he doesn't!

I'm definitely going to try no more playing at bedtime. I usually put his noisey toys away and we do watch the calming CBBC shows. Think I will leave bath until later then let him watch tv in someone's arms with a bottle rather than any playing.

I feel a tiny bit better today, if only reading about how you all suffer too!

With DS1 he had a couple of things which would give him comfort - those snuggly little things you can normally get in supermarkets, and blankets with labels. So he would literally go to sleep holding those each night. Also - after trying different musical toys, we got a singing hippo which would play and project lights on the ceiling for about 45 mins and then restart if he cried which became a great comfort. At 3 he will happily sit with a label and though the hippo isn’t switched on anymore it’s still in his room

With DS2 he wouldn’t settle even with FCs routine and in the end it turned out he had reflux, and I think was quite uncomfortable with stomach acid, so once started on gaviscon that became much easier. He’s not so bothered about blankets etc but he does have music on to go to sleep

We don’t do any play or TV after bath, it’s bath, teeth, story, bed here, usually started about 6.15 and in bed for 7

I saw on your other thread about the screaming and screaming - if you have definitely ruled out any pain/infection/medical issue, you could try taking him for a drive in the car with lullabies, the motion may eventually send him to sleep and you may be able to transfer him from the carseat straight to cot and this would give your other dc a break from the screaming.

I think TV can make sleep difficult, even soft TV - I am sorry if I missed this and you have tried it already but you could try reading to him, him in cot and you sitting next to cot, picture books and voices might be calming and distracting.

I wouldn't worry about teeth if a bottle helps him settle. We were giving DS a bottle in his room in the dark at 14 months and then cuddling him if he wasn't asleep after it finished. He wouldn't go in the cot without screaming but was ok in our arms. HV said his comfort was more important at that age than getting teeth brushed after the bottle and he didn't come with a dummy or special toy he was attached to or anything else. Your bedtime TV plan sounds good. DS is 2 now and has been home nearly a year and still clingy but nothing like those early days.

I feel your pain! We had very similar bedtime struggles with LO for the first few months. In the end, on the advice of our HV, we stopped following the foster carer's bedtime routine and found our own flow instead and things settled down very quickly after that.

Don't feel you have to stick to the foster carer's routine; if the routine isn't working it needs to change!

It will get better though! Our LO went from waking every two hours at first to sleeping 7-7. You'll get there! xxx

We have a bad sleeper. He's been home over a year. Some of the below things work for us and some of them don't but all have been recommended. Ultimately what works for one child won't work for another, you need to pick the one that's right for you, and your little one.

1. Firstly, remember that kids pick up on stress very, very quickly. If you're stressed they will react. You need to keep yourself calm, both on the inside and outside.

1. Take little one up to their room about 30 minutes before bed. Close the curtains and dim the lights. Play with very relaxing toys or read books. I think this approach works best for children which need help calming down before bed.

1. Have a bath or shower and then get little one into bed within 20 minutes. Apparently, if they find water a relaxant this can help them feel sleepy. If water excites them, this may not work.

1. Get the temperature right! Amazing how easy it is to forget this and what a difference it makes. Think about pyjamas, bedding, heating etc. to make a comfortable environment.

1. Just add water. Giving a drink during a screaming episode can help them to take a breather and stop the screaming.

I have a hitter. Our problem is during the night rather than at the start though. If you're not in the room he screams. If you're in the room he rolls and kicks and hits but has no obvious comfort from me being there. Interestingly my OH can settle him more than me.

During the night often we get up and play which sounds daft but works. Sometimes I think he is struggling to calm down so much that he needs to wake all the way up, become aware, calm down and only then can he go back to sleep, so we turn the lights on very low and play with jigsaws and cuddly toys. Often he'll then ask to go back to bed.

It's really hard, especially when they can't verbalise what they want.

Sending you hugs