Help! DD very disregulated at bedtime

[Rainallnight]

DD (5) is finding the transition to the new school year really hard. She loved her last teacher and misses her really badly, as well as just generally struggling with the change to a new classroom and teacher.

She’s actually doing ok in the daytime but then it ALL comes out at bedtime, and we’ve been seeing big meltdowns and taking a long time to get to sleep. She seems to have a lot of anxious/angry energy in her body and thrashes about for a LONG time.

Any ideas for how to handle this? I was thinking of doing something physical with her in the afternoon to try to work through some of that energy.

But I’d love some ideas for other strategies I could explore. Thanks.

If you think about the window of tolerance video, is she usually within her window of tolerance or outside it? Because it is likely that there is more than one thing playing into this - though school is very stressful.

Taking her for a walk after school is almost certainly going to help, as long as possible without tiring her out. And during that time if you can get her to talk about what has happened during the day that will help too.

Dan Siegel talks about the name it to tame it - if you are able to talk about what it is which she is bothered about, it will have an immediate calming effect.

The difficulty is working it out, and helping the child talk about it. And also for the parent to stay calm and believe that they can help their child.

Something physical sounds a great plan. A trampoline is good. Is she scared you will leave her when she's asleep?

Could you try a weighted blanket? Bedtime is a tricky transition, when everything comes out. A really long bath could be something to try? The splashing, and sensory integration of it.

Does she know her old teacher hasn't forgotten her?

Some great suggestions from pp already especially about walks, except use etc. so I won’t repeat. Ours used to have a very set routine before bed, same CBeebies programme, bath, story etc. We don’t have to be so rigid now. They have always had a little time on their own in their bedrooms before sleep to play or read. Our eldest seemed to need to ‘uncoil’ in his own peaceful space after the bedtime routine for a little while before lights out. My youngest likes me to tell her ‘I’m going to check on her in 20 mins’. Return to school is hard, I know my kids are so eager to please during the school day, that it all bubbles over when they get home
Or in the car going home.

Not except use, I meant exercise.

I have had lots of this and especially during Transitions, anniversary of Move, birthdays etc. I have found that Whale music or baby Mozart really helps along with keeping the light on.

Ultimately though my son just needs to go in my bed and will then very quickly sleep. Night time was a very scary time and he has vivid memories of what he heard and saw.. I tried everything I could for 9 months or so and I have figured "hey what is better... 3/4 hours of mayhem several times a week and us both being exhausted OR him sleeping in my bed with minimal dysregulation." Luckily I only have to do this maybe twice a week now... and he is in the main now happy and able to go to sleep in his own bed.

I have also found that going to bed much earlier is really helpful. Sometimes I'm in bed at 8pm so I can really be on it tip top. Last week I went to bed at 7pm - lol.

You are doing great OP and things will get better... it may be a while tho.

Thank you all so much. Great suggestions.
She already sleeps full time in my bed, which started at the beginning of the pandemic (we moved country suddenly to be with my mum when she was dying) and she just won’t go back to her own bed. So we’ve ticked that one off!

I lie with her till she goes to sleep. Weighted blanket definitely a good idea.

Her old teacher is around and helping with the class’s transition, but that might be making her even sadder.

She’s actually really good at articulating her feelings and we’ve had lots of chats about how she’s feeling and how she’ll feel differently when she’s got a bit used to it. But there’s definitely something bubbling over right at the very end of the day.

I’m taking her to the paddling pool after school, water is always very regulating for her, and then a long bath before bed.

It’s tricky because she gets very oppositional and boundary pushing when she gets like this too, so won’t always want to do what’s healthy.

And thank you @Chocapple, it doesn’t always feel like it!

I had very similar experience with my DD. Kept it all in at school and during the day then total meltdown at bedtime. It’s really hard going but it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Things that have worked for or helped us over the years (in no particular order):

Weighted blanket
Sleeping bag to feel safe and enclosed
Calm app
Meditation - there’s some great kids meditation books available, we had one based on fairy stories I think, I read the meditation to her whilst she closed her eyes and held my hand
Yogic breathing
Post adoption support - we’ve had DDP from a fabulous clinical psychologist through the ASF which has been really helpful in terms of regulation
Naming the feeling / wondering aloud (lots of I wonder if… I can see you’re really worried, that must be tough etc)
Gentle theraplay games such as making a pizza on her back with my fingers, then hugging her when the ‘pizza’ goes in the ‘oven’. Or doing the weather forecast on her back. There’s something about the touch, so making the different ‘ingredients’ or ‘weather types’ with your fingers that appears to have a very soothing effect.

Sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I’d also look at what support she might need in school - the move from reception to year 1 often marks a move to more formal learning and the class routines may be tricky for her. Get them to pay attention to her transitions within the school day too, so coming in to class, transitioning between activities, play time, lunch etc. She may need a bit of quiet time at points or some active learning to burn off energy.

My DD by the end of the school day would be physically vibrating with the effort of having to sit still, listen, follow class rules etc - it was just too much for her. The school have really helped by giving her a “soft” start, playing a board game quietly while the class settles, by having a “now and next” board so she can see transitions coming and we really plan each years move to a new class and teacher. There are lots of things they can do in school which will also help her learning - because if she’s more settled in school she will learn better.

There’s some good NHS Scotland Occupational Therapy information sheets about supporting children in the classroom environment- I can’t find them just now but will have a look. They included things like where children sit in class, wall displays etc to help the environment be less stimulating which will ultimately help her not get overwhelmed.

I think you’re right to look at after school and bedtime, it’s also worth looking at what’s happening during the day and reducing her overall stress load.

I think that big life events esp new school year trigger the sense of OMG CHANGE... And feelings re Moves and of insecurity about the permanence of their 'supposed' Forever Family' are much more heightened. "I need to keep my parent(s) close to me by any means as I dont want them to leave me. Everyone else who looked after me has"

I have noticed that my DS (5) went to school very eagerly for the first few days but now (as expected) it's taking 2 hours to get him to sleep... unless I lie down next to him in silence and do t interact with his getting my attention 'antics'.

@Jellycatspyjamas I will be 'putting your strategies in my handbag' and talking to the school about them

I found the OT resources, you can filter for issue and age, including trauma - I found them very helpful in negotiating with the school for my DD.

www.nhsggc.org.uk/kids/resources/

My DS is the same age and also struggling with the transition. Last night at bedtime as he laid down he started telling a story of some really oppositional behaviour he'd displayed at school. I lied down with him and he wept in my arms as he told me about how angry he'd got and how he'd stormed out the classroom. I was surprised the teacher hadn't mentioned it at pick up so I asked this morning. The teacher said it never happened. He'd been fine all day, no problems. Clearly he'd held it together and it all spilled out at bedtime. Tonight I got him into bed earlier and thankfully there were no tears. I think once we've got through the initial starting school transition it's easy to think that's the hard one over with, but I actually think he's finding this one harder.

OP you say that she is good at articulating feelings, but it does sound as though there is something bottled up at the same time, if she becomes oppositional? When she is thrashing around, if you say she seems angry/anxious is she able to say "yes i feel angry/worried" or would she find it hard?

Another idea for helping relaxation - if you have an electric massager, would she enjoy a feet massage or a pressure point massage on hands and face?

Is she calm at first eg while you read a story and then once in bed start thrashing around - as though thoughts were catching up?

Sounds very tough for you too, I hope that you get to the bottom of it

I think what @Chocapple says “I think that big life events esp new school year trigger the sense of OMG CHANGE... And feelings re Moves and of insecurity about the permanence of their 'supposed' Forever Family' are much more heightened. "I need to keep my parent(s) close to me by any means as I dont want them to leave me. Everyone else who looked after me has" was definitely part of it for my DD. Maybe it could be the same?

Understanding that she was ‘kept in mind’ (by me, by teachers, by people who she cared about) made a huge difference. Her school were very good - after speaking with them at length and with my SW as they initially didn’t ‘get’ that this lovely quiet compliant child was a ball of rage at home - and put in place some mechanisms for trusted adults at school to check in with her during the day. This seemed to really help to make her feel that small changes didn’t necessarily mean massive upheaval which is what her life experience had taught her up to that point.

If your child is hyper vigilant all the time at school, constantly scanning the room for dangers then it makes sense for it all to come tumbling out at home where they do feel safe. The keeping in mind stuff helped to make school feel safe too.

I’m not sure I’m explaining it very clearly but hopefully that makes some sort of sense

I agree, keeping in mind appears to be so important- I have a photo of the kids, quite old now, and I remind them it's there at the start of the day "I'll be at my desk with my photo of you..." and I try and mention at the end of the day "I was telling my colleague about when you...(something nice!)" so they know they're not forgotten.

It's frustrating when you get 'but she's fine at school!' Yup. But not at home!

I don't have anything to add but just wanted to say thanks to all the people who have posted suggestions. My 3 year old is currently going through a tricky stage with bedtime. It's been going on for about half a year now and changes all the time (waking early / middle of night / adding rituals to bedtime routine/early morning). I get to a point where I think we've sorted it and then there's a new sleep time challenge to deal with. Tonight he refused to sleep in his bed and has fallen asleep in ours so I know this will now be the thing for a while!

Bedtime and sleep problems can be the worst. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique. Massive hugs to all those going through it. It's so tough but it does eventually get better, or at least different (or you just become able to cope with it, not sure which!)

Thank you all so much, you lovely people. Tonight was a much better night. I picked her up from school (without DS, which helped) and we had a slow walk up to the park chatting and then she had ages in the paddling pool. She had some time to herself when she got home and then I left her in the bath longer than I normally would.

It all went pear shaped when she had a terrible outburst at DS (3), screaming at him and tearing a book I was reading them out of my hands. I somehow managed to get it all back on track after that and she managed to relax into bedtime. I did one of @PoppyStellar’s theraplay ideas and it worked really well and was very helpful.

I’ll reply individually to people tomorrow. Bit tired now!

Her behaviour towards DS is probably a whole other thread.

Thanks again so much.

You’re doing brilliantly. Hang in there

i saw your other thread in aibu a few days ago and was amazed at how long it had rumbled on!

In case it helps, in my dc's school from around year 1 on, the focus was more on teaching literacy, maths and autonomy and less nurturing than before. I don't know whether or not that is typical of schools, but in any event, I think that there is a fine line between "not as nurturing" and "disinterested and dismissive" and I wondered whether the teacher you referred to was straying into the latter and that this was one of the things upsetting your dc. That might be an absolute red herring though - and whichever applies, you are going to be the mainstay in relation to nurturing and everything else.

I do think that sometimes in adoption a too linear approach is taken ie all problems are linked back to early life experiences whereas often it is more complicated than that - also that things feed into eachother - transitions might be harder if other things are difficult at the same time - such as a less nurturing teacher, or sibling problems or other things.

I hope that everything is going better now.