Birth mum having another baby.

[Neew789]

I have name changed for this.

We found out on Tuesday that my sons birth mum is having another baby. This has really blindsided me, we’ve had the approach from social services and I just feel lost, I just can’t rationally think about it. I don’t know how to verbalise it or really even write about it.

I mean I know it happens, but I didn’t think it would be something that happened to me, no one in my real life adoption group has been approached about a new sibling, so there isn’t really any real life experience to there for someone to guide me or even know what I’m experiencing.

We have a face to face meeting tomorrow and I’m just dreading it.

Thanks

This happened to my friend.

Birth mother was 18 and they are older parents. As it was a different father there were many hoops to go through the actual process took about a year with the child spending the first 18 months in between mother and baby unit. father's family and foster parents.

Although they share the same mother the children look very different. The eldest being very white, blonde and blue eyed and the youngest is mixed race and has quite dark colouring.

For me it is lovely that the siblings are together however given the age of the birth mother I have to question when does it stop? There could be another 20 years of her having more babies.

Sorry, stupid phone! I don’t know what happened there.

This happened to us and I completely understand that it can be shocked, even if you were told to expect it.

How can we help? Do you think you could say a bit more about what’s worrying you?

If it helps, you can go into the meeting just in listening mode. You don’t have to make any commitments in the meeting tomorrow. You’re just there to hear what they have to say, and ask any questions.

Do you think it would help to write down any questions? I basically just wanted to know how the pregnancy had gone and what was known about drugs, alcohol etc.

Unfortunately it isn't that unusual. Happened to friends who already had adopted 2 siblings. They felt terrible saying no because they were already older (the children were school age at adoption) but there's a happy ending, friends of theirs had been approved for adoption and they adopted the new baby, the siblings enjoy a great relationship albeit not in the same household

This happened to me last year. It really was the last thing I was expecting as my son is 16, the ‘baby’ was 2.

Can you try and work out what’s worrying you so much?

All you need to do at the meeting is listen and ask any initial questions. You don’t have to make any decisions tomorrow. Get the information, go home and let it sink in. Don’t be rushed

I think the first question you need to ask yourself is whether you actually want another child at this time. That may be hard to answer given it’s come out of the blue, but it’s ok to say no if it’s not right for you just now.

They’re now meeting via teams at 4, despite knowing where I live they hadn’t considered travel time, so thats a brilliant start.

I’m a natural worrier and I always automatically go to the worst scenario.

We would like a child together and I would like my son to experience having a sibling he lives with, but we haven’t been married long (not even a year), we had planned to start the process around April time when we’d been married over a year, and just be able to have a year to enjoy being married, a year of normal freedom (covid) before we started the process of becoming parents together.

I have a few questions ready, they don’t even know I’m married (single in family adoption), so theres that in itself to tell them as well.

The meeting wasn’t great information wise, it raised far far more questions than answers, the people running it didn’t seem to have a great deal of information available to them.

It felt awkward asking things directly related to the pregnancy as it just didn’t feel nice essentially asking for her right to privacy to be ignored, but there were certain things I felt I needed to ask.

We are in touch, via letters and I sometimes arrange video calls with my son, she had seemed to be doing really well and making positive changes, but I guess you only know what someone is willing to let you know.

This has just happened to us. We have adopted four children (2 sets of biological siblings). Our eldest twos birth mother is currently pregnant. We have said no. In fact I said no before discussing it with my husband for the real and simple fact that I just don’t want anymore children. This baby should go to parent/s (if that is the plan) that really want it. Not to us just because there is a sibling link. I genuinely do not feel any guilt about it.

Hi, I don’t know how things are progressing for you and I hope you are not now left in limbo! It’s a hard place to be! We were asked early on during bio moms pregnancy if we would consider having next child placed with us(18 months after our child was placed) we said yes and wholeheartedly wanted this. We had to ask for info the whole way through and in the end the child was placed with bio father (different to our child’s father) it was a long year and I regret the stress it caused us taking attention away from our child on occasion when it all came to nothing. Would not consider it again if it arises again felt too drained to live through the uncertainty again . We have recently been asked to consider contact with the sibling and as strange as it feels for us we have agreed we will but not until they are both old enough to understand it.

We’ve since had two more meetings with SS, and thankfullh those were much more informative than the first. So lots of questions and queries now answered, but as expected it causes us to then have more questions. We have now been allocated a SW who so far seems quite good.

Hi, I was just wondering if you @Neew789 had any updates or advice on this situation? We’ve just been told the same about birth mum and I feel a bit lost and confused!

Late last year we were contacted about this same thing and asked if we wanted to adopt the baby. It was a very difficult decision as we already had two adopted children, and also because the health and development prospect of the baby was uncertain due to substance abuse. We ended up saying yes, but we waited for at least 6 months to see how the baby developed. It was the best decision we have ever made and our new adopted child is amazing and doing really well. Despite having the most challenging circumstances of the three, he is the most developed of them three for his age. Good luck with your decision!

I for some reason couldn’t go for the same name change, so an extra e for us.

Baby is now here, she was born earlier than expected, she is needing minimal help and will likely be discharged from hospital before her due date. As far as we know birth mum is doing well physically, we do know she isn’t currently going to any of her contact visits.

We have our first visit pencilled in, depending on when she leaves hospital depends on whether she goes to a foster carer until she is six weeks old or under, over and potentially she comes straight home with us.

Hi OP and JohnPA
Thanks for your insights so far. Can I just ask the age differences between your adopted LOs and the new baby? We're in a similar situation at the minute. Thanks

In my case he is now 1 and a half and has a 3 and 5-year age gap with my other two. I must confess though that I find this age (between 0 to 2 years) really intense and demanding. It can be a lot sometimes, so you definitely need to be very patient and resilient. :)

@Remy7

Hi OP and JohnPA Thanks for your insights so far. Can I just ask the age differences between your adopted LOs and the new baby? We're in a similar situation at the minute. Thanks

My little one, well not so little now is 6, so quite a big gap.

No advice OP but good luck.

We met our daughter last week, in fact we met our daughter twice last week, shes lovely, despite still being very small she is doing very well, she is now feeding much better, so she is hopefully going to be 100% independently feeding in the next few days.

She was discharged yesterday, so not only will my son meet his little sister today, it will be the first time me and my husband see her at the same time, as covid rules meant only one adult could accompany the foster carer at a time.

It has been an insanely busy week, we haven’t spept because of excitement, nerves, fear, so we’re knackered, but I guess we need to get used to that, its been odd doing all the normal things as well. I guess it feels like we’re living in two different worlds and it will do until she comes home.

Congrats @Simonjt
Exciting times! Wishing you all much happiness

Congratulations to all the families who had welcomed their little ones home. Such lovely updates.

She came home on Saturday, shes lovely, shes also extremely nocturnal. Her big brother is coping wonderfully so far, so lets see how he does going to school knowing she is at home 🤞🏽

congratulations @Simonjt have fun !