Adopting preschool/school-aged children

[therealhoppityvoosh]

I'm interested in finding out more about adoption over the coming years. I have two biological children who are both young so this isn't something I am actively pursuing at the moment. I understand there's lots I would need to learn about trauma, pre-birth experiences in utero and therapeutic parenting. With all of that in mind, and acknowledging I'm at the very beginning of exploring this (please forgive my ignorance - I'm here to learn more), I wondered if I could ask for experiences of adopting school-aged children. Is this possible? What if you already have children who would be old enough to understand what's going on and that their family was growing through adoption, not another pregnancy?

After my second child was born I expected to feel "done". I don't but I also have no wish to experience another pregnancy. My first child was born prematurely and while my second was full term, I found that pregnancy very stressful. I feel lucky to have had a "normal" pregnancy and worry about tempting fate by conceiving a third child.

I also have little desire to repeat the baby years again, although I wouldn't mind it, and my career is important to me. I want to work although I'm able and willing to work part time. However, if we were to adopt then I would need to adopt a child who could cope with at least part time childcare (following adoption leave). This has made me think it would be best to learn about adopting a slightly older child whose needs are better known - perhaps aged 3 to 5. However, I think a younger child would perhaps be easier for our existing children to "accept". I am concerned about adopting a child whose needs are much greater than we anticipated, meaning the end of my career (which is important to me for wellbeing, social, intellectual, etc reasons - and of course financial).

My eldest child is only 5 years old and I appreciate that this preference would delay us considering adoption for quite a few years. I'm fine with that as my two children are both very young and I need time to learn about the realities of trauma, etc. They are my focus now but I'm wanting to explore ways of growing my family in the future. We need to be realistic about the kind of child's needs we could meet while meeting the needs of our existing children. I'm happy to be told that I shouldn't really be considering this if that's what you think once you've read this. As I said at the beginning, this is a very, very, very early stage interest and I'm wanting to gauge whether my kind of family is the right type of one to support an adopted child's needs or not.

Thanks for reading!

We adopted a sibling pair aged 4 and 6, o while I can’t comment on how birth children might cope I do know the school age stuff.

In my case we had a lot of information about predicted outcomes, we deferred school entry for my youngest (in Scotland so not at all unusual) and gave him a year in the nursery class attached to his primary school.

Both children coped well with school and nursery, the school had an excellent understanding of early trauma and have worked hard to support both children. My daughter has complex additional support needs and I work part time mainly because I need to coordinate health appointments which just wouldn’t be possible if I was full time. Both children cope will with after care, initially with a childminder and latterly with a good quality after school club who are fantastic with them.

We went for an older age range because of our ages and because I wanted the structure of school and nursery etc. It’s worked very well, I have a good balance of work and children - flexibility at work has been essential to finding that balance.

My son was nearly 8 when he came home. We have had our share of challenges, difficult times and needed professional theraputic input, but 10 years in and at 17, he has a bit of a gem.
I was never that fussed about having a baby, I just wanted to be a mum. Usually if you say you are looking for an older child you will be in demand with the social workers.
I think working if you can is great, for very many reasons, I did three days a week for 8 years. Now we are in a good place I do four days, it gives me that extra bit of time. I am however 56 and slipping slowly towards retirement and have no desire for career development.
You are right, the older the child, the more likely it is that needs are known. But needs do change over time and by far the most difficult time we have had were the early teen years.
Personally I think you are asking all the right questions, you know what you need to learn, and that you need to pick your moment. Lots of people with birth children have successful adoptions. There is no reason you can’t be one of them.
Good luck !