Are you able to ask to have a child a similar colouring to your BC ?

[smileandsmilesooooooo]

I am very keen to adopt a child, I have two BC, a boy and a girl. But both my children look very similar, very pale and fair, so would I be able to say I was looking for a blonde or ginger child to be more in keeping with my other children or is looks totally unacceptable ? I don't want to start the process and say the wrong thing. Is this a terrible thing to consider " looks"

At the moment we are in the process of moving to a bigger house to have 4 bedrooms.

As you go through your assessment and training you will learn that finding a child is a complex process,the primary focus being can you meet the needs of the child.
Hair colour will have little bearing on that. Social workers aren't going to filter out children based on the colour of your existing children's hair. It's up to you whether you reject potential matches because they don't have blond hair.

There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to matching, it's not wrong to want a child that 'fits in'. However, personally I would not say anything about hair colour preferences. You should be focusing on demonstrating that you understand the challenges adopted children experience and that you are able to meet their needs.

I would advise that you do not ask in case it’s taken wrongly by your adoption team.

We went a long way down the matching process before we even saw a photo, so had no idea about what our potential child looked like.

However after our adoption our social worker and other adoption professionals did comment about how well our child blended visually with our family, they commented that she looked like she “belonged “ due to her similar colouring.. so I think that they saw it as a bonus.

I agree, it's probably not something you'd want to express in those words and it's certainly not how you should begin discussions because, rightly or wrongly, the question sounds rather like you're hoping to pick from a catalogue based on looks. There is nothing wrong with wanting a child that 'fits' your family, but there is so much more than hair and skin colour to consider.

Matching is always done from the child's perspective. It's about finding the right family for each child rather than the right child for each family. Many children placed for adoption will have some kind of additional need and you'll be asked to consider what needs you feel you could and couldn't meet. This is done early on and in a fairly hypothetical way. Once you get to matching, it will come down to the child's social worker to decide if you are the right family for a child for the match to progress. They will be considering how the child fits with your family, and looks may play a part in this but it's by no means the only consideration. You don't have to say yes to the profiles you are shown, but you wouldn't be prioritised for fair children over those who were not concerned about colouring. So while it's fine to have a preference, I'd advise keeping it as a preference rather than a non-negotiable.

Some questions to consider: What would you do if none of the children whose profiles you see were as fair as your birth children? Would you really turn down a child's profile if you could meet their needs but they were darker than you wanted? And how would you feel if you adopted a young child with light hair that darkened as they got older? I'd also advise finding out more about some of the challenges faced by adopted families before you start getting into the details of hair colour.

For what it’s worth - Dh is one of three brothers. All the same biological parents. The other two - dark hair, skin that tans really easily, brown eyes. DH’s parents - dark hair, skin that tans easily, brown eyes. Dh - fair hair, “factor 50” skin, blue eyes. Either they had a very blond milkman or genetics is a complicated thing!

I do agree though that ideally the decision for a child to tell people that they are adopted should belong to the child and so having children that racially could be genetically related to their adopted parents is a good idea. But trying to get blonde kids is over stating it. Genetics just doesn’t work that way.

Social workers will usually try and broadly match colouring- they often think this is matching ethnicity, but obviously not all people of one hue are the same ethnicity, that's barmy.

My BC wanted an ethnic match. We ended up not getting an ethnic match, but within the same broad colouring, so we "pass" as a genetic family when needing privacy. When people from our ethnicity notice the difference, I say "genetics are weird, huh?!" But most people don't notice, especially those outside our ethnic group.

So the answer is broadly yes, you can match based on colouring, and that actually social workers are more prone to that than matching on ethnicity, the latter actually being more important if possible. But as others say, there are many factors to a match, and the whys are much more important than the whats for finding a match. The child having privacy can be important, and colouring "matching" can help. People can get very tetchy if it appears you're looking at matches based on looks, especially if you're wanting the "blonde blue eyed baby", yet a darker toned family wanting a darker toned child is often considered ok. It's complex.

Adoption is about finding families for children, not about providing you with a matching set.

After we adopted we were told they do 'try' to match based on looks, but it wasn't something we'd even thought about.
So many people comment on how much my son looks like his Dad, and they weirdly have the same green/brown eyes which we only noticed after! A delivery guy once said 'He's definitely your son!' to my husband, giving him a wink! We just smiled.

I think in the ways that really matter, they do become like you.

I am white, my son is black, we couldn't look less like each other if we tried, but he is so like me in other ways. He has similar mannerisms, turns of phrase etc.

I'm sure that when you see pictures of potential matches, physical appearance does come into play, even if subconsciously.

When I saw my son's photo I was hooked - it was his smile that did it

But I really can't see that eye/hair colour is the first thing that SWs look for in a match, its a happy co-incidence - unless ethnicity is a factor

I wouldn't overthink it too much. You will have the ultimate say over your match so you don't necessarily need to hammer the point. I think that although they might not admit it sw's will go by resemblence as well to a degree. Our dd looks remarkably like us, we're told it ATT, and we also resemble her BPs tbh. Also my friend has 2 adopted children and they're right little blondies as is she and her husband. I'm sure they do take it into account tbh. I would just embrace any suggested matches and when it's right you will know x

Adoption agencies expect people to have questions like this at the start of their adoption journey. You might suprise yourself later by being drawn to a child with dark hair.

They do try to make sure your child blends in with your family and doesn't look the odd one out. You don't need to mention it.

I think your post raises the question of why you feel like you want them to ‘fit in’ physically, and related questions about why you’re adopting and what your expectations are.

There could be lots of ways in which your an adopted child might not fit in, or be very different from your birth children. And you might not know about most of these when you’re matching, especially with a young child. So how will you feel about those differences?