Hi All - starting to struggle a little bit in Stage 2. For a bit of background I went through the original enquiry, ROI and all of Stage 1 with a wonderful social worker.
I was very upfront on my personal situation, which isn't quite the 'norm' (but who is anyone to decide what is 'normal' in todays age of diversity and equality).
My Stage 1 SW saw nothing but positives in everything I told her, and we formed a really pleasant, trusting relationship.
Unfortunately at the end of Stage 1 my SW told me that she was working her notice period before leaving the organisation. I was obviously disappointed and a bit unnerved, but I was reassured that all the other social workers within the organisation are really nice and I won't have any issue with any of them (as she stated, she trained them all!).
Fast forward a couple of weeks and I get a phone call from my Stage 2 SW, who does not work direct for my adoption organisation, but is freelance. We have absolutely zero in common, and he comes across as very negative, openly admitting that he focuses on the negatives and vulnerabilities.
Unfortunately, he has honed in quite ruthlessly on one of my referees, and my close relationship with their child, who we will call ZY.
A relationship that my first SW saw as a big positive influence in any future adopted child's life is now being portrayed as nothing but a negative, and a future of hurt and rejection from me towards ZY. How I categorically will not be able to have any relationship with ZY should any adopted child get jealous etc etc negative negative negative, its exhausting.
My new social worker has now interviewed my sibling, who also has a child. Instead of asking about my relationship with my niece / nephew, he again honed in on ZY, and told them how I would have to make the decision to drop contact with ZY if it doesn't suit the need of my adopted child.
My sibling said they found the two hour interview exhausting, depressive and overly negative. They said that all the joy they felt in me going through this process was completely drained out of them.
I am now very concerned that ZY's parent is to be interviewed next, and I am worried of the negative connotations my SW will lay onto ZY's parent, and lay it on hard that ZY will end up getting hurt because I will inevitably have to cut contact with them. I have categorically said this will never happen. Whilst there will be a big change, and transition, I would obviously never cut off an innocent child who means the world to me.
ZY is not dependent on me at all, however does have a very close connection and bond with me, as I do with them.
My SW appears to be of the opinion that if any future adopted child develops jealousy on my relationship with anyone, (ZY, niece, nephew etc), then they are to be dropped for the betterment of the adopted child.
I'm sorry but to me that is not the way to parent. I fully admit I am no expert, but surely it is better to manage integration, and safely push your adopted child forward into widening their worls, and developing relationships with those most trusted within my support network, irrelevant of age.
At some point, the adopted child will be exposed to other kids, if they aren't encouraged to form relations with those even in our support network, then how can you expect them to develop and grow worthwhile relations with kids their own age in school etc.
I am really at loggerheads on how to go forward. ZY appears to be the catalyst, and the devil reincarnated in the eyes of my SW when thinking about a future adopted child.
In todays world of blended families of all different connotations, including those adopting families with birth children, I fail to see how there can't be a reasonable balance and understanding. ZY's parent was my first referee because of the extensive childcare I have given ZY, all of which I thought would be nothing but a positive.
I have spoken to other SW's, and other adopters that were in my prep group. The overiding verdict is that I am being dragged through the mud. No one else has been asked to be observed interacting with a child. Every single session I get told that I will need to be observed.
Sorry for the war and peace. So much more I want to say. This process certainly isn't for the weak minded is it..!!!