Separated with children - can/should one adopt?

[Jamdown123]

I'm likely asking this prematurely, but it's been on my mind, much like every other time I've wanted another baby, though I am very very sure I don't want another pregnancy.

I'm 40, in a professional job that is good to go part time, own my own home, have three children I gave birth to aged 1, 4, 6. I come from a family of foster carers / informal adopters, I've always wanted to adopt. Never really thought about completing my family without it. I have always wanted to adopt, and now that I have three children because we are full of love, a great family together, my children are kind and caring and the way the two eldest effortlessly love the youngest, I am sure another sibling would be great all round.

I don't think I would be saving another child, or that it's an act of charity, it is that we have a home I want to share and I do not want to be pregnant again and even if I didn't feel that way about pregnancy, I want to open my heart, home and family to a child that is already here and for that child to be my child like the children I already have. I work in mental health with children, so I'm not scared off by the thought of trauma, but I understand it will be a hard thing - but then so is all parenting.

The issue is that I am currently in talks with my partner about separating. I am sad because I think it would be almost impossible to adopt now, not because anyone of the above would alter, but because the child would not be my partner's and I don't want that difference and all that it means for any of the children, especially the adopted child.

Is it completely out of the question to adopt a child who will not have the same father as my other children? Let's leave the other pragmatics aside - this is the question I really struggle with.

Plenty of people with birth children adopt, thats not really an issue.

Social workers will expect you to be divorced though and to have had a good amount of time for all of you to recover and be settled in your new life.
I think of more concern would be how you would manage with 4 children, practically, financially and emotionally, will you have a big enough house, can you afford adoption leave etc etc. Do please also remember that an adopted child will not be like your existing children, they can be very complex and challenging, for your children it won’t be like mum’s next baby, they may not thank you for it.

As @Ted27 said, having birth children and being separated aren’t in themselves an issue but you’d really need to let the dust settle after your divorce (and agencies would want you to be divorced). You’d also need to see the impact of the separation on your existing children. In terms of them having different parents that will really depend on how you negotiate contact and coparenting with your soon to be ex, sw will want to see a steady, established pattern rather than something ad hoc or unreliable.

You really need to consider though whether parenting 4 children as a single parent is the right thing for you. The early days of adoption can be very very difficult, the adopted child will need a lot of your care and attention, will need you to consider their needs in your parenting which may well mean really adjusting your parenting style and may not bond with your three children quickly or at all.

While trauma is an issue, which you understand, parenting a traumatised child can be challenging - much more so than having an awareness of trauma professionally for example. The young the child the more uncertainty there is about their future, and older children tend to come with more complex needs albeit these are maybe more known.

It’s a very different beast to adding to your family through pregnancy, so worth considering carefully.

Yes, I will be single, but I have a lot of local help, so I wouldn't be alone.

It would be a massive undertaking, I have a lot of exposure to adoption, so I' not naive about that. I'm not scared at all. I expect it to be incredibly hard. I absolutely believe in adoption though.

It will be one of the death bed regrets if I don't do it. It's a shame that the way life has gone for me it just might not work out and I'll have think about other ways of bringing children into my family and sharing all that we have.

I come from a family that originates elsewhere. My gran even told me the other day that Levi Roots shared a bed with them for a good many years as kids. I had no idea! They were forever taking in children from everywhere, and we have somewhat continued that in the UK.

I might look to fostering, but I really want to expand my family permanently. I have lots of foster carers in my family too, and I'm not sure my heart can take it - the loving and the losing.

We'll see. Thanks