Introductions tips…

[specialcase]

Currently in the middle of introductions that seem like are lasting a life time!

We have already adopted once and it’s a biological sibling. She’s currently 13 months old.

Just looking for any tips with a child who clings to foster carer for dear life pretty much at all times. If foster carer is not in the room she crawls to get to foster carer. If you’re holding her and she sees the foster carer she cries until she’s in the foster carers arms. She is happy when in the park and we take her off for a bit but she clearly wants to crawl around but can’t at the park due to never being dressed appropriately. Foster carer is very good - but it’s an awkward conversation and I would do things differently - this is not to say I don’t respect foster carer because she has been truly amazing - especially with our older child.

Are there any sure fire baby games which work?? Bubbles make her cry….!!!

It just feels very difficult at the moment and could use some ideas!!! Currently feel like we just need her to be with us and really struggling to see the point of going to see a baby that will only acknowledge us when foster carer is completely out of sight!!

Also feel like we are very good with babies this age so it feels v frustrating to have one who is meant to be your child give you the bare minimum of smiles and giggles…

Help!

My son was similar during introductions, although older (21m). I’m assuming that she’s probably spent more time in FC with her birth family and that she has an attachment (secure or otherwise) to her FC (which is good, obviously, as she’ll be able to build more).

I did a very long transition period (3 weeks, I thought I’d die of exhaustion tbh) and did lots and lots of playing. I started with peekaboo and playing with toys by myself and waited for him to come and join in. Painting was good, and messy play (we trashed the FC’s flowerbeds haha). Anything sensory or that can build eye contact in a game worked for us. And still works for us on bad days (can’t remember the last bad day).

My son has been home for 16 months and is very definitely attached. We saw his FCs last week and while he’s very fond of them, I’m definitely mummy and there’s no grief any more at them not being his carers. He’s a happy little bean.

Don’t forget this child doesn’t know she’s supposed to be your child, she’s reaching and crying for her parent, which is wholly natural. The point of seeing her with the foster carers is that she gets familiar with you in the context of the security of her foster carer. It’s going to be difficult, she will want the people who are known and safe for her - the more patient you can be with that the better it’ll be when she moves to you at the end of intros.

I’d just focus on being present, let her come to you - play with toys on the floor in her eye sight, find sensory toys, things that make noise, roll a ball to her etc but let her find her pace as much as possible.

How long are intros and how long do you have to go?

Thanks for your comments - much appreciated. We are already doing the suggestions luckily! We are two weeks down and two weeks to go - which to us feels like too long - it’s so unsettling both for her and for our child. We are lucky as we are both teachers and have managed to time it for the summer holidays, but I think we feel it’s far too long. Our intros with our first child were just 7 days…. So this just feels like over kill…!

I also think we aren’t taking into account that she is actually fairly happy with us, and we do get some smiles. It’s just hard as she won’t play next to us if the foster carer is there. The foster carer gets a bit fed up also of it as sometimes it’s hard for her to just get on and do whatever it is she needs to do.

I think aswell intros are just insanely hard and I forget that it did feel like this with our first child also. Unfortunately I lost a stone in a week for our first child through not eating. This time I think I’ve gained 2 stone through overeating!!!!

Four weeks is long but I am also pleased to hear it. I think intros are generally too rushed. Is the plan largely based on the university of east anglia research/model, which talks about three stages - stage one the child becoming familiar with you without you taking on any care giving. Rather like a child seeing you as a family friend - bump into’s at the park, visits to the house to play alongside carers etc but primarily you just observing and not taking on care. Stage 2 would be more traditional intros - you are beginning to take on the care giving and stage 3 is the move itself and continuing contact with foster carers. This would be built up over weeks rather than days.

I think it makes a lot more sense to the child. We are foster carers and adopters. We have rehabilitated children home to birth family and the transition wa a built up over 6 weeks and the child was a much happier child at the end of it than a child who moved onto relative strangers via adoption over the course of 7-10 days. The child by the time the parents was taking on full care they were very comfortable with them and transitioned very naturally.

Hang in there, I think you will find in the long run your child is more settled when they finally move as a result of this slow transition.

Four weeks is a long intros and very tiring for you but it may be better in the long run especially for younger children though I can see how confusing it will be for your other child. Hang on in there, I think intros are very difficult for everyone involved - do have a chat to the foster carers though if they aren’t dressing her for the activities you’ve got planned.

We can see that it is beneficial I suppose - I think yesterday was a bad day. She was much better today with us and we do notice that every day it gets better and better. Today we were very depressed going in but then left feeling much better. I think at first the FC was dressing her up for us but today the leggings and t shirt we’re on which is much better for a child learning to move!!!

It is something to do with a Beth something model - which had the three stages you mentioned @Thepinklady77 so think it is what you’re talking about!

We are just exceptionally exhausted!!!!!

Thanks for your comments!