Single Adopter, does this mean I'll have to stay single forever?

[my0123]

I've been approved to stage 2.
I'm in my 40s and single - I've lived with guys but never been married or had a relationship go past 7 years.
I'm hoping I'll pass stage 2 and be approved and matched with a child.

The SW is happy I am single (less paperwork apparently!) and obviously I'm not currently dating - but I do have a sex life as I have a FWB.

I'm assuming the FWB arrangement will end when I adopt. I completely understand why an unknown/non-family male being around would not be a good idea and I've made peace with that.

I am interested/curious if any single adopters on here did ever meet a partner after adopting and how that was handled. Or course every family/child/situation is different, but reading in these boards about the shit show that blended families can be, I'm assuming with an adopted child this has even more potential to be massively damaging.

I would also feel really lonely that I won't be able to have a child and a relationship until that child moves out, by which age I could be 70!

I don't think anyone will be able to stop you having a relationship once the adoption has gone through.

9 years on I still neither have the time, energy, and to be honest, the inclination to look for a partner.

I know a lot of single adopters, only a couple have dipped their toes back into the dating pond, but no one who has has a long term relationship.

My son is 17 now, I have a life outside of him, good friends and a busy social life. Who knows what will happen in the future but I don’t feel the need to look for a man.
As you say, everyone is different, for me personally I think I’ve been on my own too long to comtemplate living with someone again. I just can’t imagine any one else in my home, we’d have to move to a new house, but I love my house and don’t want to move !

8 years into adoption here, had been single for some years before adopting. I cannot imagine having the emotional, mental or physical energy to sustain a relationship. I can just about manage a rather needy cat, because DC loves her so it's good therapy. I'm very happy as I am, DC is a superstar, and I wouldn't change anything (except of course to remove the impact of DC's trauma, so life was easier for them).

I think I know four other single adopters in real life, all either adopted at the same time as me or longer ago, all very much still single. For me it's partly the exhaustion, partly that I know DC would not cope with sharing me, and partly that I know DC is so deeply affected by loss that I couldn't risk getting them invested in a person who might not stay around.

Single adopter here (son, 3)! I know of one other single adopter who had a relationship (near the start of placement, it’s now ended) but nobody else. People keep asking me about my love life as if I have lots of time to socialise. The truth is my son is very dependent on me and is by my side 24/7 if he’s not at nursery. I dip my toe into dating apps but I think there’s an expectation that I can leave him with babysitters to party the night away. He would freak out if he woke up and I wasn’t here and I’m in bed by 9 most nights anyway. Im hopefully planning to start dating when my son is at school (if he can cope with it) and it will be daytime dates / afternoon delights around my work. I wouldn’t dream of introducing my son to a man unless I believed it was for forever and I’m quite cynical about that stuff!

If you have a FWB keep them on speed dial for the future. I wish I had one!

PS sometimes I feel lonely but tbh I’m so busy and exhausted it’s nothing more than a passing thought.

Thanks for the replies.

I'm definitely hoping to keep the FWB - as a single adopter I assume I'll be matched with a nursery aged/school aged child and therefore might have pockets in the day (I WFH) where I can meet them.

I'm sad that it's seems that adoption will put an end to any chance of a love life - of course I can understand why and that's why I asked on here - but I would have loved to have the chance to both be a mother and a wife/partner in this life.

I’m not sure being a single adopter is any different to being a single mum with birth children in this regard.

As I said my son is 17, I have a life outside of him now and have done for several years. If I really wanted to I could pursue a relationship but I’m happy as I am.

Just as an aside,the school day is actually quite short. I’m also working from home now, not sure it would be that easy to find a ‘pocket’ and actually do my job, and school runs, depends on your job I suppose

But you do seem to be talking about different things - finding time to have sex, and finding time to date and have a relationship.

I'm definitely hoping to keep the FWB - as a single adopter I assume I'll be matched with a nursery aged/school aged child and therefore might have pockets in the day (I WFH) where I can meet them. please do not adopt you are not mature enough or able to prioritise a child’s needs.

@MyDcAreMarvel

I don’t think there is anything wrong in wanting to maintain adult relationships. We all have needs, and self care is important for adopters, particularly single ones.

If she wants to keep her FWB, then thats up to her, if she can make it work. I don’t work on Fridays, I find ‘pockets’ to have breakfast with friends and go to the gym.
It doesn’t stop me prioritising the needs of my son

@MyDcAreMarvel I think she's fine!

OP, keep the FWB thing if you can (and if you and they want to, of course). No one would object to you meeting a friend for coffee, so I don't see why this should be any different.

@MyDcAreMarvel

Adoption doesn't mean people aren't allowed a love life! Of course she can have relationships and it doesn't mean she's not prioritising the child! Adoption is often hard therefore taking a hour for yourself here and there when dc are at school might make you a better adopter! Longer term it's no different to any other single parent, you can introduce a partner carefully, how far in the future will depend on the child's needs and attachment etc. no set amount of time but years rather than months, your social worker will be able to give specific advice once you are matched.

That’s ridiculous @MyDcAreMarvel, where has she shown any level of immaturity? She’s not talking about bringing a string of unknown men/women into her life, or hooking up while her child sleeps upstairs. She has an established FWB relationship, someone she doesn’t appear to be introducing into her child’s life. We don’t stop being people when we become parents, there’s no requirement to stop having sexual or a relationship just the need to prioritise the needs of your child in the same way any parent should. Which the OP is doing.

@MyDcAreMarvel

I'm definitely hoping to keep the FWB - as a single adopter I assume I'll be matched with a nursery aged/school aged child and therefore might have pockets in the day (I WFH) where I can meet them. please do not adopt you are not mature enough or able to prioritise a child’s needs.

What?? This is absurd.

OP no you don't have to stay single but you must be extremely cautious about introducing partners to your child, wait a long time, go at their pace and consider not living together.

Yes, just to be clear I realise sneaking in partners while the child is in the house asleep, or introducing them, moving anyone in is a big no no.
I'm not immature or naive about the sacrifices that will need to be made, I'm just asking a question.

I imagine dating would be virtually impossible as leaving an adoptive child with a baby sitter once or twice a week probably couldn't work either (I don't have local family).

I'm already working out how I can quit the gym as I won't be able to physically go there and who is going to walk my dogs as chances are I won't be able to take them on proper walks.

I'm lucky in that I only need to work part time and so I would have time in the short school day to meet friends for coffee and meet a FWB.

But I do feel sad I will likely have to give up my chance of a romantic loving relationship as I've never had the real deal and I hate the idea of being on my own in retirement/old age.

I loved being carefree and single in my 20-30s, but it's becoming more and more isolating the older I get.

I suppose it's about priorities, isn't it

What's more important to you
Walking the dogs, Gym, meeting friends or your FWB
Life doesn't stop when you adopt. I didnt go out without my son for the first year, but then he started going to cub and scout camp, staying over at grandparents once or twice a year, one of the older scouts started babysitting for me.
So I had opportunities to go out, but maybe only every 6 to 8 weeks or so. On my non working days I went to the gym.
The problem really is finding people to fit in with your time restrictions

I’m a single adopter. @Ted27 is spot on, in my opinion, when she says “ The problem really is finding people to fit in with your time restrictions” this is probably the biggest ‘block’ to dating / romantic relationships that I have found as a single parent.

I’m nearly 10 years in to being a single adoptive parent. I did a very brief stint of OLD when DD was about 6 but didn’t meet anyone I felt strongly enough about to do anything more than a couple of daytime dates.

I met someone last year through work, we’d been friends for a while and it progressed to dating but we’re back to just being friends as the reality of trying to juggle a relationship just didn’t work for us. He doesn’t have any children and is by his own admission a workaholic (he’s a teacher and the work expands to fit whatever time you allow it to - in his case most of his free time!) and the dynamic just wasn’t compatible. I was sad about that but ironically although it didn’t work out it has given me hope that with a different person it might be possible.

I think it’s really hard to meet someone as a single parent, and probably harder as an adoptive single parent. Even though my DD is older now she still needs me an awful lot more than a non adopted child, and that’s fine. She comes first. It won’t always be this way.

I don’t believe I’ll be single forever but at the time of adopting I made peace with the fact that if it came down to a theoretical choice between having a partner or having a child I wanted to be a parent more than I wanted to not be single if that makes sense.

I think if you can hang on to your FWB that’s probably a really good thing. Like Ted I don’t think I have the energy or inclination to want to live with a partner again. I love my life, my home, my friends, my social circle. I do miss sex but when DD has flown the nest I have every intention of growing old disgracefully so hopefully will get back to a sex life then!

I imagine dating would be virtually impossible as leaving an adoptive child with a baby sitter once or twice a week probably couldn't work either (I don't have local family).

This really depends on the child, I couldn’t have left my two with a babysitter for the first couple of years but 4 years in I have an excellent babysitter who they have a lovely relationship with, to where they ask me to take dad on a date so they can see her 😁

My sister also looks after them from time to time and they are fine. Different kids need different things, some cope with regular childcare better than others - in my experience the trick is finding a good, consistent person to help out.

No it doesn’t mean that, but it is difficult and does depend on your child/ren and your support network. I didn’t date for the first 2 years, but for a bit of that I did have a bit of a fwb arrangement with my ex.

I don’t have a great number of people locally who can babysit, so when I started dating it was hard, especially as I wasn’t keen on online dating. My cousin used to have my son once a month overnight so I took advantage of that, when I started dating my now husband we had quite a few lunch dates as our work places were very close to his flat. My fwb also did a bit of babysitting and still does, so eventually I was able to have a free evening once a fortnight.

The hardest bit is the person you are dating has to be very patient and understanding, so we had a few dates where I had to leave early as my son was unsettled etc, or some I had to cancel at the last minute.

Now my son happily has overnights with Grandma (she isn’t local) and the ex fwb, hes going to Grandmas tomorrow and not coming back until Saturday morning. This will be the most childfree time I’ve had since becoming a parent and the most childfree time I’ve ever had with my husband. I cannot wait.

Agree with pps - it’s not necessarily the fact I’ve adopted which has prevented relationships - it is the lack of free time due to being a single parent

I adopted couple of years ago, since had few dates with one guy but just really hammered gone how much I’d changed and that I didn’t really want to be going out on dates / leaving them with babysitters on a regular basis to date

I’m quite happy, it was more important to me to be a parent than be in a relationship and I just think if somethings meant to happen it will

I do prioritise exercise and dog walking for any free time though

@Mrsdoubtfireswig

Agree with pps - it’s not necessarily the fact I’ve adopted which has prevented relationships - it is the lack of free time due to being a single parent

I adopted couple of years ago, since had few dates with one guy but just really hammered gone how much I’d changed and that I didn’t really want to be going out on dates / leaving them with babysitters on a regular basis to date

I’m quite happy, it was more important to me to be a parent than be in a relationship and I just think if somethings meant to happen it will

I do prioritise exercise and dog walking for any free time though

To be honest you sound like where I hope to be in a few years time if I am matched and go on to adopt.

Single parents of non adopted dc have the same problems and dilemmas, if it makes a difference, especially SN dc. I agree with other posters that if you have a FWB which works which you can fit in while dc is at school, then there would be no reason to change that. However, I only really posted because of this I'm already working out how I can quit the gym as I won't be able to physically go there and who is going to walk my dogs as chances are I won't be able to take them on proper walks - as I often say here, actually long walks are really, really, really good for dc with trauma - really good for regulation, feel good hormones - even as a baby in a baby carrier against your chest they are good as it is comforting for a baby to be so close to you - so these can continue if this is of any consolation!

You can meet someone you want to have a relationship at any time. I think what is tricky as a full time parent is actively seeking someone, like via OLD, because like others have said - time, energy, focus, risks. It is less realistic as a full time parent.

I am an adoptee and parent by the way, not an adopter. I am very enthusiastic about promoting long walks, hence posting in response to that!

Good luck with matching

I know a single adopter who adopted a nursery age child. Some 5 years later she met someone. Her daughter is now a young adult; her mum married her partner and he subsequently adopted their daughter. They are a very happy family.

@my0123 I wish you the very best of luck. Get plenty of sleep in now, and enjoy as many lie ins and afternoon naps as you can, as they are sadly a thing of the past for me

Seriously though - it’s the best thing ever, relentlessly hard and tough at times but I feel blessed to have my boys and could not imagine a different life now